Light Years Away
by EmmaSwan-Charming2
Summary: A Leyton story. What if Lucas had married Lindsey? Does one choice decide your path for life? Regret, pain, guilt and bitterness...can Lucas and Peyton find their way back to each other? Read and review.
1. Ashes and Wine

**Chapter One**

_Ashes and Wine_

_Don't know what to do anymore  
I've lost the only love worth fighting for  
I'll drown in my tear storming sea  
That would show you, that would make you hurt like me  
All the same  
I don't want mudslinging games  
It's such a shame  
To let you walk away  
Is there a chance?  
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?  
A reason to fight?  
Is there a chance you may change your mind?  
Or are we ashes and wine?_

_Ashes and Wine, A Fine Frenzy_

"I do."

She used to imagine him say those words. She had the image down, from the sound of his voice to the look in his eyes, and now Lucas Scott was playing out this particularly fantasy for everyone to see.

Unfortunately, he was looking at the wrong girl. And Peyton Sawyer had gravely underestimated the hurt those two little words would bring.

She wasn't sure what she had expected. She had made the decision to attend the wedding, fully aware of what she would have to witness, and in spite of what Skills thought, she had never once imagined doing something stupid to stop him, thus turning the entire scene into something from a lame movie; but the sting of hearing Lucas say "I do" to another woman seemed to drain some tiny ounce of hope she hadn't even realized she was hanging onto.

Something broke inside Peyton at that moment, and suddenly she was unaware of Brooke's hand reassuringly rubbing her shoulder, unaware of the minister reading Lindsey the same vows, unaware of the tears clinging to her eyelashes and threatening to fall; she was only aware that if she actually had to sit and watch the minister pronounce Lindsey and Lucas husband, she would break down completely.

Without giving it another thought, Peyton rose to her feet and hurried up the aisle, out of the church, just as the tears began to fall.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

From his place at the front of the church, Lucas heard the slight murmur that moved through the church in the middle of Lindsey's vows. He pulled his eyes from his bride's and glanced toward the pews, just in time to see Peyton's retreating form, moving as fast as she could down the aisle without actually running.

His throat tightened painfully and he felt a familiar stab of pain in his chest. He hated hurting Peyton, even though he had managed to do so a lot lately.

He couldn't manage to tear his eyes away from Peyton as recent memories flooded back to him.

_Because I should have said yes._

_No, don't marry her, Luke!_

_Look me in the eye and tell me that kiss did not feel exactly the same as it felt three years ago._

_I love you, Lucas. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes. _

_If what you want is for me to let go, I'm gonna do it._

_Be happy, Luke. I want that with all my heart._

The doors burst open and Peyton left the church, and panic began to choke Lucas. In that moment, he wanted to take it back, say he changed his mind, call a do over.

"I do." There was something forced in Lindsey's voice; she had to have noticed him looking away from her. Still, she said it, and suddenly Nathan was passing him a ring.

Lucas' hands were shaking as he put the ring onto Lindsey's finger, right next to the engagement ring (_Peyton's_ engagement ring) already there, and he had to fight a wave of nausea.

As Lindsey slid a ring on his own finger, Lucas caught Haley's eye. There was something unreadable in her expression.

_You can't marry Lindsey._

He plastered a smile on his face.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

_I did not realize that by saying I wasn't ready it would mean that we would never be together again._

"You may kiss the bride."

He smiled. He took Lindsey in his arms and he kissed her. He put his arm around her as they walked down the aisle amid cheers and music. He hugged and shook hands and accepted congratulations. He smiled some more.

And, at first opportunity, he walked unsteadily into the men's room and vomited.

LPLPLPLPLP

Brooke did not hang around after the wedding. She was among the first out of the church, and she hurried across the street where she found Peyton sitting her car, silently sobbing.

Wordlessly, Brooke opened the driver's side door and motioned for Peyton to slide over, which she did.

Once they were a safe distance away from the church, Brooke began, "Peyton…"

Swallowing hard, Peyton shook her head and choked out, "Not now."

"Okay."

Silence reigned for a moment, then Brooke added, "You know people are coming over, though?"

"Yeah."

Brooke was beginning to regret her offer of using her backyard as the setting of Lucas and Lindsey's reception. They'd been hard pressed to find a decent location on such short notice (no one had owned up to any particular reason for the haste, but Brooke suspected Lucas had rushed it), and Brooke's new house came with an expansive backyard, so she had offered.

Looking at Peyton now, however, Brooke could see it hadn't been the best idea.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"Lucas! Lucas Scott!"

Lucas ran a trembling hand over his face and took a moment to make sure his voice would be steady. "Jesus, Haley, this is the men's room!"

She banged her fist a few more times on the door of his bathroom stall just in case Lucas hadn't understood her urgency. "I don't care. Open up."

He gave in, standing from his half crouched position inside the cramped stall and opened the door. The look of annoyance on his best friend's face gave way to one of helplessness as she took in his appearance. "Oh, Luke…"

He pushed past her toward the sinks, splashing water on his face, which was soaked in cold sweat. "I made a mistake, Hales.", he whispered hoarsely.

"No, you didn't!"

He let out a humorless laugh. "You told me yesterday I was making a mistake!"

Haley put a hand on her best friends back. "And you told me I was wrong. You said you loved Lindsey, and you said you were sure. "

They were quiet for a moment, and Lucas asked quietly, "Is she okay?"

Haley raised an eyebrow. "Which one are you asking about?'

After a moment of contemplation, Lucas decided to be honest. "Peyton."

Haley sighed. "I don't know. Brooke went after her. I came after you."

Lucas nodded, and after a pause asked, only because it seemed expected now, "And Lindsey?'

"She's fine. She got swept up with some of her New York friends. She's _happy_." Haley was quiet for a moment and then gave in to her frustration. "God, Lucas, why do this _now_?! Why realize-"

"I know." His voice was ragged, exhausted. He finally turned away from the mirror to face Haley, his features twisted in an anguished expression, a sheen of tears shining in his blue eyes. "Hales, I don't know what I'm going to do…"

Haley stared at her best friend for a moment before stepping forward and wrapping her arms around him. They stayed like that for a few minutes, Lucas giving in to the tears and Haley letting him cry. Finally, though, she stepped back and placed a hand on each of Lucas' shoulders, and said, "Right now you are going to wash your face and pull yourself together. You are going to go outside and find your _wife_ and then you are going to go to Brooke's for the reception."

When Lucas didn't respond, Haley pulled his face up to look her in the eye and spoke firmly, "Hey…do you love Lindsey?"

Lucas swallowed. "I – yes, but-"

"No! Luke, you're married. This has to stop, you _know _it does."

Lucas nodded mutely. He didn't explain that, although he did love Lindsey, he was (who was he kidding, had always been) _in _love with Peyton. He didn't explain that for love to work, you had to give your whole heart to a person…and there was a part of his that he'd left with Peyton Sawyer, and he had no way of getting it back.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Peyton retreated into her bedroom on the second floor, closing the door, a safe distance from the celebration that would be occurring outside. She closed the curtains, cut off the lights, and collapsed onto her bed.

Then, she cried.

She had told Lucas she wanted him to be happy, and she really did. But it hurt_ so_ damn much to watch him continue the life she'd planned for with someone else. To watch him look at Lindsey the way he used to look at her.

To acknowledge the fact that Lucas Scott did not love her anymore, and that _they_, Lucas and Peyton, the ultimate couple, the epic love story…they would never be together again.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Lucas had been at the reception for almost an hour before he allowed himself to ask. He had followed Haley's advice and cleaned himself up a bit, forced a smile on his face and found Lindsey. He had danced his first dance with her as a married couple, and followed with several more. He had danced with his mother and Lindsey's. He had posed for pictures. He had smiled and laughed his way through what was supposed to be the happiest day of his life.

He found Brooke, laughingly "dancing" with Jamie, and asked in an undertone, "Where's Peyton?"

Brooke studied him closely before answering, "She's inside."

"I have to talk to her."

"I really don't think this is a good time-"

He shook his head. "I have to make sure she's okay." He started off, but Brooke seized hold of his arm.

"Hold on." She bent down to smile at Jamie. "Hey, buddy, why don't you go ask your mom to dance?"

"Okay!" Jamie hurried off, and Brooke promptly steered Lucas to the side, away from the crowd.

"Okay, Luke, I know you did not just say you want to make sure Peyton is alright. Is there really any chance you believe she _is_? You saw her walk out…" Brooke sighed. "God, Lucas, she is _so_ completely in love with you…and you got married today. How do you think she is?" She glanced to the crowd, where Lindsey had been pulled into a conga line. "Go be with your wife, okay?"

Lucas watched Brooke walk away and he sighed heavily. He knew she was right, and Haley was right. He was married. He couldn't take that back, and he couldn't keep messing with Peyton's mind. But he couldn't help himself. When it came to Peyton Sawyer, his logic and reason were not involved in decision making. It was why he had kissed her the night he proposed to Lindsey, and now it was the reason that he abandoned his own wedding reception to enter the house and head upstairs to find Peyton.

He opened the door and saw her, still in her dress, lying on her bed. She was facing away from him, so he knocked lightly on the open doorway.

"Brooke, I told you, I don't want to talk now." Just the sound of her voice made Lucas' heart go limp. It was thick and hoarse, as though she'd been crying a long time, but there was something else, too: every syllable reverberated with a raw pain, and knowing he was responsible nearly broke him.

"Hey."

She froze, then turned suddenly to stare at him. Her face was streaked with glittering tear tracks, her eyes bloodshot and anguished.

"God, Peyt-" he instinctively took a step toward her.

"Don't!" She recoiled from his touch and pulled herself up slightly. "Go away, Lucas, I can't do this now."

He defied this, instead moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

Her voice breaking, Peyton tearfully insisted, "_Please_, Luke, please just go…"

"I can't do that." He paused. "Peyton, I'm sorry."

She closed her eyes and whispered. "For what?"

"All sorts of things."

She opened her eyes to stare at him. She had made the same apology, years and years ago, shortly following the first time she had made a mistake in their relationship, the first time she'd run scared.

She had done it again, three years ago, and look where it had gotten her.

She couldn't stop it anymore. She began to cry again, hard, shuddering sobs. Lucas moved closer, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into the safest place she knew.

However, just as soon as he tightened his grip around her, he let go abruptly and drew back. "God, Peyt, I'm sorry….I just…I'm-"

"You're married", she finished in a strangled voice. "Damn it, Lucas…" She turned her back to him, her right hand pressed against her mouth to stifle the sobs that wouldn't stop.

There was a heavy, burdened silence hanging over them for a few moments, and the Lucas stood up. "I should go…"

Peyton listened to his footsteps as they neared the door, and before she could stop herself she burst out, "Why did you even come up here?!"

Lucas stopped, his palms pressed against the door. He drew a slow, calming, searching for words he could say that answered the question honestly. He could no longer tell her he loved her. He couldn't say that he made a mistake getting married.

His voice was low as he slowly answered, "I just…I just wanted you to know…it's never going to be like it was with us." He paused, but was met with only silence. "I just…I don't want you to think that I've forgotten. Or that I've replaced…" Lucas let his voice trail off, sure he wasn't articulating his feelings very well. "I don't know."

Hot tears were streaming rapidly down her face, and Peyton was sure she wouldn't be able to speak if she tried, which was no big deal, because there wasn't much to say in response to that statement. What was she supposed to say? That it wasn't enough? That nothing he could say her now would be enough to fix her?

Lucas waited, but was met with only silence. Finally, he stepped out. "Bye, Peyton."

LPLPLPLPLP

"Hey, hubby." Lindsey wrapped her arms around his waist. "I've been looking for you. Where you been?"

"Nowhere." He murmured, leaning in to kiss her. This was his new wife; he was supposed to kiss her.

Lindsey drew back slightly. "Luke. Everything okay?"

"Fine. More than fine. Everything is perfect." He groaned inwardly. He had always been able to say the right thing, to tell the perfect lie.

"Lucas, I'm not stupid, okay? I saw you today, when Peyton got up and walked out. I saw the look on your face." She lowered her voice. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Look, I'm sorry. I was just worried about Peyton." At the look that crossed Lindsey's face, he hurriedly added, "It's not a big deal, okay? I just know she's hurting." He readied himself for more lies. "And it's not like it's my fault, but I just…I feel bad for her."

Lindsey seemed to consider this, then leaned forward and kissed him. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. I know how you are, Luke. You have a good heart, and she's your friend. It's okay you were worried."

Ignoring a stab of guilt, Lucas smiled at her. "Thanks."

Slipping her hand into his, Lindsey returned the smile. "Let's dance."


	2. A Bad Dream

**Hey guys, just wanted to say how much I appreciated the reviews! This is my first One Tree Hill fic, and I'm glad you guys are enjoying it. **

_Chapter Two_

_A Bad Dream_

_I wake up, it's a bad dream  
No one on my side  
I was fighting  
But I just feel too tired  
To be fighting  
Guess I'm not the fighting kind  
Wouldn't mind it  
If you were by my side  
But you're long gone  
Yeah you're long gone now  
A Bad Dream, Keane_

Peyton was a mess.

In the week following Lucas' wedding, she stayed in her room, in spite of the fact that Lucas and Lindsey were in Paris, Lindsey's choice for their honeymoon, so there was no risk of running into them.

Brooke had made her throw a copy of Lucas' book into the fire, but even Brooke didn't know about the multiple copies Peyton owned, so for days she buried herself in Lucas' words, as if she could somehow believe that the life documented in his novel still existed, as though she could will herself back to that time.

Six days after the wedding Brooke barreled into Peyton's room around ten in the morning with a determined look on her face, opened the shades and jerked the covers off Peyton. "Get up."

Squinting against the sudden light, Peyton moaned. "God, Brooke, I was sleeping."

"Well, now you're not. Now you're going to get up and take a shower, eat breakfast with me, and get your scrawny ass to the studio. Haley called, Mia's back in town, and she wants to do some recording of…acoustic versions or cover songs or something music-y."

"Haley can handle it."

Brooke closed her eyes, sighing heavily. "Peyton, come on. I hate to say it, but this is getting pathetic."

Peyton shrugged, uncaring. Brooke sat down next to her on the bed and spoke more soothingly. "C'mon, I know you. I know you have more fight in you than this. Since when are you _ever_ weak?"

"Since always, when it comes to Lucas." Peyton looked at her best friend. "I know I'm being pathetic. I know I'm being weak. But I just can't…" Her voice broke, eyes filling with tears for what felt like the millionth time in a week. "God, why did I say no, Brooke?"

Brooke wrapped an arm comfortingly around her friend's shoulder. "You never said no. You said someday. It's his loss, P. Sawyer."

Peyton shook her head vehemently. "I _broke_ his heart!"

"He broke yours, too! He still is, Peyton."

Wiping her eyes, Peyton nodded. "True."

"Now, I _know_ that you think Lucas is always saving you. And a lot of times he did. But you have to save yourself sometimes, too, okay? Don't let him do this to you." Brooke suddenly shifted on the bed, reaching under her thigh and removing a copy of Lucas' book. She stared at it, then at Peyton. "Okay, I thought we burned this."

Sniffling, Peyton shrugged. "Yeah, I have like twenty copies."

Brooke laughed a little and tossed the book on the floor. "That doesn't surprise me. Now get up. Take a shower, and _go._ Stop driving yourself crazy. It may help."

Peyton slowly nodded, standing up. "Thank you."

Brooke gave her a quick hug. "That's the girl I know."

LPLPLPLPLP

Speaking of Peyton, is she coming in today or…"

"I don't know, Brooke swore she was going to get Peyton here but it doesn't look like she got very-"

"Hey."

They both turned to see Peyton standing in the doorway.

Both Haley and Mia stood and spoke simultaneously. "Heeeeeey."

Peyton almost winced at the matching, sympathetic tone. "I look that bad, huh?"

"No, you don't, we're just glad to see you. Come here." Haley walked forward and hugged Peyton warmly. "How _are _you?"

"I'm okay." It was a lie, of course, but at least she bothered pretending, which was an improvement of the last few days. She addressed Haley. "Sorry I've been M.I.A. And sorry about not calling you back or anything I was just…embarrassed I guess."

Unexpectedly, Haley's eyes filled with tears as she really took a close look at her friend. Peyton just looked so _broken_, as though every spark she had had been beaten out of her.

"God, Peyton, I'm _so _sorry."

Peyton looked genuinely bewildered. "For what?"

"For not making it clear to you that I'm here. I know I haven't exactly tried to see your side but…I really am here for you, Peyt. "

"It's okay." Peyton told her, offering up a tiny smile, her first in what felt like ages.

Haley pulled her into another hug. "Good."

Peyton exhaled slowly and then turned to Mia. "So you ready to get to work?"

Mia grinned. "Hell yeah."

A few minutes later, Haley and Peyton were sitting in silence in the booth, listening to Mia play her version of "Hallelujah".

Peyton closed her eyes, letting the music flow over her. As she opened her eyes and looked around the office, however, she couldn't stop herself from hearing the echoes.

_You__ gave up on __me!_

_I have told everyone I didn't come back for you, but I did. Of course I did._

_You still love me, don't you?_

God, she had _kissed_ him. And _he_ had kissed back, even initiated the second kiss. Had he known then what he was about to do? Had he been planning his proposal while he kissed her?

_I'm in love with her Peyton._

_It's just…weird timing._

_I do._

Haley glanced over at Peyton and noticed the tears streaming silently down her face. Peyton was staring straight ahead, seemingly unaware that she was crying.

Haley put a gentle hand on her friend's shoulder. "Peyton?"

"Huh?" She snapped back to reality, quickly swiping at the tears. "Sorry, God…I'm fine. Really." She faced forward, listening to Mia.

_Maybe there's a God above  
And all I ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you  
It's not a cry you can hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah_

Peyton squeezed her eyes shut over more tears, and there was a catch in her voice when she spoke again. "You know what? I think I'm going to go, this was a bad idea-"

"No, Peyton, please stay. C'mon, when we're done here you and I can go get some lunch."

"Haley, you really don't have to-"

"I know I don't. I want to. Please."

Sighing, Peyton relented. "Okay. Fine. For _you._" She managed a shaky smile. "And a little for me, too, because I'm pretty sure if I go back to my room Brooke's gonna have me committed."

Haley smiled back. "That's the spirit…kind of."

LPLPLPLPLP

For the next few days, Peyton's life was about going through the motions.

Brooke and Haley were worried about her, and she didn't want that. So she went to the studio, and she went out with to eat with them whenever they planned it. She stopped shutting herself in her room when she was in the house.

She pretended that he wasn't on her mind every second, that his 'I do' to Lindsey wasn't echoing in her head. She fought the tears that were so easily provoked. She avoided asking about him.

On day, she and Haley were sitting in the studio. Mia had returned to her tour, and Haley and Peyton had decided to make a record.

Haley looked somewhat nervous, and Peyton smiled at her through the glass of the booth. "You ready, rock star?"

Haley laughed, visibly relaxing. "I guess we'll find out."

Peyton cued the music, and Haley closed her eyes, and began to sing, instantly at ease and looking like an old pro.

Peyton sat down and closed her eyes, listening.

_Its gotta be this one  
Don't have to fake it  
You know I can take it  
What if i told you your tears haven't been ignored  
And everything that is taken can be restored_

_Feel this  
Can you feel this  
My heart beating out of my chest  
Feel this  
Can you feel this  
Salvation under my breath_

The music swept over her, tugging easily at Peyton's heart. A lump formed in her throat and tears filled her eyes; this had become, recently, her reaction to anything remotely emotional.

_It's gotta be disguised  
Soul and script  
Chord and the lyrics  
What if I told you that innocence is yours  
And the beauty you have now is brighter than before  
Before_

_Feel this  
Can you feel this  
My heart beating out of my chest  
Feel this  
Can you feel this  
Salvation under my breath_

_Let go, let go and believe, let go, let go and believe, _

_Let go, let go and believe_

God, she needed to let go of him. She wanted to. He was married, and based on the past week or so Peyton didn't think she could live like this for too long. It hurt too much, and she was too miserable. She went through each day just waiting to be able to fall asleep and forget, and what kind of life was that?

The music faded and Haley looked expectantly at her. Swallowing against the lump in her throat, Peyton turned on the mic and said, "That was great, Hales. Nice work."

Haley's eyebrows knit in concern, and she hurried into the booth. "You okay?"

Swallowing against the lump in her throat, Peyton smiled weakly, "Yeah. I'll be fine. I'm serious, though, Haley, it was awesome."

"Thanks." Haley was still peering at her with a sympathetic expression on her face. "You know Lucas gets back today?"

Peyton nodded. "Yeah I know."

Haley smiled tentatively. "I'm cooking dinner for them tonight, and I was going to invite Brooke, too…if you wanted to come?"

"Um, thanks, Haley, but I'm really hoping to avoid them as long as possible."

Haley nodded, understanding and not surprised. "Okay."

Peyton's tear-filled eyes met Haley's and she said quietly, "I really am glad that he's happy, you know? It's just…it's going to take some time to…give up on the idea of _us_."

Haley felt a pang of sadness at her friend's words. Because she knew that Lucas wasn't happy, not really. His stubborn denial had caught up with him, leaving both Peyton and himself reeling.

Peyton continued, "It's just…it's really hard. I never really let myself imagine a real future…a happily ever after type thing, until Lucas came along and now that's just gone-" Her voice broke, and she pressed her lips tightly together, then finished quietly, "I just don't know what to do without him."

"I know."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"You ruined my life."

Haley rolled her eyes. "How do you figure?"

"I was doing _fine_ before you told me the book was about her. I was engaged, I was excited about getting married-"

"You were in denial."

"Yeah, well, it was a good denial, okay?" They were standing in Haley's kitchen, Lucas leaning against the counter and complaining while he watched Haley cook.

"I didn't write the book, Luke."

He groaned. "I know. I _know_. And now Lindsey's going to edit it, and all I can think about it how completely obvious it is to me now. And you know what else? I have been in _Paris_ for two weeks, doing all this romantic stuff. It should have been perfect. And all I could think about was getting back and seeing Peyton."

Haley gave him a look.

Lucas continued, "I'm married. I'm not supposed to be thinking things like that. How do I stop?"

"I have no idea, Lucas." She sighed. "Listen, I hate to say this, but maybe this is the kind of thing you should talk to Lindsey about. I mean, this is hardly an ideal beginning to a marriage, and this is supposed to be the easy part."

He shook his head dismissively. "No way. I can't just say something like that. Who does that? What kind of person…no, I love Lindsey. I do." Haley couldn't help but wonder who Lucas was trying to convince, but she stayed silent. "And I wanted to marry her before all this. It was just really fast, which is kind of overwhelming, but that's normal, right?

"This sounds an awful like that denial we talked about, Luke."

He shook his head. "It'll be fine." Quietly, to himself, he added, "It has to be."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

She successfully avoided them for two weeks.

She refused a few more invitations to dinner, and she skipped the next two Ravens games.

Brooke wasn't happy about it. The night of the second game Peyton refused to come to, Brooke asked her bluntly, "P.Sawyer, how long are you going to hide in the house and in your office? This is a small town, and you and Lucas have literally identical friends and acquaintances. This is not a long term strategy."

"I know that."

"So _come_ to the game. It'll be an easy start, he'll be far away coaching, and Lindsey will be sitting somewhere else. You don't even have to see them together. It'll be like peeling off the band aid."

"_Brooke_!" Peyton's voice came out harsher than she'd intended. "I do _not _feel like going to a basketball game again, okay? As much fun as the last one was, what with getting locked in the library and everything, I think I'll sit this one out."

Brooke shook her head in a defeated, 'I give up' sort of way and left soon.

A week later, Peyton was working late in her office when she walked out into Tric, having forgotten about the night's concert. Keane was one of her favorite bands, but she had decided to skip it in the interest of, as Brooke might say, leaving the band-aid on as long as possible.

Still, once she was out, she couldn't resist staying. She moved through the crowd, her eyes scanning the mass of bodies.

She was just beginning to relax when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Peyton!"

She turned around, a smile already plastered on her face, so wide it made her face hurt. "Oh, hey. Lucas. How was Paris?"

"Good." He paused, awkward silence settling. "How are you?"

"Good."

"That's, uh…"

Peyton's eyebrows shot up. "Good?"

He smiled wryly. "Yeah."

"There you are…" A familiar voice from behind Lucas said. Lindsey sidled up to him through the crowd, immediately tucking a hand in the crook of his arm as her eyes darted to Peyton. "Wondered where you'd disappeared to." She paused. "Hi, Peyton."

"Hi." Peyton felt sick as she took in the new confidence in Lindsey's manner, the rings glinting on both of their fingers, the closeness of their bodies. Desperately forcing her smile to remain in place, she said, "Congratulations, also. I, um, didn't get a chance to see you after the wedding-"

"I noticed." Lindsey replied. She looked up at her husband. "C'mon, Luke, let's grab a drink."

He nodded. "Yeah, okay." As they walked away, he threw her a glance over his shoulder, apologetic. "It was good to see you…"

Peyton watched him leave, her heart pounding in her ears. She whirled around, suddenly overwhelmed with a need to leave the club.

LPLPLPLPLP

Lindsey had trouble falling asleep.

She had been a bitch earlier, and as much as she'd enjoyed the immediate rush it had given her, she felt guilty. Peyton had obviously been trying, the last few weeks between the disastrous library incident and the wedding, and she didn't really deserve to be snapped at.

She finally drifted off around one, but woke up again around two. She was momentarily confused; something was obviously out of place. Then, she realized that Lucas was gone.

A few seconds of intense listening was enough to make it clear to Lindsey that Lucas was not only not in the bed, but not in the house. Sighing, she leaned back against her pillows.

When she thought about their wedding day, she didn't want to imagine the way he'd stared after Peyton, sorrow and regret etched on his face. And when she thought of their honeymoon, she didn't want to remember the time she'd caught him staring up at the ceiling, one morning when he'd thought she was still asleep, his eyes intensely helpless, expression lost.

Yet these were the images that stuck.

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas was lying on his back in the middle of the river court, his eyes closed, breathing in the cool night air. He felt a bit stupid, honestly, but this place always calmed him, allowed him to think.

He had been away on his honeymoon for only two weeks, but somehow he felt as though he'd been gone longer, like maybe he was still gone. He opened his eyes, staring at the inky blackness of the sky above him. He felt so far away from the boy who had signed his name on this court, and for just a moment, he would have given anything to be that person again.

**Thanks again for all the great reviews…keep them coming! This wasn't the most eventful chapter, but promise things are about to get interesting. I've written the first six chapters, so updates should be fairly quick…provided you review of course : ) **


	3. Not As We

_**Chapter Three**_

_Not as We_

_Reborn and shivering  
Settled on new terrain  
Unsure, unkind, insane  
It's faint and shaken  
Day one, day one  
Start over again  
Step one, step one  
I'm barely making sense  
For now I'm faking it  
'Til I'm psuedo-making it  
From scratch, begin again  
But this time I as I  
And not as we_

"Let's go, P. Sawyer, it's party time. Owen's here."

Peyton hurried down the stairs, one hand clutching a gift, the other putting on her left earring. "Sorry, I'm ready."

Brooke rolled her eyes. "Good. I thought you were going to flake out on me. But you didn't." Brooke sounded satisfied.

"Not for lack of trying," Peyton muttered, following Brooke out of the house and to Owen's car. Brooke had refused accepted any excuse Peyton had come up with for opting out of Jamie's fifth birthday party.

Soon, the three of them were walking up the walk to Haley and Nathan's house, Peyton lagging behind. After she rang the doorbell, Brooke turned to look at Peyton. "Stay strong, P. Sawyer, you can do this."

LPLPLPLPLP

"Uncle Lucas!!"

"J.Luke!" Lucas grinned down at his nephew. "So what do you think, buddy, is five too old for a bear hug?"

Jamie looked contemplative for a moment. "I don't think so."

"Good." Lucas grabbed Jamie with one arm and lifted him up, amid peals of laughter. Lindsey, standing next to them, watched fondly. "Happy birthday, Jamie."

On his feet again, Jamie smiled. "Thank you. Do you wanna play Rock Band with me?"

"You know I do!"

"Cool! I call the guitar. You can play, too, Lindsey."

"Well, thank you. And that's Aunt Lindsey to you now, buster."

"Oh, right. Sorry. _Aunt_ Lindsey."

Lucas laughed, snaking his arm around his wife's waste as they followed Jamie to the living room. Today had been a good day. Lindsey had surprised him at school, and they had had a long lunch in his office, talking and laughing, and letting him remember why he had fallen for her.

He was okay. He could do this. He was married and he would be happy.

Then, a few songs into his Rock Band game, he turned and caught a glimpse of Peyton, hovering toward the back of the living room. Their eyes met, and he was lost once again.

LPLPLPLPLP

She had told herself she would do everything possible to avoid seeing them, yet Peyton couldn't seem to look away. His arm was around Lindsey, they were laughing, and soon they were playing Rock Band with Jamie, Lucas on drums and Lindsey singing.

They looked at ease, happy, in love. And Peyton couldn't stop the recurring thought from running through her head: _It should be me._

Lucas turned around at one point, and his eyes found hers. Too late to pretend she hadn't been watching, Peyton felt her cheeks flushed as she managed a small smile of greeting. He returned it, tentatively, then slowly turned back around.

Peyton felt a shoulder bump against hers.

"Please, tell me you are not planning on standing here torturing yourself the entire party." Brooke said, rolling her eyes. "Go. Talk to people. _All_ of your friends are here, you should interact."

Peyton sighed in mock-reluctance. "Fine, if I _have _to."

She proceeded to make small talk with Skills, followed by Mouth and Millicent for the next half hour. Although no one mentioned it, she could read the blatant sympathy in their eyes, and it made Peyton feel uncomfortable, exposed. She excused herself from the last conversation as soon as possible, and found Haley, who'd been running back and forth from the kitchen.

"Hey."

"Oh, Peyton, hey! I'm really glad you could come."

"Thanks. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Haley stood up and, after only a brief hesitation, said in a tone of relief, "Yes, actually. Jamie was dead set on his three favorite foods, which it turns out are cake, ice cream, and cookies."

Peyton couldn't help but laugh. "Nice choices."

"Yes, but with the cake and everything the cookies were a lot to bake, and I've gotten behind, so if you don't mind, could you go to kitchen and check the batch in the oven? And put the next batch in when it's time?"

"Sure, no problem."

Haley smiled. "Thanks, that will really be helping me out."

Peyton headed to the kitchen and peered into the oven. The cookies inside still had a minute or so left to bake, so Peyton leaned on the counter, glad for a moment alone.

Her mind wandered back to her kitchen, years ago, she and Lucas throwing cookie dough at each other. That was the day they decided to just be happy.

As she took the cookies out of the oven, she let her mind wander back to that day. They _had_ been happy, in spite of her failed batch of cookies, and they had stayed happy, in spite of distance and time.

Until that one night changed everything, and they were apart before Peyton could even realize it had happened.

As if he had been conjured by her thoughts, Lucas' voice was suddenly behind her, "Please tell me _you_ didn't bake those. Because, I gotta say, I'm not in the mood for chocolate chip and _salt_ cookies."

She turned to look at him, unsmiling.

Lucas' smile dropped. "Sorry." He hovered awkwardly for a few moments as Peyton put the batch Haley had waiting in the oven. Then, Lucas said, "I just wanted to say hey."

Unsure of how to respond to this, Peyton shrugged. "Okay. Hi."

"Also, uh…I wanted to apologize if things have been awkward lately. I mean, at the club last week and everything…it just sort of feels like you're avoiding me…"

Peyton looked down, unable to dispute this.

Lucas waited uncertainly for a reply; getting none, he added, "I mean, I was really hoping that we could still…be friends and everything. We _can_ be friends, can't we?"

Peyton laughed humorlessly. "No, Luke, I really don't think we can."

His eyebrows knit together, take aback. "Why can't we?"

"_I_ can't. Me. It's just too…_hard_ right now. What with everything that's…" Her voice trailed off, and she couldn't make herself look at him.

"Oh." Lucas paused, letting this statement sink in. "Okay. I guess…I guess I get that." He turned, heading out of the kitchen, and Peyton closed her eyes. Just before going out, however, Lucas stopped and turned. "But…someday?"

Peyton looked up at him, familiar tears stinging her eyes. Lucas immediately knew what she was thinking.

_I never said no! I said I loved you, and I did want to marry you someday!_

_I said __someday__._

Without waiting for an answer, Lucas quickly hurried out of the kitchen.

LPLPLPLPLP

"Where are you going?"

Peyton pulled on her coat. "Tric." It was a few hours after Jamie's birthday party.

Brooke raised her eyebrows. "What do you have to work on this late?"

Peyton smiled tightly. "I am not working, I am _drinking_."

"Why?" The tone of Brooke's voice suggested she knew the answer.

"Because today I saw Lucas and Lindsey being a perfect couple, and I told Lucas we can't be friends anymore. And I realized I have been doing this all wrong. So I am going to drink and maybe even have some meaningless drunken sex to take my mind off it."

Brooke dropped her shoulders and gave Peyton a look. "Do you really think that will help?"

Peyton groaned. "_Really_, Brooke? You swear by that method of curing a broken heart!"

"Yeah, but _you_ don't. You should be listening to music, and doing sad drawings and wallowing in the past. That's what _you_ do."

"Yeah, well, I've done that, and it's not helping. _Shockingly_. And I'm _so_ tired of feeling like this. So I'm trying a different approach."

LPLPLPLPLP

"Gimme another one."

"You don't think that was enough?"

Peyton squinted at Owen, on the other side of the bar. "Lemme guess. _Brooke _told _you_ to keep an eye on _me._ Right?"

"You got it."

"Gimme another one."

Owen poured her another shot, and Peyton downed it.

He watched her with a mildly interested expression. "So. Lucas, huh?"

"Yes. But I don't wanna talk about him."

"Fair enough."

"One more."

"Let me get that." A guy with jet black hair had sat down next to Peyton.

Owen glanced at Peyton, who nodded.

As Owen placed the shot in front of Peyton, the guy smiled at Peyton. "I'm Andrew."

She smiled unsteadily back. "Doesn't really matter."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"Walk of shame, huh? Classy."

Peyton groaned and fell onto the couch next to Brooke, eyes squeezed shut. "Shut up."

"You look like death."

"I look like _hangover_. And have I mentioned how glad I am that you're around to tell me these things?"

Brooke ignored the sarcasm. "How did you get home?"

"Cab. My car's still at Tric."

"I know, Owen told me."

Peyton's eyes flew open and she glared at Brooke. "Yeah, about that. Can you _not_ make him your watchdog? I felt judged."

"I'm just looking out for you."

"Well, that's really sweet. But I'm fine. I can take care of myself."

"I know. But you don't _have_ to, okay? Just remember that."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"She said she doesn't even want to be friends."

Haley shrugged. She and Lucas were sitting in his office, eating lunch. "Honestly, can you blame her, Luke? You know she's still in love with you, it's got to be really hard, seeing you, and seeing you with Lindsey."

"Yeah, I know that. It's just…I never thought she'd be out of my life completely, you know?"

Haley smiled sadly. "I know. But maybe it'll just take some time."

"Maybe." After a moment of silence, Lucas moaned and lowered his head. "God, Hales, I'm losing my mind.

Concerned, Haley put down her fork and stared at him. "What do you mean?"

"She's driving me crazy."

"Lindsey, or….?"

"Peyton. I-I can't…" Flustered, he stopped, drew a breath, and then continued, "Like yesterday. Lindsey and I had been great all day. I was fine, you know? Then we got to your place, and as soon as I saw Peyton there…I had to spend the whole time trying to make myself leave her alone. Which lasted all of fifteen minutes. And then I was distracted the whole night."

Haley nodded, thinking. "Well, then maybe the not being friends thing is for the best, you know? Maybe you both could use some distance?"

Lucas shrugged, clearly unconvinced. "Maybe, but it's not just when she's around. It's…like when I'm here. This place is all her, you know? I know where her locker was, I know where we used to go make out between classes-"

"Did I need to know that?"

"Like you and Nathan didn't do that. Anyway…all I can think about is how we used to be, and how I was happier then. It's not just here either…it's everywhere."

Haley sighed. "I don't know what to tell you, Luke."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Peyton worked out a routine over the next few days.

She worked during the day, had lunch with Brooke or Haley, went straight from the office to Tric. She drank, and sometimes she went home with someone, sometimes they came home with her. If she went to their place, she took a cab home in the middle of the night. If they came with her, she kicked them out in the morning.

It worked for her. There was less time to think.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

It was a Friday night, and Skills and the guys were having another 'no parents allowed' sleepover with Jamie. So Lindsey and Lucas were going to Tric with Haley and Nathan, their long established routine for those nights.

They'd been there about an hour, and Lucas went to the bar to get drinks for him and Lindsey.

He was waiting for the drinks when he saw her. Empty shot glasses littered the bar in front of her, and some guy next to her had his arm draped around her.

A white hot flash of rage overtook him. He stared openly, and Owen put the drinks down in front of him, but Lucas didn't notice.

They were standing up. Peyton and the stranger were standing up to leave, together, and Lucas heard himself call, "Peyton!"

She turned and stared blearily at him. Then, she turned very deliberately and started to leave with that stranger.

Rational thought left him. He was running around the bar, after them. "Peyton, _Peyton_…" He touched her arm and she whirled. "What are you doing?"

She was slurring as she said, "I am leaving with Jeff here."

"Uh, it's Jason." The guy said from behind her put in.

Lucas gave the guy his best death glare and turned back to Peyton, his voice low, "Peyton, you're drunk..."

"I know I am."

"Come on, don't do this…let me call you a cab."

Peyton stared at him, looking surprisingly serious. "_You_ can_not_ save me from this, Lucas. I'm not yours to save anymore." Then she turned and walked out.

Lucas stared after her. He stared at the guys hand on her waste, watched it drift lower. His stomach churned.

He turned, forgetting about the drinks at the bar, and weaved through the crowd until he made it to where Lindsey, Haley and Nathan were standing.

Lindsey gave him an expectant look. "No drinks?"

He reached out and took her hand, "Come here."

He pulled her through the crowd, pushing through to the front of the dance area, through the door to go backstage. Then he led the way to one of the larger dressing rooms, now unoccupied since there was no band that evening. He locked the door.

Lindsey stared. "What are we doing, crazy?"

He didn't answer, just leaned in and kissed her hard.

LPLPLPLPLP

"Just FYI, your friends are insane."

Brooke groaned inwardly. She was in the store after hours, sketching. She shifted the phone to her other shoulder, "Why, what happened? Is Peyton okay?"

"Relatively speaking. She left already with the guy of the evening." Owen replied.

"So what are you talking?"

"Your friend Lucas was there, and he showed up to order drinks, and saw them leaving. He left without the drinks to chase after them."

"Oh, my God. What did he say?"

"I don't know, they were too far away. They didn't talk for long, though, and she left with the guy anyway. Lucas looked pretty pissed off."

Brooke sighed. "Of course he did."

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas kissed her so hard it hurt. They were on the floor of the dressing room, half clothed.

Her heart was racing. She would never have thought Lucas would be the type for 'I must have you now' sex in public places. Yet now he was making love to her with a fury and intensity he never had before.

Something was different though. Not just the spontaneity or the location, or even the fact that he hadn't said a word to her since they entered the room.

He never looked at her. Not once.


	4. White Horse

_**Hey everyone, thanks so much for the reviews. Seriously, I love them. They are great writing incentives…hint, hint. Enjoy. Also, I am in no way a Taylor Swift fan, but this song really fits Lucas and Peyton in this chapter. Really, this whole part of this story.**_

_Chapter Four_

_White Horse_

_I'm not a princess  
This ain't a fairytale  
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet  
Lead her up the stairwell  
This isn't Hollywood,  
This is a small town  
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down  
Now it's too late for you and your white horse,  
To come around_

"What is she _doing_?"

Brooke gave Lucas an exasperated look. "Nothing you need to worry about."

"Brooke, she's going to get hurt-"

Brooke gave him a sardonic smile. "She's already hurt. That's kind of _why_ she's doing this."

Lucas clenched his teeth. "That's not the kind of hurt I meant, Brooke. You really think this is good for her?"

"I think Peyton's a big girl. She can make her own decisions." Brooke was hanging clothes on the racks, and then she turned to look at Lucas. "Look, Luke, don't worry about her, okay? She'll be okay."

He was quiet for a moment. "Is it really every night?"

Brooke sighed. "Usually. Look, she's dealing, okay? You of all people have to let her."

LPLPLPLPLP

Lindsey was in the kitchen, drinking coffee in her robe when he got back to the house. ""Hey, where have you been so early on a Saturday?"

"Brooke's store." Lindsey raised an eyebrow quizzically and he clarified, "She's been having some issues with her mom and I just…thought I'd see if everything was okay."

"You're sweet." Lindsey came forward and wrapped her arms around him, kissing him slowly. "So, what got into _you_ last night?"

"What? Oh…" He smiled. "Just thought I'd show you I can still surprise you."

"Well, that was definitely surprising."

"Good. Can't let you thinking you have me all figured out."

"Ah, I see. Coffee?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Lindsey's smile faded as she turned her back on her husband and walked to the coffee maker. She may not have her husband figured out, but she knew enough to realize there was a lot he wasn't saying.

LPLPLPLPLP

That Monday, Haley came into Lucas' office for lunch, as usual. One of the first things she said was, "So where did you and Lindsey disappear to on Friday?"

"Nowhere really. Just wanted some alone time."

Haley's eyebrows shot up. "Well, _excuse_ us. Was everything okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Uh, because you looked ready to kill someone." He didn't answer. Haley leaned forward. "You saw Peyton?"

Lucas' head snapped up. "You _knew_ she was there?"

"Brooke told me."

"But you, you knew that-that she's been-"

Haley's voice was quiet. "Yes."

Lucas sighed. "I'm just worried about her."

"I know. I am, too, Luke, but she's-"

He cut her off. "A 'big girl', yeah, I know."

Silence settled for a few moments, then Haley said, "So, um, what does seeing Peyton have to do with you and Lindsey disappearing. Seriously, you came back and practically dragged her off."

Lucas felt the heat rise to his cheeks, and he looked away.

After a beat of silence, Haley said, "Look, if you don't tell me, I'll just ask Lindsey."

"Fine, okay, uuuh…we kinda went to one of the dressing rooms in the back…"

Haley was uncomprehending for a second, and then comprehension dawned. "Oh, _God_, Luke!"

Defensive, he held up his hands. "_What_?! What is so wrong with that?"

"You see Peyton leave with some strange guy in a bar, _supposedly_ try to stop her, and then go straight to your wife and practically drag her away for sex in a dressing room of a club? You don't see anything wrong with that?"

"Okay, maybe. I just lost my mind, Hales. She was drunk, and this guy was all over her, it looked really…sketchy?"

"Sketchy?"

"Sketchy."

"You're jealous."

Lucas groaned. "No, it's not…it's not about being jealous! I'm _not_ jealous! I just want her to be okay!"

"Luke, first of all, she's _not_ okay, and second of all, you being _worried_ about Peyton does not translate into you dragging your wife into a dressing room. You being_ jealous _does."

"How exactly?"

"I don't know, in some twisted way you were trying to get back at her maybe? I don't even pretend to understand the way you act when it comes to Peyton lately."

He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "That makes two of us."

LPLPLPLPLP

The next weekend, Lindsey had to fly to New York for a meeting with some publishers. She and Lucas were in pretty far in the editing of _The Comet_, and publishing deadlines were being set.

Lucas drove her to the airport and said goodbye at the gate, and he couldn't help but be relieved when she was gone. The talk of the book always made him feel suffocated and exposed, as though the true meaning of the comet was written all over his face.

That night, he drove to Tric alone.

LPLPLPLPLP

Peyton was in her usual bar stool, talking to Owen about Lucas' first book.

"And here's what he wrote, he wrote that 'In that moment…my triump was not a state championship but a moment of clar-i-ty. I was and would always be…in love with Peyton Sawyer.'" She looked up from her glass. "That is _me_. Peyton."

"Yeah, I'm aware of that." Owen informed her. "This is the first time you've wanted to talk about the forbidden topic…what gives?"

"I dunno." She muttered. "Bad day." She woken up in tears from a dream she could barely remember. All she knew was she'd been in the hotel room, trying to get to Lucas, but hadn't been able to somehow.

The bar top blurred in front of her, and she blinked quickly as she looked back at Owen. "I think I need more."

"Well, well, well. Peyton Sawyer."

She turned and her mouth fell open. "Chris fucking Keller? !"

He grinned. "She remembers me." He took the seat next to her.

Peyton groaned. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Playing a gig nearby…thought I'd check out the old home turf." He ordered a drink, then turned back to Peyton. "We haven't seen each other since Honey Grove! Let's see…_you_ were the one with Lucas then, right? How'd that work out."

Peyton threw back a shot. "Go away."

Chris winced. "That bad, huh? Is that why you're camped at the bar?"

"Owen. One more."

"I'll get this one, and make it two." Chris said, his signature cocky grin in place. "Now, tell me all about it, Peyton."

"Well, Lucas got _married_. And not to me."

Chris put on a pitying face. "Tough stuff. You need Chris Keller to console you?"

"_Never_." She said vehemently. "_I _will never be that drunk."

"You might want to reconsider. I'm a real good listener….among other things." Chris turned the smile wattage up. "In _fact_, I could show you-" Suddenly, a fist collided with Chris' jaw, and he went tumbling off the bar stool.

Peyton stared, wide eyed, as Lucas yanked Chris up by his collar. "No _way_. You stay the _hell_ away from her-"

"Geez, man, last time you didn't get this mad _last_ time I was with one of your girlfriends, and I was in _bed_ with her -" Lucas shoved Chris so he crumpled to the ground again, shouting as he fell, "Geez, dude, aren't you _married _anyway?"

Lucas turned blazing eyes on Peyton. "_Chris Keller?_"

She glared at him. "What do _you _care?"

He shook his head, anger and jealousy choking him. "I just didn't think _you_ would ever stoop that low."

Peyton inhaled sharply. They stared at each other for a long moment, and then Peyton slapped him. Hard.

Lucas was busy holding his cheek, leaning against the bar, so Peyton turned to Chris, who had just picked himself up off the floor.

"C'mon, let's go."

Chris' eyes widened. "For real?"

"Yeah, let's go."

"Sweet."

LPLPLPLPLP

"What is it about Lucas, anyway? I mean, I'm not going to complain, the dude has gotten me some action."

Peyton drew back. "Okay, if we're gonna do this, we need to get some things straight. One, you don't talk. Second, you definitely do not _sing_. Third, you do not hang around in the morning. And fifth…I meant fourth, this is _just_ sex. And it is _not_ about you."

"Oh, _that_ I am totally clear on. It's about Lucas."

Peyton blinked up at him. "That is _not_ not talking."

Chris grinned. "I feel kinda bad for the guy. I mean, I've been slapped by you, too. Kinda hot, but it does hurt."

"Just shut up and take off your damn pants."

LPLPLPLPLP

Two hours later, Chris Keller was sleeping soundly in her bed, and Peyton was staring into the darkness. Her drunken haze had disappeared; in fact, it had been fading ever since she'd seen Lucas.

Suddenly, she could not take the presence of Chris Keller in her bed, and she quickly got up and retreated into the hallway.

Her knees gave out below her and she slid down the wall to sit on the floor. She was suddenly weighed down. She had slept with Chris Keller. She had slapped Lucas. She had had nothing but a string of drunken nights and one night stands for the past few weeks.

And none of it was helping.

For the first time in awhile, since before the new strategy, Peyton let herself really cry.

LPLPLPLPLP

"Good morning."

Brooke froze, mid bite of her muffin. She raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Oh, God, please tell me I'm having a dream."

Chris leaned on the counter, grinning. "Still dreaming about Chris Keller, huh?"

"Correction, I mean a _nightmare_." Brooke stared at him, still in shock. "Actually, I _know _I'm having a nightmare, because even Peyton wouldn't-"

"Hey!" Peyton appeared in the living room, glaring at Chris. "What did I say about hanging around? Get the hell out!"

Chris held up his hands in surrender, quite clearly amused by the situation, and returned to Peyton's bedroom.

Brooke turned wide eyes on Peyton. "Chris _Keller_?!"

Peyton fell onto the couch. "I know."

"_Chris_ _Keller_."

"Brooke," Peyton snapped. "I _know_, okay? But Lucas was at Tric, and he punched Chris, and he was talking, and I slapped him, and-"

"Wait, wait, wait. _You_ slapped Lucas? And he punched Chris?"

There was suddenly a rapid succession of knocking, hard and urgent. Brooke rolled her eyes. "God, I wonder if that's Chris' entourage to bring him his breakfast or something horrific…."

She opened the door, revealing Lucas, wild-eyed and purposeful. "Is Peyton here?"

"Uh…" Brooke threw a look over her shoulder at Peyton, who had stood up and was trying to make a run for it. But Lucas pushed past Brooke and into the living room.

"Chris Keller?"

"What are you doing here?"

"Chris _Keller_?!"

"Stop saying that, you saw me leave with him!"

"Someone say my name?" Chris stepped out of the bedroom, now fully clothed. He smiled, feigning excitement. "Lucas! Great to see you, man, the last time was such a treat for me."

Peyton moaned quietly. "Just get _out_."

"Sure." He walked past them, stopping by the door, Lucas glaring daggers at him. "Anytime you want seconds…and you _will_ want seconds-"

Lucas grabbed Chris by the shoulders and shoved him up against the door. "You listen to me, Keller…you will _stay_ the hell _away_ from her! Or I will personally make damn sure that you are sorry."

Chris left as soon as Lucas released him.

After the door closed behind Chris, a long, heavy silence settled. Peyton finally stepped a little closer to Lucas. "What the _hell_ are you doing?"

Brooke stood up and retreated wordlessly upstairs.

Lucas whirled and retorted sarcastically, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I ruin your chances of a fulfilling, long term relationship with Chris Keller?"

Her voice dangerously low, Peyton shot back, "Lucas, you are _married _and this is none of your business."

"He's a bad guy, Peyton, and you _know_ that! Excuse me for trying to protect you!"

"It is _not _your job to protect me! I don't _want_ that, and I don't _need _it!" She was yelling now. "And why do you even care anymore?!"

"Why do I _care_? Because I'm worried about you! What you're doing, it's not _you_, Peyton!"

"What am I doing exactly?"

His voice low and poisonous, Lucas hissed, "_Sleeping around._ When Chris Keller becomes part of that list, you _know_ you're getting around."

For a moment, the rage coursing through Peyton's body made it impossible for her to form a coherent sentence. When she finally spoke, her words were slow and deliberate, her voice shaking with anger. "No way. You don't get to do that. You of all people do _not_ get to judge me for how I am getting through this. No fucking way. Now get out of my house."

Peyton walked shakily over to the couch, where she sat down and stared straight ahead, jaw clenched.

Lucas remained rooted in place for a minute or so, then he followed Peyton, sitting down in the chair next to the couch and faced her. "I'm sorry."

Peyton continued to straight ahead, and she replied in a flat voice, "I said get out."

"I'm just worried about you, Peyt. I don't want you to get hurt."

The strained concern in his voice, so familiar, made her chest ache. Peyton allowed her eyes to dart over and meet his. "Too late." She whispered.

They were quiet for a moment, and she added quietly, "You can't save me anymore, Lucas."

"Someone's got to."

She closed her eyes. "Not from this."

He nodded slowly and walked to the door. Just before he closed the door, he said awkwardly, "Sorry, again."


	5. PitterPat

**Hey, guys, sorry this update took a little longer…I wanted to edit this chapter a bit before posting, but I had a good bit of work to do that I couldn't put off. Anyway, I'm loving the reviews, keep them coming!**

_Chapter Five_

_Pitter-pat_

_Pain takes my heart's place  
But your sweet, sweet love,  
oh I can taste it but still can't face it  
Pitter pat, the angel on my shoulder  
Is haunting me tonight  
Tick tock the clock is getting louder  
Waiting for me to decide_

_"That_ was intense." Brooke appeared at the bottom of the staircase seconds after Lucas closed the door.

"You were listening?" Peyton asked in a detached voice.

"Obviously." Brooke sat down in the chair Lucas had just vacated. "Way to go, by the way."

"He was right, though. This isn't helping it's just…pathetic." She sighed. "Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm pathetic now."

"Stop it. You _aren't_." Peyton gave her a look. "Okay, maybe just a tiny bit. But you're allowed to be pathetic for awhile; the guy you love just got married. And, for the record, you were right to. Lucas has no right to judge you or get involved…he's just jealous."

Peyton laughed humorlessly. "Why would he be jealous? He's got Lindsey."

Brooke smiled gently. "You still don't get it, do you?"

Peyton looked at her blankly. "Get what?"

"Oh, honey. He still loves you."

"Brooke, this isn't high school, okay? He's married. He said 'I do'. He chose this." She looked away.

"Maybe so., but he kissed _you_ before he proposed. He couldn't take his eyes off _you_ when you walked out the church. And he was hell bent on seeing _you _right after his wedding. And now he's going crazy over guys you're sleeping with? Peyton, sweetie, open your eyes. Luc as Scott is never _not_ going to be in love with Peyton Sawyer…even if neither of them realizes it."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Nathan opened the door and his eyebrows shot up at the sight of his brother. "What happened to you?"

Lucas followed Nathan inside the house. "I didn't really sleep." Nathan threw him a look. "And I drank a bit."

"There ya go." Nathan handed Luke a bottle of water.

"Thanks." Lucas sat down at the bar, Nathan standing up across from him.

Nathan took in his brother's rumpled clothes. "Lindsey let you stay out all night?"

"Lindsey's in New York. So I went to Tric."

"And…?"

Lucas massaged his head with one hand. "I think I kind of called Peyton a whore."

Nathan's mouth fell open. "You did _what_?"

"I know, I know…I didn't say whore or anything, I just accused her of…stooping low and sleeping around."

Nathan shook his head, chuckling. "You're an idiot, you know that?"

"Believe me, I know. But I just…I ran into her last night and just-"

"Wait a second. You went to Tric…_alone_, while your wife is out of town, but you talk like you just coincidentally ran into Peyton? C'mon man. You went there to see her."

Lucas groaned. "Okay, fine, I might've...but that's not the point, man, she was with Chris Keller."

Nathan made a face. "Are you serious? Chris Keller's here? Damn, man. I hate that guy."

"Tell me about it. The thing is…I don't think Peyton was going to do anything with him if I hadn't punched him and made a big thing-"

"Wait, you punched Chris Keller? Nice." Nathan grinned and offered him his hand for a high five, which Lucas just stared at until Nathan lowered it. "Sorry. So you punched Chris. Then what?"

"I said something to Peyton about her stooping that low-"

"Ouch."

"So she slapped me."

"_What_?!"

"Oh, wait, it gets better. So she slapped me and she left with him. I, as you can see, stayed and drank. Then I walked around awhile. Then this morning, I went over to her and Brooke's place and accused Peyton of getting around."

Nathan let out a low whistle. "Damn, Luke."

"So she got pretty pissed off. Rightfully so. So I apologized and said I was just worried about her…"

"What'd she say?"

Lucas sighed. "She said…I can't save her anymore."

Nathan nodded. "I can kind of see her point."

"God, Nate, I don't know what to do…I'm assuming Haley's filled you in on everything."

"Why would you assume that?"

"Full spousal disclosure?"

Nathan smiled. "True."

"I just feel guilty…about Lindsey. But I can't help it. When I think about Peyton with anyone else it just…it makes me sick, you know?"

"I know. I don't know what to tell you, man. Sorry."

"Well you and Haley…_you're_ married, and that hasn't been exactly easy. But you always managed to make it."

Nathan shook his head. "Sorry, Luke, but it's not the same. There hasn't been a moment in our marriage when I wasn't completely in love with Haley. Not when she was on tour, not even when I was in the wheelchair...I was _always_ in love with her. And I definitely was never in love with someone else."

Lucas sighed. "Yeah, I know that. You're not really that helpful."

Nathan smiled. "Sorry, Luke."

LPLPLPLPLP

Brooke came downstairs that night to find Peyton curled up on the couch, headphones in, drawing intently.

Brooke waved a hand in front of her face. "Hey. You going out soon?"

"No. I'm not." She turned back to the drawing. "I'm stopping all that."

Brooke paused, then said, "I won't say I'm not glad to hear it, P.Sawyer, but tell me it wasn't because of what Lucas said?"

Peyton looked up quickly. "No. It's not that. Really. It's just…it wasn't really helping like I thought it would. Plus, something about waking up with Chris Keller…"

Brooke laughed dryly. "Yeah, that'll do it."

Brooke watched her best friend in silence; she got a look at the drawing: it was a three paneled piece; the first showed Peyton, sad and defeated, the words above her reading "You can't save me anymore." The second panel showed Lucas, and Peyton had done an amazing job capturing the soft expression he only used for her. His words read "Someone's got to". The third panel showed a male hand, a wedding ring prominently on his finger. The words underneath it read "Not from this".

Brooke's heart went out to Peyton. After a few minutes, she reached out and gently touched a lock of her hair. "Hey, P.Sawyer." Peyton looked up. "It's going to be okay. Please believe that, okay?"

Peyton's eyes slowly filled with tears, and then she nodded, hugging her best friend. "I want to."

LPLPLPLPLP

He was standing on the side of the road, waiting for her. She was coming, he knew she was. He squinted down the road into the darkness, waiting for the headlights. He couldn't help but smile in anticipation; she was coming.

He saw the headlights coming around the curve, and his pulse quickened. Soon, her car drove into view, and his face broke into a smile. Almost there.

There had been no other cars on the road, he was sure of it. But suddenly there was a truck, and it was slamming into the side of her car, sending it flying off the road. There was the sickening sound of metal hitting metal, the squeal of breaks, and her scream, echoing in his ears in spite of the distance.

A scream tore from his throat, and he began to run. His feet pounded on the pavement, his muscles burning. He had to get to her, he had to save her. But the road in front of him stretched on, and no matter how hard he ran, the distance did not diminish.

"Lucas! Luke, sweetie, wake up! _Luke_!"

Lucas' eyes flew open. His pulse was flying, he was trembling violently, drenched in cold sweat.

Above him, Lindsey was peering down, her eyes wide and concerned. "Lucas, what is it?"

Her arms tried to wrap around him, but he wrenched free. "I'm gonna be sick." He murmured. He threw himself out of bed, and stumbled, weak-kneed, into the bathroom, where he collapsed on the floor, chest heaving.

He heard footsteps behind him, and felt Lindsey's hand on his back. He stiffened at her touch.

"Luke, you're shaking." Lindsey whispered. "Are you sick…?"

He shook his head vehemently. His stomach had settled, but he was still struggling to breathe normally. "Just a bad dream…" he managed to choke out.

"About _what_, sweetie?"

He was still facing away from her, and he rasped out, "I don't…I don't remember." Hot tears filled his eyes and dripped down his face, mingling with the sweat. God, he wished he didn't remember.

LPLPLPLPLP

A few days later, Lindsey and Haley went out for lunch, the first time the two of them had hung out alone since the wedding. There was an unprecedented awkwardness between the two women.

Haley in particular was nervous. Lucas had always confided in her, but lately she was getting a lot of information that even she didn't know how to deal with.

One of Lindsey's initial comments drew panic. "I'm worried about Lucas."

Haley paused. "Um…why?"

"Just these dreams he's been having. Did he tell you?"

Haley tensed a little. "Uh, he mentioned something about waking up in the middle of the night sometimes."

Lindsey shook her head. "It's not just sometimes; it's every night for the last…well, since I got back from New York. He screams in his sleep, and when he wakes up he's always…shaking and breathing hard, sweating. Sometimes I swear he's crying." Lindsey gave a shaky sigh. "He claims he can't remember they're about, and says it's not a big deal but…that's not _normal_, right?"

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas came into Haley's classroom during her planning period the next day. "I had the dream again."

Haley raised an eyebrow at him. "According to Lindsey, it's been every night. You told me it was just twice."

Lucas stared at her. "You talked to _Lindsey_ about this?"

"Of course not. She brought it up at lunch yesterday. She's worried about you." After a pause, Haley added, "And so am I. Why didn't you tell me it was every night?"

Lucas rubbed a hand tiredly on his face. "I don't know. It's embarrassing, I guess…but listen. You know how at first it was just that I couldn't get to the car? That I was running and not getting any closer? Well the past few nights…I've gotten to the car. I mean, I can actually see her inside." He closed his eyes, shuddering. "But I can't get the door open. And it's unlocked, I can see that it is. I try everything, but I just can't get to her…."

Haley looked at her best friend sympathetically. "I'm really sorry, Luke. Is there anything I can do."

"Yes." He stared at her, his voice urgent. "You can try to get Peyton to stop driving her car. Or driving at all."

Haley couldn't help it; she started to laugh.

Lucas clenched his jaw. "Hales, I am _so_ completely serious."

"I know you are. That's why it's funny….hey, come on, don't get mad. It's just…you aren't having some dark premonition, Luke. I'm no Freudian psychologist, but even I can tell you it's not a literal nightmare. These started right after Peyton told you that you can't save her anymore…that you can't keep her from getting hurt. And that _terrifies_ you."

LPLPLPLPLP

"How do I look?"

Peyton leaned in the doorway of Brooke's room. She smiled. "You look great. Loving the dress."

"Think Owen will?"

"Oh, definitely. He definitely doesn't have a chance."

"Oh, I know _that_. It's still nice to hear.

Peyton grinned, amused, as she watched Brooke admire herself in the mirror. Peyton looked her best friend up and down, then cocked an eyebrow and asked, "So new dress, best jewelry…you shave your legs?"

"Might have."

"Ooh, I see. Could tonight be _the_ night?"

Brooke grinned. "If all goes to according to the plan, tonight _will_ be _the _night."

Peyton laughed. "Well, good. I don't think you've had to wait so long for sex since we were what….thirteen?"

Brooke swatted playfully at her. "Very funny." Fluffing her hair, Brooke asked, "So what have you got going on for tonight?"

"Ooh, I got big plans. Probably going to order some food, listen to some music and go to bed early. Might throw a DVD in if I get _really_ crazy."

Brooke turned to look at her. "P. Sawyer, you know I'm glad you've stopped the bar scene, also known as 'The Brooke Davis circa junior year'…"

Peyton smiled appreciatively. "Nice."

"….thank you, but what I'm trying to say is that this is unacceptable, too. We need to get you out there. You are too damn hot and amazing to be wasting away…some guy out there is going to be lucky to have you. Owen has friends. I can set it up."

Peyton forced a smile. "Nah, that's okay. I'm not really looking to date."

Brooke's smile wavered. "You sure? We can even give the Chase thing another try. I can get over my awkward issues."

Peyton shook her head. "It's fine, Brooke. Really. I can't even think about dating right now."

Brooke gave her a small smile. "Okay. But I am so not done bugging you about it."

LPLPLPLPLP

"Hey, Mom."

"Lucas, my boy! How _are_ you?"

Lucas cleared his throat. He was sitting on the bleachers at the river court, on his cell phone. "I'm okay. How about you? And Lilly? Andy?"

"Everyone's great. Lilly wants to come back and see you, though…she's been asking ever since the wedding." Then, in a tone of voice as though she had just remembered, "Oh, how's Lindsey?"

"She's fine." He hesitated, then said, "Listen, Mom…I was really hoping to talk to you about something."

"Well, go ahead, kiddo. I'm all ears, and we're on the boat right now so I have nothing but time. What's on your mind?"

"It's just…" He sighed. "You and Andy. You're happy, aren't you?"

"Yes, we are. Very much so. Why?"

"It's just…you're together. And happy. But he's not…he's not Keith."

There was a long pause, then Karen said slowly and quietly, "No, he isn't. What are you saying, Luke?"

"Well…Keith was the love of your life. You were the ultimate love story, the perfect couple all that. But you still manage…you're able to be happy with someone else. And I just need to know how you do that."

Karen was quiet for a bit. "Luke, what's going on? You and Lindsey having problems?"

"_We_ are not having problems, _I_ am. It's just…it's really complicated…"

"Peyton." It was not a question.

Lucas confirmed it anyway, his voice a mere whisper. "Yes."

Karen sighed heavily. "Sweetie, I don't know how much help I can be…"

"No, yes you can. Because you did it, Mom, you're _doing_ it, and I really wish that I could."

"Lucas," she said gently. "I don't think it's really the same thing. What I had to realize was that…Keith _would_ want me to be happy. I know I would have wanted that for him. But even getting to that point took me a good long time. I had to leave Tree Hill to get away from the memories, to get a fresh start. But, Lucas…you should know…" Her voice caught, and then Karen continued. "...if I had a chance to go back to that time, when we were together and happy…if I could have Keith back, I'd do it in a second."

"I know you would." Luke whispered. He swallowed against a lump forming in his throat, and when he spoke again, his voice was lost and small, as though he was once again a little boy, turning to his mother for every answer he needed. "But, Mom, I can't take this back…I don't want to be that kind of person. And I do love Lindsey, and I _want_ to be married to her. I _want _to be happy, I _want _this to be enough…that has to count for something, right?"

"Lucas, only you can make that kind of decision. You have to do what's best for _you_. But I have faith in you, babe."

"That makes one of us."

LPLPLPLPLP

Peyton had sat in the house for an hour or so after Brooke left when she was seized with the sudden need to be out of the house.

She got in the car and drove, not sure where exactly she was going until she pulled up at the cemetery.

It was dark and quiet as she made her way to the familiar gravestone, settling herself down on the grass in front.

"Hey, Mom. Sorry I haven't been by much lately. I've just been…actually, I've been doing some things I'm not exactly proud of." She closed her eyes and sighed. "I could really use some help, Mom. See I figured I would start feeling a little more normal as I got used to the idea…Lucas being married and all.

"But it's like every day it hurts a little more. And you know what's really sad? I still can't make myself understand that it's _really_ over. Like, forever." A tear escaped and slipped down her cheek. Peyton let it go; she had a feeling more would follow. "I wish you could talk to me, Mom. And I wish you could've met him…maybe I wouldn't feel so crazy getting so pathetic over a guy. Because he's not just any guy, Mom, I swear, he's…he's my Lucas." More tears fell as Peyton amended, "Well, not anymore."

LPLPLPLPLP

He walked into the house a little while later, deep in thought from the conversation with his mother. Lindsey was standing in the kitchen. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Where've you been?"

He knew he was looking for an excuse to get angry at her when this simple question sounded accusatory. Brushing it off, Lucas answered, "River court."

"Oh, alright. Listen, I just got off the phone with my boss, I have to fly to New York again this weekend. More book stuff."

"Already?"

"Yeah, I know, it's like I was just there." She looked up at him. "The commuting is a little tough…I almost think it would be easier if we just lived in the city…"

Something his mother said came back to Lucas.

_I had to leave Tree Hill to get away from the memories, to get a fresh start._

He looked up at Lindsey. "Maybe it would…"

LPLPLPLPLP

The dream changed again that night.

It began the same. He was standing on the road, happy, excited. He was waiting on her.

Then there was the truck. The crash, the shattered glass, the squeal of the brakes, Peyton's scream in his ears. Lucas began to run, his legs heavy, the road long.

But he made it. He got to the car. He could see her inside, her eyes closed, blood trickling down the side of her face. He knew if he could just get her out, everything would be fine….

He struggled with the door. He grabbed a piece of metal lying in the road and slammed it against the window. Nothing worked.

Then finally, he slammed his fist into the window and it shattered. His heart leaped with relief as the glass fell from the window. He could reach in, he could almost touch her…

Then a hand clasped around his arm and pulled him back. He tried to struggle try to jerk away, but somehow this faceless, formless person was too strong, and easily dragged him away.


	6. Polaris

**Hey guys, sorry this update took a little longer…I've been on fall break and kinda busy. Will pick back up again after this chapter…provided you review, of course. : ) **

_Chapter Six_

_Polaris_

_You say that love goes anywhere  
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there  
When you go, I'll let you be  
But you're killing everything in me_

_Jimmy Eat World_

LPLPLPLPLP

"Hello?"

"Hales?"

"Oh, hey, Luke. What's up?"

"Um, nothing really. Just …listen, where are you?"

"I'm in the studio…why?"

Lucas paused. "Is Peyton with you?"

Haley glanced into the sound booth where Peyton was seemingly engrossed in whatever she was doing with the sound board. "She's here, yeah."

"Can you maybe…I need to tell you something. In private."

Haley's eyebrows knit. "Well, go ahead. I won't say anything."

There was hesitation in Lucas' voice. "I just wanted to tell you…Hales, I'm moving to New York."

There was a beat of silence. "You can't be serious."

"Yeah, I am actually. It's just that…Lindsey's job is there, and my job, not the coaching, but the writing…it can be anywhere, and it'll be much easier than her having to commute all the time." Lucas' speech sounded rehearsed.

"Luke, is Lindsey with you?"

"She's in the shower."

"Okay, then why don't you take a second to tell me what this is really about?"

"It really is about the job, we talked about it and decided-"

"Lucas. This is me. You can't lie to me."

Silence reigned between the best friends for a few moments and then Lucas spoke, his voice low and strained. "I can't stay in Tree Hill. I can't be married to Lindsey and still be here, not with…I just _can't_, okay?'

"Do you honestly believe that _moving_ to New York will help?"

"I think it had better." He sighed, frustrated.

From inside the booth, Peyton had glanced up and gave Haley a questioning look. Haley held up one finger to signal for Peyton to wait a second. "Luke, how do you know it won't just get worse? Missing her, the dreams, all of it?"

Lucas sounded helpless. "I don't , okay? I know I don't, but I can't think of anything else to do."

Haley lowered her voice. "Why stay with her, Luke? You're _miserable_. It's not fair to either of you, or to Peyton-"

"I owe it to Lindsey to give this a chance. It's just that I can't do that here, with Peyton here and all the history. I need a fresh start."

Resigned Haley sighed. "When do you leave?"

"Hopefully really soon, but I don't know for sure. Lindsey's already making calls about apartments."

Haley was quiet for a bit, and then she sighed. "God, Luke…we're going to miss you."

"I know, and I'll miss you guys, too. You and Jamie and Nathan and Brooke and the guys and…" He paused. "But we can visit. I just need to do this, Hales."

"If that's what you think…"

"It is." Lucas hesitated. "Can you just do me one favor?"

"What?"

"Can you tell Peyton? About us moving?"

"_What_? No, I will not do your dirty work, Luke, why can't you tell her yourself?"

"Haley, _please_." He lowered his voice. "Hales, if I have to look at her and tell her myself I will _not _be able to go. I'll talk to her before we leave, I'll say goodbye, but I can't…I can't tell her. _Please_?"

Haley made a sound somewhere between a sigh and a groan. "_Fine_. Fine, Lucas, but you _do _have to talk to her."

"I just said I would!"

"Good."

"Okay. Thank you.Look I have to go."

"Okay. Bye, Luke."

"Bye."

Haley hung up her phone and closed her eyes.

"Everything okay?" Peyton had switched the mic on.

"Yeah. Sorry."

"No problem. You ready to lay down the track?"

"Yeah, definitely. Hey, when we're done do you want to get some lunch? I kinda need to…talk to you about something."

Questions all over her face, Peyton nodded . "Sounds good."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Lucas hung up the phone and groaned. It was a coward's move, making Haley tell Peyton. But he meant what he'd said; he was sure if he had to tell her himself, he wouldn't be able to go.

He thought back to the conversation he and Lindsey had had that morning. He had woken up again, in the middle of the night, after the newest version of The Dream, but Lindsey hadn't, surprisingly.

_"Morning, you."_

_He managed a tired smile. "Morning."_

_Lindsey didn't waste time. "Listen, were you serious last night? About moving?"_

_He nodded quickly. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"_

_Lindsey's face split into a wide smile. "Oh, good. Luke, you have no idea how glad I am."_

_"Why's that?"_

_She hesitated, then said frankly, "To be honest…I just can't shake the feeling lately that you're holding things back. Like maybe you aren't happy with this new part of your life …the marriage. Me." She swallowed, then smiled hopefully. "But this will be good. This will be moving forward. I think it's gonna be really good for us."_

_He smiled back, ignoring the twisting of his stomach. "I think so, too." Images flashed in his mind; the dream image of Peyton's car spinning off the road, then the real life image of her leaving Tric with Chris Keller. He added, "Let's get started as soon as possible."_

_Lindsey smiled even wider. "Great! I have some friends I can call, see what they know about apartment openings…."_

He had arrived home from practice that day to find that Lindsey had somehow gotten multiple boxes and had begun packing her things. She'd taken his "as soon as possible" to heart, and was already going on about apartment possibilities she'd heard of.

That was when he'd called Haley. What he'd really been looking for was confirmation that this idea was a good one, that a clean break would be all he needed to be happy with his wife.

The tone of her voice throughout the conversation had not exactly instilled Lucas with confidence in his plan.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"Lucas called today. That was who I was talking to in the booth…"

"Oh." Peyton looked at her, waiting for more. When Haley didn't continue, Peyton prodded, "Was that what you wanted to tell me, or…?"

"Well, no. There's more. Obviously. " She laughed nervously. "It's just he told me…" Haley made herself look up from the table and meet Peyton's gaze. "Lucas and Lindsey are moving to New York, Peyton. Pretty soon it sound likie…"

Peyton's expression didn't betray much of a reaction. "Oh…" She looked away from Haley, appearing to be intently studying a table across from theirs. After a long silence, she finally said, "That's….I guess that's probably for the best, huh?" She looked at Haley imploringly. "I mean, it's…it's good. It's a good thing. Because it's not been easy seeing…having to see them all the time, together…. And it's not like Luke and I are friends anymore…so it's good." Peyton took a sip of her drink, her hands trembling as she gripped the glass.

"So…you're okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm good. This is…this is going to help. I mean it'll be hard. To tell him goodbye, for real, I mean. Because, you know, it's Lucas." Peyton's lips twisted and she stared very hard at her plate for a few seconds. "But, overall…it's good." She forced a laugh. "It's not like we're friends anymore anyway. So it's good. Right?"

Haley held her gaze, concerned. "I guess it could be, in a way. But it's okay that you're going to miss him and-"

Busying herself with the food in front of her, Peyton cut Haley off, speaking in an odd, strangled voice. "I already miss him, though, so it shouldn't really make much of a difference."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Peyton was sitting on the couch in the living room when Brooke walked in. The TV was off, and Peyton wasn't drawing or reading or listening to music or anything else. She was simply sitting, staring straight ahead, her expression tense.

Brooke sat next to her, receiving no acknowledgement. "Um, Peyton?"

"Yes?" Peyton answered in a flat, detached voice.

"What's going on?"

In that same strange voice, Peyton replied, "Lucas and Lindsey are moving to New York."

"_What_?! When did you tell you that?"

"He didn't tell me. Haley told me. She told me today."

"When?"

"At lunch."

Brooke sighed. "Not when did she tell you, when are they moving?"

"Soon, she said." Peyton finally swiveled to face Brooke. Her eyes were bright, but defiant. "It's good. It's a good thing." She stared at Brooke as though daring her to challenge this.

Carefully, Brooke kept her tone mild. "You think?"

Peyton nodded emphatically. "It's going to help." She turned her head, once again staring straight ahead, her jaw set firmly. Brooke had to watch her closely to notice the trembling of her lips and the tears gathering in the corner of her eyes.

Still, after a moment of contemplation, Brooke stood up, saying nothing. If Peyton was trying to convince herself that Lucas moving was a good thing, Brooke couldn't think of a reason not to let her.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

The next few weeks passed by in a blur. Moving plans came together more quickly than Lucas would have imagined, and he dazedly did whatever task Lindsey gave him, trying to ignore a rising panic. An apartment had been rented, they'd decided on keeping his house (the logic being that when Lilly started school his mother might move back), he'd arranged for Skills and Nathan to continue on with the Ravens.

The dreams, meanwhile, had become more vivid. He was growing tired of Lindsey's pressing questions, her clear concern. So he'd begun to sneak out of bed after she was asleep, staying in the guest room. It wasn't much of a problem, considering he always woke up before her anyway for early morning practice.

Lucas had stubbornly managed to convince himself that if he could just get to New York, everything would be okay. The dreams would go away, he would stop thinking of Peyton constantly, he would fall properly in love with his wife, he would be happy. He just had to get there.

On some level, he understood the foolishness of this. But he let himself believe it, because maybe if he did, it would come true.

He called Peyton, once, the week before the move was set. He had planned a speech, to let her know when they were leaving, to tell her that everyone was coming by the house to say goodbye, that he hoped she'd come.

She didn't answer, and he called back twice more before he finally left it all in a voicemail.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"I'm gonna miss you, Luke." Brooke said warmly, hugging him hard.

"I'll miss you, too. But you're in New York a lot, right?"

"Yeah, I'll definitely be looking you up."

Brooke smiled at him, and Lucas returned it. Then he said, "Is Peyton coming?"

Brooke glanced awkwardly at Lindsey, before telling him, "Um, Luke, she's really busy with some stuff at the house."

They were gathered outside Lucas' house; Nathan and Haley (and Jamie) were giving Lucas and Lindsey a ride to the airport, and Brooke, Mouth and Skills had come over to say goodbye. Lucas was leaving his car, which Lindsey insisted he wouldn't need in the city, at his house.

Lucas met Haley's eyes from across the yard. Then he looked from Lindsey to Brooke. "Can you give me a ride to your house, then? I wanted to say goodbye."

Lindsey was quick to protest. "Luke, c'mon we're about to leave…"

"Just pick me up from there. It's on the way."

"_Luke_…"

"Lindsey. Please?"

He could tell from the look on her face that she wasn't happy with it, but she nodded. So Lucas exchanged final goodbyes with the guys and then got in the car with Brooke.

LPLPLPLPLP

Brooke waved him toward the house when they got out of the car, seemingly in no hurry to join him inside.

He stepped inside and spotted her instantly. She was standing in front of the open refrigerator, her back to him, picking out something to eat as though today was nothing special.

As Lucas watched her, he felt an unjustified flash of anger. He was about to move to New York City, a place he was less than fond of, with his new wife, who he couldn't seem love enough, away from his friends, his family, his hometown. And it was all because of her.

"So, what, Peyton, you weren't even going to say goodbye?" He demanded.

Peyton turned, startled. Her initial reaction at his presence was surprise, but slowly her eyes narrowed and her face flushed as she processed his words. "Why should I, Luke? You didn't even bother to tell me yourself you were leaving."

He stepped closer to her. "I called you last week. You didn't answer."

"Yeah_, after_ you knew Haley had already told me!"

"Well, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to. According to you, we aren't even friends now."

She folded her arms and glared at him. "Then why are you here, Lucas?"

"Why am I _here_? Gee, I don't know, Peyton, maybe it's because _I_ didn't want to leave without a word!"

"Why not?!" she shot back, her voice shaking with anger. "You did last time!"

Lucas was momentarily taken aback by the quick retort. Then, recovering, he shook his head. "Yeah, well…I figured you said enough for both of us. Once a girl says no to a proposal-"

"For the last time, Lucas, I _never_ fucking said no! I said _someday_!"

"Well, Lindsey said _yes_! _She_ didn't have to wait, _she_ loves me, and _she_ wanted to get married _right away_!"

Peyton was quiet for a moment, blinking furiously to fight the building tears. "Well, Luke, that's probably because she didn't know you kissed me right before you proposed."

"It was just-"

"Do _not_ say weird timing, Luke, we both know that's bullshit!" She was crying now. "You _kissed_ me right before you proposed, and you gave her _my _ring, and you came to see me during your _wedding reception_, and you punched a guy I was going home with and now…" She had to pause, pressing her right palm to her lips to stifle the sobs. "_Now_ you're moving to New York and come to yell at me for not saying goodbye?! Well, guess what, Lucas? I already had to say goodbye to you, too many times in fact, so forgive me for not wanting to do it again!"

Lucas stood rooted in place, watching Peyton cry, the anger draining out of him as his throat tightened painfully. "Peyton…"

"Why are you even _moving_, anyway?" She burst out. "You hate big cities!"

He instinctively moved closer to her, reaching out to rest his hands on her arms, but she jerked back instantly as though she'd been burned.

It was like it hit him all at once. The fact that he was leaving her. The fact that he'd been lashing out for no reason except that he was angry at himself for screwing everything up. And so, logic leaving him once again, Lucas chose that moment to be honest. "Because I'm married. But…I still love you."

Peyton froze; that had been the last thing she'd expected him to say. Her voice was almost inaudible when she finally spoke, "Then _why _did you marry her?"

Lucas' eyes filled at the raw pain on Peyton's face. "Because…because I did…I _do_ love Lindsey too, and I just couldn't deal with…" He paused, searching for words. "Jesus, Peyton, you broke my heart three years ago and-"

Remembering her long ago conversation with Brooke, just after the wedding, Peyton interjected, "You broke mine, too. You still _are_."

Luke met her eyes sadly, and reached out. His fingers brushed the tears trailing down her cheeks, and this time she let him touch her. His voice was gentle. "I know. And I am so, so sorry for that, Peyt. I really am. But you should know…when I saw you leaving the church during my wedding…I wanted a do over, to take away the 'I do', the proposal, all of it. I just wanted you, I wanted to take all back. But…"

"But you didn't."

"I didn't. I _couldn't_."

Peyton ducked her head. "_Damnit_, Lucas! This is _not _fair to me, none of this has been…"

"I know. "

"You can't just say you love me-"

"I know I shouldn't. But I do. It's just…it's not enough." Peyton's head snapped up so she was staring at him. "That's why I have to go to New York. I have to get away from here, from all this…I have to start over. I have to give this marriage a change. I _have_ to let go."

"And what about me?"

He stared at her silently; he didn't have an answer. Slowly, Peyton's eyes hardened. "You _selfish bastard_!" Without warning, her fist crashed against his rib cage, and then again against his shoulder. Lucas recovered quickly and grabbed her wrists, stopping her from hitting him.

"God, Peyton!"

"Let _go_." She wrenched free from his grasp and shoved past him into the living room. "Just go, Luke, go to New York and _start over_…"

He ran after as she headed up the stairs. "Peyton, come on, don't do this. Don't leave it like this-"

"Go _away_!"

He tried to follow her into her bedroom, but she slammed the door on him after a brief struggle.

Lucas sighed heavily, and pressed his palms against the door, leaning close. "Peyton, please, open up. Peyt, please?"

Inside her room, Peyton sunk to the floor, her back against the door. She drew her knees to her chest, lowered her head, and sobbed.


	7. Bruised

Chapter Seven

_Bruised_

_Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes  
That I am not there, I swear I didn't mean  
For it to feel like this  
Like every inch of me is bruised, bruised  
And don't fly fast. Oh, pilot can you help me?  
Can you make this last? This plane is all I got  
So keep it steady, now  
Cause every inch you see is bruised_

_Jacks Mannequin, Bruised_

Brooke was sitting on the porch in the driveway when Haley and Nathan's car pulled up in the driveway. Within seconds, the back door flew open and Jamie slid out. "Aunt Brooke!"

Brooke grinned. "Hey, buddy!"

Nathan was hot on his son's heels. "Jimmy-Jam, c'mon back in the car, I told you, we're just picking Uncle Lucas up."

Brooke smiled wryly at Nathan. "Actually, I don't know if he's done yet."

Nathan sighed, then turned to the car and waved for Haley and Lindsey to get out. The driver's door immediately opened, but Lindsey seemed to be taking her time.

Nathan and Brooke exchanged knowing looks as Haley and finally Lindsey walked toward them, Lindsey looking none too pleased. "He's had plenty of time by now. We have a flight to catch."

"Don't worry, Linds, we have plenty of time before the flight leaves," Nathan assured her, even though he knew that wasn't truly what concerned her.

For the next few minutes, they sat around awkwardly making small talk, asking Lindsey about their new apartment and other moving details. Finally, though, the adults gave in the Jamie's begging for a game of hide and seek, if only to distract themselves from the elephant in the room.

The adults took turns searching for Jamie, and during her turn, Lindsey was half-heartedly looking for Jamie in the garage (she'd noticed him peeking out from behind Peyton's car).

"Hmmmm, I wonder if he could be in here?" She mused aloud, walking around the front of the car.

Suddenly she stopped moving, staring down at something she had never noticed before.

Comet.

She had a flash of memory from Lucas' first book. The first day he and Peyton had spoken, something he had referred to several times in the novel: her car had broken down.

She was still standing in shock as Haley followed her into the garage. "Hey, Lindsey, did you find him yet? I hope he didn't hide _too _well, or we'll have to leave him here while we go see the planes…" Haley stopped as she took in the look on Lindsey's face. "What's wrong?"

Her voice was faint as she quoted, "The boy saw the comet and suddenly his life had meaning."

"What…" Haley followed Lindsey's gaze to the lettering on Peyton's car and her eyes widened. "Oh, my God…"

Her voice still dazed, Lindsey continued, "It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life. Direction, beauty, meaning. There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him. And his world would be whole again. And his belief in God and love and art would be reawakened in his heart." She looked up at Haley. "The _comet._"

Recovering her shock, Haley tried to protest, "Lindsey, it's just a book-"

"Did you _read_ the book, Haley?"

Haley sighed. The truth was, she had assumed it was about Peyton without even connecting it with her car. Now, it made even more sense. "Yeah. I read the book."

"Boo!" Jamie leaped out from behind the car. "You didn't find me, Mama!"

Haley smiled at her son. "I guess you win, then, huh? Go tell Daddy, maybe he'll play with you again."

Jamie ran off, as Lindsey groaned. "He couldn't think of a thing to write for months, until she came back, and then he comes up with _that_…" She paused. "Oh, God, what are we _doing_?"

LPLPLPLPLP

"Peyton, open the door. Peyton, _please_." He paused, listening, hoping. "Peyton, I am _not _leaving it like this, please open the door. Peyton…." He pressed his forehead against the door, defeated. "_Please_."

The door swung open and Lucas stumbled as he barely remained upright. Peyton's eyes were red and swollen, her face soaked with tears.

"_Stop_." She begged weakly.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, his voice trembling. "God, I'm sorry…" There were tears on his cheeks, and Peyton hated that. So she gave in and, against her better judgment, she wrapped her arms around him, clinging to him.

He hugged back, hard, his face in her hair, breathing in the scent of her. Peyton's tears soaked through his shirt.

_If I say I love you right now would you hold it against me?_

Lucas pulled back, just a little, his eyes boring into hers, and suddenly he moved closer to her, eyes closed. Peyton knew he was moving to kiss her, and she also knew she no longer had the strength the stop him, to pretend she wasn't desperate for it.

But he stopped himself, his lips inches from hers, and they were frozen like that for what seemed like an endless moment, but finally he ducked his head instead, leaning it against her chest.

"Please don't hate me," He begged.

Peyton closed her eyes and held on for another moment. "I kinda wish I could."

He drew back, letting go, and so did she.

They looked at each other for a few seconds, then Peyton said quietly, "Bye, Lucas."

He nodded. "I'll be seein' you." He tried to smile, but it wouldn't hold. Peyton looked away. "Bye, Peyton."

And then he was gone.

LPLPLPLPLP

"Finally." Lindsey said coolly as Lucas exited the house and went to the car.

"Sorry." He muttered.

"Luke, listen…" She paused, looking at her husband. He looked exhausted. His eyes were bloodshot, his voice hoarse.

She didn't understand him.

It clearly pained him to say goodbye to Peyton. Yet he had been the one to mention moving. He had clearly been fighting conflicting feelings, yet he had proposed. He had married her.

It wasn't as though Peyton was not an option for him. She would quite obviously take him back the second he wanted. Yet he chose Lindsey.

It had to mean something, right?

"…let's just go."

LPLPLPLPLP

The faceless form was pulling him back. He thrashed wildly, doing whatever he could to resist the grip. Peyton was so close, and she was hurt. He could save her, he'd broken the window, if only it would let him go…

He was being dragged further from the car, still fighting. Then, suddenly, he wrenched hard and was startled to find himself free of the grip. He began to run again, back to the car. The window had repaired, the doors re-locked, but it didn't matter.

His fist collided with the glass, and he reached in. Lifting her easily, he removed her from the car.

He collapsed on the road, holding her in his arms. He whispered her name, over and over, but her eyes wouldn't open. His fingers fumbled with her wrist, searching for a pulse, a heartbeat.

There was none.

He was too late. Tears dripped down his face; he held her body close, and her name tore from his throat.

When Lucas opened his eyes this time, something was different. He was experiencing his usual reaction of terror: racing heart, cold sweat, trembling body, difficulty breathing. That wasn't different.

But instead of Lindsey bent over him, concerned and pressing him for details, she was sitting up, leaning away from him, and staring at him with something like anger.

"You don't remember what they're about?"

He stared at her. He didn't need this. They had been living in New York for three weeks, and in spite of his hopes, the dreams had not stopped; if anything, they had worsened.

He hated the city. He hated the noise and the traffic, the crowds. He hated Lindsey's super sophisticated intellectual friends. He hated the impersonal feel of the newly decorated apartment.

And most of all, he hated it because it wasn't making him forget her.

Now, Lindsey stared at him, expression cold, waiting for an answer.

"No," he rasped. "I've told you that."

"You yelled her name."

Lucas' insides went cold. Feigning confusion, he stared at his wife. "Whose?"

Lindsey laughed humorlessly. "Whose do you think?"

Not trusting himself to speak, Lucas plastered a confused expression on his face and held it, until Lindsey snapped, "_Peyton_. You yelled 'Peyton'. " She faced him accusingly.

Lucas flopped back into the bed, flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. He was desperately trying to force his mind away from the nightmare, into the here and now, so he could properly participate in a conversation with his wife.

"Lucas. Let's try this again. _What_ have you been dreaming about?!"

"I don't remember!"

"_Try!"_

Lucas closed his eyes. He could still feel the dead weight of Peyton's body, as though he'd really been holding her. "Lindsey, just because I said a name doesn't make me remember any better. I've just…never remembered dreams."

Lindsey finally lowered her voice, suddenly sounding very, very tired. "These aren't just any dreams, Luke. " She paused. She couldn't find a rational way to get angry at him for dreaming of Peyton, for dreaming something horrible and terrifying that he refused to share. They were just dreams, after all. It would be stupid to get upset about a dream, or a book.

The problem was, they were giving her a lot more insight into Lucas than the real-life version of him would.

Lindsey finally spoke quietly, "I think you should see someone."

"No chance."

"This isn't normal, Luke!"

He stared at her, unwavering. "It's going to stop."

LPLPLPLPLP

Peyton felt disoriented.

She had left Los Angeles to come home. It didn't take long, however, for it to become apparent that _home_ was more than a place. More than anything else, home was Lucas, and Tree Hill without him was nothing more than echoes and shadows of what used to be.

She had thought nothing could cut her more deeply than his 'I do', his promise to love, honor and cherish another woman. But somehow she was having even more difficulty absorbing his declaration that loving her was not enough.

When they were together, and Lucas told her he loved her, Peyton had savored it, each and every time. A part of her had still felt like the terrified girl standing in her bedroom, those three words spilling out after being kept inside for too long.

She had believed in their love, and she had trusted it, never questioning or doubting.

Until, somewhere in between being left in a hotel room and watching him get married, Peyton had had to confront the fact that Lucas no longer loved her.

When he first said it, words she'd never thought he'd say to her again, Peyton had thought everything could change.

But he'd said it wasn't enough.

She didn't understand that. Did it mean _she _wasn't enough, that _they _weren't enough? Weren't enough for what? To make him happy? To make him leave Lindsey? To erase the years of heartache?

LPLPLPLPLP

After the night he'd screamed Peyton's name, Lucas began to reuse the strategy he'd discovered during his last few nights in Tree Hill; he snuck out to the guest room every night after Lindsey fell asleep.

For hours he would lay awake, fighting sleep and the inevitable nightmare. He tried imagining the scene himself, tried to picture himself saving Peyton, imagine her being alright. Nothing worked.

Lindsey discovered him a week after he'd begun sleeping in the guest room.

"_What_ are you so afraid of me hearing?!" She demanded as soon as he entered the kitchen that morning.

"God, Linds, it's not that. Paranoid much?"

"Then why sleep in the guest room?"

"Because I'm tired of waking you up! I don't want you to keep talking about some damn therapist…"

Lindsey sighed. "I'm just trying to help you."

"Well, _stop_ it!" He snapped. "I don't need help, not from you and definitely not from some shrink…"

Voice shaking with anger now, Lindsey practically snarled, "Well, why don't you just call your _precious comet_ to come help you? Then maybe you can stop dreaming about her!"

Lucas froze, narrowing his eyes. "What do you mean by that?"

Lindsey stared at him, tears welling in her eyes, her chin trembling. "Like you don't know."

His heart thumping in his ears, Lucas struggled to maintain an expression of confusion. " I don't. What does the book have to do with any of this? Or with Peyton?"

Lindsey's eyes were squeezed shut, but the tears were somehow managing to slip out. Her voice was quiet and shaky when she finally answered, "Her car's a comet, Luke."

"Wh…what?"

"The first day you and Peyton spoke you fixed her car. Her car is a comet." She opened her eyes and stared at him. "The boy saw the comet and suddenly his life had meaning…you couldn't write a thing for months until she came back, and then you came up with that….she's your comet, Luke. And now you're dreaming God knows what about her-"

"Hey, hey, hey." He sat down in the chair next to her at the table, taking her hand. "I honestly don't know what the dreams are about, okay? And as for the book…God, Linds, it's just a story. It wasn't even supposed to be romantic-"

"But it is."

"But I didn't think of it that way. It's just a story." He didn't know where this instinct came from. What was so hard about saying _You're right, it's about Peyton. I still love her_. But these words wouldn't come.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Peyton sat alone in her office, her fingers poised over the keyboard of her laptop. She had a blank email message up on the screen, an email that she honestly knew would probably never be sent.

The cursor blinked at her mockingly. She couldn't figure out how to put into words what she wanted to say to him. The questions, the anger, the pleas…all of it got tangled up somehow.

She typed three words: _I miss you._ They remained for mere moments before she erased them. She typed again _I love you_. They were gone even faster; after all, he had managed to drain meaning from the word 'love'; what did it matter if it _wasn't enough_?

She typed again, quickly: _I can't be here without you._ She stared at them, rereading the sentence again and again until the words lost their meaning. She erased them, then closed the message.

Closing her eyes, Peyton turned the volume on her computer up. She had spent weeks burying herself in music, hoping to be healed. But in every line of loss or heartache, in every chord change that twisted her heart, she heard Lucas.

She opened her desk drawer and pulled out a new blank CD, inserting it into the drive.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

After the first comet fight, Lucas went to the doctor under the pretense of insomnia. The 'light' sleeping pills he was given did nothing to stop the dreams, but he no longer woke up in the middle of the night from them.

Instead, he woke up every morning with the momentary terror of forgetting it was all a dream, and he moved through his days plagued by the memory of the dream or, more often than he wanted to admit, his longing for her.

During one of his first catch up phone calls back, a few weeks after he moved, Haley said, apropos to nothing, "Luke, listen. I saw Peyton the other day-"

He quickly interrupted, "Haley, don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't…I didn't ask about Peyton, okay? I don't need to be updated on her, I don't want to know."

"Fine."

He had felt like an ass, but the truth was that he could tell from Haley's tone that whatever she was going to say about Peyton was not positive; it was probably just going to reinforce the fact that he had broken her heart, and Lucas couldn't hear that.

More than that, he needed to remember his purpose for the move. A clean break. So he went through phone calls willing himself not to ask about Peyton.

The truth was, he could feel every painful minute that had passed since they'd said goodbye.


	8. Where Are You Now?

**A/N: Okay guys, first off I have to say: thank you so much for the reviews. They are awesome writing fuel. Now, I've kind of been dreading this chapter a little, because it sort of moves the story a good bit (which will become apparent very soon). But I do hope you will bear with me, because I think it gets really interesting. In fact, what will most likely end up being chapter ten is the first thing I wrote, the first thing I thought of in this story; I ended up working backwards from it (and then forward again). **

_Light Years Away: Part two_

_Chapter Eight_

_Where Are You Now?_

_This is morning  
That's when I spend the most time  
Thinking 'bout what I've given up  
This is a warning  
When you start the day just to close the curtains  
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up  
Where are you now?  
As I'm swimming through the stereo  
I'm writing you a symphony of sound  
Where are you now?  
As I rearrange the songs again  
This mix could burn a hole in anyone  
But it was you I was thinking of_

_The Mixed Tape, Jack's Mannequin_

**Three Years Later**

Lucas walked into his study to find Lindsey sitting at his desk, staring at his computer screen.

He froze and she fixed him with a cold stare. "So. It appears you _have_ been writing."

He was silent for a moment, before beginning accusingly, "You had no right-"

"It's a pretty good thing, too. I was about a week or so away from calling your _precious comet_ to come to New York and inspire you." Lindsey waved her hand at the screen in front of her. "But it doesn't seem like you needed her presence for her to get into your work…."

"Could you leave her out of it, for once?"

Lindsey ignored him. "No wonder you didn't show this to me."

"Lindsey, I didn't think it was good enough for publishing, I've just been messing around with it-"

Lindsey looked him square in the eye. "Bullshit." She crossed her arms. "It's good and you know it. It's well-written, it's creative, it's smart…it'll make the publishers happy, they've been on my ass for months about you."

She stood up from her desk and headed out of the study, stopping in front of him. "I don't know what to think right now. Relieved that you apparently did _not _kiss Peyton at our wedding rehearsal, or angry that I am _clearly_ the basis for the character you are _not _supposed to be with."

And she pushed past him, calling back, "Sleep in the guest room tonight…pretend you're still having nightmares."

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas Scott had been living in New York City for three years, two months, one week and a couple days, and he felt every miserable minute of it.

On the surface, his life was going fantastic. His second book had been a critical and commercial success, and he and Lindsey and slipped into a sort of intellectual elite crowd of New York. They secured invitations to art openings and cocktail parties.

They kept a full social calendar and, as Lindsey took on more and more clients and Lucas' book sold more and more copies, they had plenty of money. They walked arm and arm into events and Lucas kept close by Lindsey's side during parties (Mostly because he secretly loathed the pretentious conversations with Lindsey's friends), and they were the envy of many of the other couples.

The true nature of their relationship could not have been uglier. Ever since the revelation about the comet, things had moved downhill.

Every fight they had, Lindsey used Peyton, or as she referred to her (usually in a tone of utmost loathing), his "precious comet", as her nuclear option. She threw it in his face at first opportunity, no matter what the subject of the fight.

And there were a lot of fights. It couldn't be helped really. Lucas hated the city, and he missed his friends (especially Peyton), and he somehow couldn't help but resent Lindsey for it. He could not make himself love her the way he should, and on some level she sensed it, so bitterness was ever present.

He and Lindsey had changed, somewhere during the fighting or the parties or the silence. She had become colder, less patient, more easily annoyed. As for Lucas, his current life was slowly beating him down. He had become indifferent, harder. He drank more and smiled less.

The strange thing was, the further apart he and Lindsey grew, the more Lucas pushed away Tree Hill and his friends, as though his marriage could be saved by distance from his former life. He had been back only once, the first Christmas after his move, and he had stayed only briefly.

Since then, Haley, Nathan and Jamie had flown up a few times, and Haley and Brooke came on their own a few times, too. His phone calls to Haley became less frequent and shorter, as he usually spent the duration of the phone call willing himself not to ask about Peyton.

LPLPLPLPLP

For the past year or so, the point of contention between Lucas and Lindsey had been Lucas starting a third book. Lindsey's annoyance went far beyond that of an editor this time, seeing as it had been Peyton's arrival that had shaken him out of his last bout of writer's block.

The truth was, Lucas had been working on a book since moving to New York; he was only stalling in writing an ending. When Lindsey saw him writing for long periods of time, he claimed the delete button.

His new book opened at the main character, Ben's, wedding rehearsal dinner. The end of chapter one ended with Ben leaning in for a kiss with his ex-girlfriend, away from his soon-to-be wife. The rest of the book told, in alternating chapters, the two different directions Ben's life would take if he kissed her or if he didn't. It basically focused on how a single choice could affect a person's life.

Lucas had tried to tell himself that it was just a story, that he had changed details (character names, careers, and the fact that he had nearly kissed Peyton _after_ the wedding rather than before), but he knew enough not to show Lindsey. How he planned on getting around that he wasn't sure, yet he couldn't stop writing it.

LPLPLPLPLP

The disc drive opened and Peyton carefully removed the newly burned CD. She grabbed a sharpie and carefully wrote the date down, then pulled down one of the two large CD cases from the shelf above her desk, sticking the CD into the first available sleeve.

In the summer between eleventh and twelfth grade, Brooke had written letters to Lucas that she had never intended to send. Letters weren't really Peyton's style; she'd never even been able to complete an e-mail. So ever since Lucas had left, she'd been burning mixes, letting music speak for her. Of course, Lucas would never hear the CDs, yet Peyton burned them, usually about one a week. She had filled nearly two large CD cases, nearly two hundred by now.

The first CD in the case was the one that she had written "Songs to Make You Think of Me" on the front, the one Lucas had left in the hotel room six years ago, sending a clear message that the last thing he wanted to do was think of her. It was the only happy CD in the case.

She had that playlist memorized. The opening song was Made For Each Other/You Can Breathe by Jacks Mannequin. The second was Stolen by Dashboard Confessional. Third track For Me This is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World. It went on and on. Now, each of those songs filled her heart with an ache, a longing for the way she had felt making that mix, the _last _time she could remember feeling truly happy.

She exhaled slowly, swiveling her chair slowly in a circle. A couple of her bands would be coming in to the studio soon for recording, and she enjoyed the distraction and the sense of purpose her work provided. Still, she needed the few quiet moments in the morning, as she came to the studio early to mentally prepare herself for another day without him.

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas walked into the kitchen. Lindsey was sitting at the table, hiding behind her newspaper. He grabbed a drink and sat down across from her. Both were quiet for a few minutes, then he said quietly, "It's just a story."

"Heard _that _before." Lindsey said from behind the paper.

"Well, it _was_."

Lindsey finally lowered the paper to look at him. "In the book, "Ben" and his wife live in a city. They have money and they have sophisticated friends, but deep inside he's not happy. Sound familiar?" For a brief moment the icy annoyance in her eyes gave way to a deep hurt. "I guess I should be happy _our _marriage has finally inspired your work, right? Well, half of it. The other half is you playing thewhat if game. Or maybe just fantasizing."

"Look…"

"Did you almost kiss Peyton?"

"Peyton wasn't even at our rehearsal dinner!"

"Well, fine, maybe not then. But you're not completely stupid, maybe you changed a few details. Just like you made "Kate" an artist instead of a record label owner, although it's not like _Peyton _doesn't draw, and you made "Jessica" and "Ben" journalists, instead of an editor and an author." She smiled tightly. "No one could ever make the connection."

Lucas clenched his teeth in frustration. "Okay, first of all, I never kissed Peyton. And second-"

"I didn't ask if you kissed her. I asked if you almost kissed her." Lindsey paused. "According to the book, not kissing her was just enough to send you down the path of marital hell."

After a beat, Lucas decided to ignore this statement. "And second of all, you're the one who's always _accusing me_ of wishing I was with with Peyton instead. Maybe _you_ gave me the idea."

"Then why not show me the book?"

He stared at her, not sure what to say.

Lindsey nodded, unsurprised. "That's what I thought." She stood up. "I'm going into the office to give them the pitch. Lucky for you it's good. They'll be thrilled."

Lucas watched her go, calling just before she walked out, "I…I'm not really sure of the ending."

Lindsey stopped and stared at him, suddenly looking very, very tired. "I know how it ends, Luke. He doesn't kiss her, he goes off with his evil wife who kept him away from his precious comet, or 'Kate' or whatever it is you call her in your next book…and they lived shittily ever after." With that, she slammed the door.

LPLPLPLPLP

"Hey…you heading home?"

Lindsey looked up from her desk. "No. I am not heading home."

Max, another of the editors and one of her friends at work, stepped into her office. "Why, what are you working on?"

"Well. I am editing a book that is half about my shitty marriage, and half about the life my husband wishes he had with his ex."

Max exhaled slowly, sitting down in the chair in front of Lindsey's desk. "Well. Okay." He leaned forward and lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I am starting to sense a pattern, Linds. You…always think Lucas is writing about Peyton. And, you know, I will give you the first book, because, you know…it was actually about Peyton, but is it _possible_, that maybe, just _maybe_, you are so worried about it that you actually _look_ for-"

Lindsey slid the pitch forward. "Read this."

They were quiet for a few moments as Max read the pitch. He looked up at her, his eyes wide. "I take it back."

"Good."

Handing her back the pitch, Max shook his head. "I'm sorry, Linds. Really."

"Thank you. I…I just don't…I just don't know how long we're going to keep pretending. You know?"

LPLPLPLPLP

"Ladies…"

Peyton and Mia, who were chatting in the booth of Peyton's studio, turned in their chairs to see Will, holding out two mocha frappes, their usual order.

Mia sighed happily, taking hers. "Oh, thank God. Will, you're my hero. Once again." She grinned at him; Mia got a kick out of flirting subtly with Will, who _was_ cute, with his curly black hair and green eyes framed by impossibly long, dark lashes.

"Always nice to hear." He smiled at Peyton, handing her the remaining cup. "Here you go."

"Thanks, Will."

He sat down in the remaining chair. "Oh, and let me see that, as always, I applaud your obviously intense work ethic."

They laughed.

"Well, smartass, we worked all morning on Mia's new single, and it is _perfect_, so we are just killing time until the band gets here."

"Spoke?"

"No, they're not til Monday. Today's Chaos Theory."

"Cool." Will glanced at his watch. "Well, gotta go. Break's almost over. Mainly because I spent half of it making your drinks."

"Why didn't you just do that before?" Peyton challenged.

Mia added, "Or just be late. You're the manager."

"Because I actually have paying customers. We can't all lounge around all day and call it work."

Peyton glared at him, mock-angry. "Jealous. It's too bad you're tone deaf."

He sighed heavily. "What could have been, huh?" He smiled. "Seriously, gotta go."

"Bye, Will. And thanks for the drink." Mia called.

"No problem….bye Peyton."

"See ya. And thanks."

Will walked out.

Mia turned to Peyton, her eyes sparkling. "God, he has such a crush on you."

"He does not. Are you ever going to stop with this?"

Mia ignored her. "It's really cute."

"_Stop_ it."

"You should get on that. He's hot."

"No."

"Why not?"

"We're friends. Drop it."

"Oh. Of course."

"_Mia_…"

"Because of Lucas."

"Shut up."

"Poor Will."

"Are you still talking?"

"He'll never measure up."

"You can leave, you know."

"Because you will never move on."

"You're wasting studio time."

"It's sad, really."

"Okay, you're dismissed. Find a new label."

"So very sad."

"I'm calling security."

LPLPLPLPLP

Lindsey got home late that night to find Lucas asleep in the guest room. She went into their bedroom alone, and the next morning when Lucas woke up he had an email with notes on the first chapter.

For the next month they moved around each other like this. Lindsey e-mailed him notes but they never discussed the book openly. They attended a couple parties together, speaking mostly to other people. Lucas slept in the guest room more than in his own room.

He caught her one day when his guilty conscience managed to get through to him for once. He decided to go to Lindsey's office at the end of the day, surprise her with dinner, and try to explain about the book again.

Her secretary was away from her desk and the office door was unlocked. Lindsey was sitting on her desk in her bra, and that guy she was friends with (Matt? Max?) was kissing her, his shirt and tie on the ground next to the desk.

Lindsey turned, and her eyes widened when she saw him. "Lucas."

He stood, frozen in place, staring at them, for a long moment, and then he turned calmly and walked.

Anger choked him as he walked down the streets of New York. All he could think of was how much he had given up because of fucking marriage vows. About how he had hurt Peyton because he was married. About how, deep down, ultimately, he knew it was his fault.

He went into the nearest bar, got drunk, and took a girl back to his and Lindsey's apartment.

**A/N: Sorry for all my rambling, just want to add that I promise the background necessary for following the time jump will come. And don't worry, there will be no quick and easy fixes…that is the one thing that frustrates with the Leyton on the show. Also, chapter nine is probably going to be a little shorter, and it's finished, so I'm hoping to update it very quickly…if you review, of course. : ) Thanks again, guys.**


	9. Come On Get Higher

**Hey guys, thanks so much for the reviews…I'm glad to see people liked the time jump, because I am really excited about the next few chapters and glad you guys are enjoying it. So I lied a little…this chapter is NOT short. It is the usual length. Haha. I still did update it quickly, as promised. Make sure you read chapter eight first, and obviously I'd love reviews for both so I can see how people are liking it. Anyway, hope you guys enjoy this one! Review away!**

_Chapter Nine_

_Come On Get Higher_

_  
I miss the sound of your voice  
The loudest thing in my head  
And I ache to remember  
All the violent, sweet  
Perfect words that you said  
If I could walk on water  
If I could tell you what's next  
I'd make you believe  
I'd make you forget_

_Matt Nathanson_

A week after he caught Lindsey with Max, Lucas woke up in the guest room at 11:30 and promptly kicked out the girl who he'd found the night before. This time, though, when he emerged from the bedroom, Lindsey had not left for work. She was sitting at the kitchen table.

"I saw your friend." She said quietly.

He shrugged.

"Do you really think you're handling this maturely?"

"Don't talk to me about being mature, Lindsey. You cheated on me."

"So did you!"

He glared at her. "Yeah, after I realized you were!"

"I'm not talking about your drunken bimbos, Casanova. I mean Peyton."

At this, Lucas slammed the cabinet door he'd just opened. "I don't think Peyton and I were ever having sex in my office after I was married."

Lindsey sounded on the verge of tears as she retorted, "No, but you were in love with her. That's worse." They looked at each other, then Lindsey sighed. "Look, maybe it's my fault…I saw you, at the wedding, the way you looked away from me to look at her. And I saw how much it tore you apart to say goodbye to her. But I let it all happen, because silly me was in love with you."

He was slowly moving closer to the table, and Lindsey slid the paper in front of her forward. "Divorce papers, Luke. I sort of thought it would be your first reaction, but apparently not."

He sat down in the seat across from hers and mumbled, "Sorry."

"Me, too." Then, she handed him something else. "I got you this."

He stared. "A ticket to Tree Hill."

She looked at him, hard. "I figured it would be the first place you would go."

Lucas had picked the ticket up from the table, turning it over in trembling hands. Peyton. He was going to Peyton.

Lindsey continued, "It's for this Friday. We can meet with the lawyers Thursday and…" Her voice faltered. "…and get this started."

He nodded. "Thank you."

Lindsey closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had been steeling herself for this moment, it seemed for a long time. She managed a weak smile. "Does this change the ending of your book at all?"

She expected to hear yet another insistence that the book was only a story, but instead Lucas murmured, "Maybe…"

The novel had been about how much of your life rode on a single choice. But what if he had been wrong? What if fate stepped in, and eventually you were where you were supposed to be, no matter what mistakes you made?

Luke stared wonderingly at the ticket. He was going to Peyton.

LPLPLPLPLP

It was early afternoon when his plane touched down in Tree Hill. He had been moving mechanically through the past few days, the packing and the formalities, the meeting with the lawyers and the uncomfortable decisions. He couldn't make himself care.

He was going to see Peyton.

He hadn't told Haley or Nathan or anyone about his impending arrival. His mind had been one track ever since Lindsey had handed him the ticket. This was why, at the airport, Lucas rented a car and drove straight to Peyton's studio.

His heart was pounding in his throat, adrenaline pumping as he headed up the stairs, through Tric and into her office.

Lucas froze.

The office was bare. The album covers had been stripped from the wall, the desk cleared off, shelves empty.

Something inside him went cold. Had Peyton given up the label? Had she felt wrong using the office space he'd given her?

He turned and left the building, heading again for his rented car. The closest place was Brooke's store, so he took a chance and parked outside.

To his relief, Brook was not only in town, but she was standing behind the counter when he walked in, listing off something to Millicent; however, when she saw him, she stopped talking to stare. "Luke!"

She barreled toward him, hugging him hard. Smiling, she drew back. "It is _so_ good to see you!"

"Yeah, you, too."

Brooke looked past him out the door. "Is Lindsey with you?"

"Uh, no. She's not. Listen, Brooke, where's Peyton?"

The smile evaporated from Brooke's face, and she stared confusedly at him. "Are you….you're serious?"

Lucas' heart dropped, a feeling of panic setting in. "Yeah. I went by the studio and it's all cleared out."

Brooke exhaled slowly. "I can't believe Haley really didn't tell you."

Frustrated Lucas' voice jumped as he demanded, "Tell me _what_?" Foolishly, his mind jumped the image of her car spinning off the road, the image that still, after all this time, plagued his dreams at least three times a month. But that was ridiculous; he'd have been told something like that. Still, he couldn't stop the urgency in his voice as he repeated, _"Where_ is Peyton, Brooke??"

"She left."

Luke stared at her, uncomprehending. "Left? What do you mean she left? Where…where did she go?"

"She moved. She's still got the label, it's just based somewhere-"

Lucas felt a wave of nausea. She was supposed to be here, she was what he was coming home to.

He started shaking his head. "No. You're lying."

"Why would I lie about that?"

"I don't know! You're pissed that I hurt her? That I never asked about her…don't look at me like that Brooke, she can't be _gone_, I talked Haley like two weeks ago, she would have told me."

Brooke's tone was soothing and practical, a sharp contrast to Lucas' vehement protests. "Luke, Peyton asked us not to tell you until we had to. And _you _never asked."

"Oh, God…" Lucas closed his eyes, suddenly dizzy. All those phone calls. All the excuses he'd found to not visit Tree Hill. "When?"

"Almost two years ago."

His eyes flew open. "Two _years_?! No one told me for…." Suddenly he froze, seized with sudden determination. He had meant to see Peyton. He _was_ going to see her. "Where did she go?" He demanded.

Brooke hesitated. "Lucas, where's Lindsey?"

"In New York. Where's _Peyton_?"

"Are you still married?"

"No. Where the hell is Peyton, Brooke?"

Brooke raised her eyebrows. "Okay, Luke, you need to calm down, okay? Go talk to Haley."

Frustrated, but seeing Brooke would be no help, he agreed. "Fine, I will. I'll go see Haley." He turned to head out of the store.

"Wait, I didn't mean right now, she's teaching!"

"I don't care."

LPLPLPLPLP

Haley James Scott was teaching her final English class of the day when the door to her classroom opened.

"Um…Mrs. Scott?"

She turned, and her eyes widened, the pencil she had been holding tumbling from her grasp. "_Lucas_?!"

Lucas glanced at the group of high schoolers staring at him, and then he said, "Can I speak to you for a moment?"

Recovering from the shock of seeing her best friend, Haley nodded. "Yeah just, um…" She faced her students. "Why don't you guys start working on tonight's discussion questions…I'll be right back."

She followed Lucas out into the hall and instantly hugged him. "Luke, it is so good to see you! What are you doing here? Is Lindsey with you?"

He held up his left hand, now bare. "She is not."

"Oh, wow." Haley seemed a little surprised, but not altogether shocked. She peered up at him. "Should I be sorry…?"

"Yeah, you should. But not for that…how could you not tell me Peyton left?"

Haley's eyebrows shot up at the accusatory tone. "Um, I'm pretty sure I recall you demanding that I _wouldn't _update you on Peyton."

"Haley, you _know_ I would've wanted to know that!"

"Yeah, Luke, I do. But Peyton asked us not to tell you until we absolutely had to. Which we never did, seeing as you never asked and you stopped visiting."

"_Where_ is she?"

Haley sighed. "Lucas…"

"No, damnit, Haley…why will no one tell me? Is she okay?"

"She's fine." Haley answered in a soothing voice.

"Why did she leave?"

Haley gave him a look. "Why do you think?"

His heart clenched, and he closed his eyes, voice soft. "Haley. Please. I have to see her."

"I have to get back in there, Luke, we'll talk about this later-"

"Haley-"

"Go talk to Nathan and Skills, they're in the athletic offices. I'll see you after class, okay?"

LPLPLPLPLP

Nathan and Skills were waiting for him when he got to the office that used to be Whitey's. Nathan grinned. "Luke!"

They slapped hands and hugged, and then he did the same with Skills.

Nathan took a seat behind the desk and Skills and Lucas took the chairs in front. Nathan addressed his brother, "So what's the deal, man, what are you doing here?"

He sighed tiredly, rubbing his hands over his face. "I _was_ here for Peyton, honestly. That was the main point. But Brooke told me she left…" He looked hopefully at Nathan. "Where is she?"

Nathan and Skills looked at each other, and Skills answered, "Sorry, man, Haley already warned us not to say anything."

"She called from her classroom to say you were heading down." Nathan explained.

"_Damn it!_ Why won't anyone tell me?"

"Don't worry, Luke, Haley said she's planning on talking to you. She probably just wants to make sure you want to see Peyton for the right reasons."

"What does that mean? What _wrong _reasons would I have to see her?"

Nathan sighed. "I don't know exactly, Luke, but you have to understand…Peyton didn't want you to know. And she was having a really hard time…"

He winced.

Nathan glanced down at Lucas' bare ring finger. "So you and Lindsey are really done, huh?"

"Yeah. We are."

Nathan smiled wryly. "Is it alright if I'm not surprised?"

Lucas laughed humorlessly. "It would be weird if you were."

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas was outside Haley's classroom as soon as the dismissal bell rang at the end of the day. He waited until the kids had filed out, and then he walked in calmly, purposefully.

"Please tell me where she is."

"What happened with you and Lindsey?"

"_Hales_-"

"Lucas." Her tone was firm and commanding. Groaning, Lucas grabbed a chair and dragged it closer to Haley.

"Fine. You know we've been fighting. You know how I hate it there. You know how I feel about Peyton."3

"Yeah, but Luke, you've been fighting for three years, you've _always_ hated New York, and you were in love with Peyton when you left. Why now?"

He sighed. "Lindsey read my book. The new one."

Haley exhaled slowly. "_Oh_. Wow."

He nodded. Haley was the only one who knew what he had been writing. "Yeah. So she responded by cheating on me."

Haley's mouth literally hung open. "She _what_?"

He waved a hand dismissively. "I caught her in her office with one of the other editors. And I was _pissed_ because…those wedding vows were why I was trying so damn hard with her! That's why I left Peyton. It's why I went to New York."

"I know." Haley said quietly. "I'm sorry, Luke."

"Anyway…I was really pissed, so for a week we just ignored each other, nothing unusual, and then a few days ago she gave me divorce papers." He shrugged. "We met with the lawyers yesterday. It's _over_. And all I could think about was getting here, getting to Peyton…" He leaned forward, his eyes locked with his best friends, begging her. "_Please_, Hales. Please tell me where she is, I _have_ to see her."

Sighing, Haley replied with just as much certainty, "It's not as easy as all that, Lucas. Peyton moved because of you, you get that right?" Lucas was quiet. "I mean…she couldn't even be here anymore. Not without you. It was too hard, everything reminded her of you. Luke, she was a mess the whole first year you were gone. She started going to the bar again for awhile. She lost interest in everything, she cried _all_ the time…"

He closed his eyes, willing these words away. He didn't want to hear about the pain he'd caused Peyton. He opened his mouth to protest, but Haley wasn't having it.

"No way, Lucas, you need to listen to me. I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to understand. Because if you are going to go see her, you better be sure it's not just to hurt her again."

"I wouldn't do that!"

"Really? Because you did an awful lot when she first came back! She told me everything, even the stuff you left out, Luke, and honestly I'm not sure what you were thinking! You were _clearly_ in love with Peyton."

"But I was with Lindsey."

"So why propose? Why marry her?"

"I…I guess I was just in denial."

Haley leaned forward, frustrated. "Were you? Did you really only snap out of that denial in the middle of your wedding? What about when you kissed Peyton? What about the whole time you were writing _The Comet_?"

Silence prevailed for a long moment, and when Lucas spoke, his voice was quiet. "I think…I think maybe, on some level…I was trying to punish her." The words, this harsh, ugly truth turned his stomach with self-revulsion. "I loved her, and she made it clear she loved me…but it was like I didn't feel like I _should _forgive her."

"For the proposal."

"Yeah, which is so…stupid. She was right about that, she never said no, she just said…someday." He moaned, cradling his head in his hands. "Oh, God, she _never said no_. But my pride was too hurt, and I was worried about us already, so I just… gave up." He looked up at Haley, expression tortured. "I was trying to punish her. She didn't deserve that, _I_ deserved that…but by the time I stopped punishing her it was too late, I was in too deep with the wedding…"

Haley nodded, then said gently. "Okay, _that _sounds about right. So why do you want to go see her now?"

"Because I'm in love with her."

"You _always _have been, Luke. But, according to you, that's 'never been enough' before." He winced again. "Yeah, she told me. And I think that killed her more than anything." Tears stung Lucas' eyes as he took in Haley's words. She continued, " But what you need to figure out, Luke, is what's different now? Why is it enough now?"

"I…" Lucas paused, thoughtful. "I never _fought_ for her. Not once. When were juniors, and she got freaked out about us…I let her go, and I just jumped right in with Brooke. I didn't give her time. And after the whole ordeal with Brooke happened, when she said she couldn't be with me…I let her go then, too. I didn't even try to convince her. And I left that hotel room without even really breaking up with her. _I_ gave up on us." He turned pleading eyes on his best friend. "I have to see her, Haley, I have to fight for her. Please tell me."

"She's in Seattle. I'll write down the address."

LPLPLPLPLP

Will was the manager at the coffee shop across the street from Peyton's studio. He was also a grad student the University of Washington, working on some extensive degree in literature. He was a big reader, which was probably why he loved working at the coffee shop, which doubled as a second hand book store.

He and Peyton had become tentative friends two months after she'd come to Seattle, chatting during slow times at the coffee shop. Will clearly had a crush on her, and while Peyton was in no way looking for a boyfriend, she had to admit it was nice to have a friend.

Since then, they'd become fairly close; through him, Peyton had met a group of people to go with to concerts or out for drinks. However, Will was the only one she felt even remotely close to.

The first time he had been to her apartment, about three months into their friendship, he was wondering around the living room and saw one of her copies of _The Comet_ lying on the couch.

"Lucas Scott."

She had whirled around. Her back had been to him, and it seemed as though this comment was apropos to nothing. Her heart was flying until she saw him holding the book. Forcing her voice into a calm nonchalance, she said, "Oh yeah."

"This one's great. It's crazy, y'know, how nuts everyone goes over Nicholas Sparks and his overly sappy love stories…than this guy…he writes about a scientist and a comet and it's the most romantic thing…." He had looked at her, a shy, lopsided smile on his lips. He was being sweet, she knew, but something in his words made her blood run cold.

She shrugged indifferently, handing him a drink and sitting down on her couch, praying that Will would drop the subject.

"C'mon, don't you think it's romantic?"

Peyton pressed her lips tightly together, and then said, "No." Will frowned, taken aback. "I think it's about a guy watching the sky."

"Oh, come _on._ It's so symbolic! The whole thing is about love! He even says it's more than a comet or something like that…"

In a quiet voice, Peyton had simply said, "It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life. Direction, beauty, meaning."

Will had looked impressed. "Exactly, yeah. And then there's another part, when he writes about believing it will be back to him. If you don't think that's about love-"

She quoted again, the words spilling out before she could stop them. "There were many who couldn't understand, and sometimes he walked among them, but even in his darkest hours he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him and his world would be whole again, and his belief in God, in art, in love would be reawakened in his heart."

Will had stared, wide-eyed. "Damn, Peyton, how many times did you read it?"

She had reached forward and pulled the book from his grip. "Let's just drop it, okay?"

The truth was, Haley had told Peyton about _The Comet_ a few months after Lucas left town, during one of her bad days. Peyton had told Haley about Lucas' comment about love not being enough, and in a desperate attempt to make her feel better, Haley had told her about the car, about how the book was obviously about love and longing, about the fact that he only began to write it, after a long bout of writers block, when she came back.

So Peyton had read the book, and she had loved it, but honestly, she couldn't see what difference it made. Comet or no comet, Lucas had gotten married to someone else. He hadn't chosen her. Love or not, she hadn't been enough.

LPLPLPLPLP

Haley went with Lucas to the airport the next day. As he was about to go through security, he turned to her, smiling nervously. "Okay. I don't…I don't know how long I'll be."

Haley smiled at him. "That's okay."

Hesitantly, he asked, "Do you talk to her much?"

"Every once in awhile she'll call. We email a lot, though."

Lucas nodded. "And she's okay?"

"Yeah, Luke, she's alright."

He hesitated again. "And she's not, you know…with someone?"

Haley sighed. "Not that I know of, Luke, but I can't be positive. Listen, you _have_ considered the possibility that this might not be easy, haven't you?"

He nodded vigorously. "I know it won't be easy. I hurt her. I know that. But…I won't give up. This is about fighting for her, right?"

Haley smiled. "Right." She hugged him tightly. "Good luck, Luke."

"Thanks, Hales."

"And welcome back."

"Thanks."

He took a steadying breath and headed onto the plane. The piece of paper with Peyton's address and phone number was folded in his pocket.


	10. Scratch

_A/N: Okay, so I couldn't resist posting this chapter. Because it's a big one. I am looking forward to feedback on it. I'm probably spoiling every one with these super frequent updates…hope you're enjoying it, haha. Anyway, reviews are great!_

_Chapter Ten_

_Scratch_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch  
I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance_

_Scratch, Kendall Payne_

He was outside her building.

He hadn't seen her for three years, hadn't spoken to her, and suddenly he was outside her building.

Lucas' took out the piece of paper for the hundredth time and stared at the address, unable to trust that he was really there.

His feet pounded the stairs (he was certain he would go crazy on an elevator, and anyway, it was only the fourth floor) and suddenly he was outside her door. Another consultation with the paper confirmed this, and suddenly Lucas couldn't breathe.

He knocked, heart pounding painfully in his chest. Each second was excruciatingly long. One second, two seconds, five, ten….She wasn't home. It was Saturday, why would she be?

There were footsteps and Lucas froze. Then the door was opening, and suddenly Peyton was standing in front of him. She was barefoot, wearing jeans and a black tank top.

Peyton gasped. Her body stiffened and her face went pale. For a few moments, she just stared at him, as though she thought he might disappear if she so much as blinked.

Lucas stared right back, reveling in her presence. Still, he was also bracing himself for the thousands of possible reactions that were coming as soon as her shock dissolved.

"Lucas?" Her voice was a whisper, her tone suggesting that she actually needed confirmation that it truly was him.

Lucas nodded. "Yeah. Hi."

"What…? What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you." He took a deep, shaking breath, her beauty staggering him; all at once, he was assaulted by both his happiness at seeing her again and the overwhelming weight of every moment he had been without her for three years.

Peyton was still staring at him with the same sort of intensity, her eyes asking for an explanation.

"Can I…" Lucas shifted awkwardly. "Can I maybe, um…" he gestured awkwardly to the inside of her apartment.

Peyton seemed to snap out of her reverie. "Sorry, yeah…come in." She stepped back to allow him to come in, swallowing hard, struggling to breathe normally. Her eyes were full of questions. He wanted to answer them, he _planned _on answering them, but right now he just needed her in his arms.

He tried to smile at her, but it went limp as a sudden swell of pure emotion choked him. "Peyton," he breathed, the only word he could manage.

"Luke…" She took a small step closer to him, and he could see her eyes shining with unshed tears. This was all the encouragement he needed to close the small gap between them. He folded her into his arms and she melted into his embrace.

Lucas could feel Peyton trembling against him, and he was sure he wasn't exactly steady, either. He had needed so long to be here, and suddenly he had the true sense of coming home.

They stayed locked together for a long time, neither willing to let go. Peyton finally moved her head to rest on his chest, letting out a long, slow sigh. Lucas tentatively pulled back slightly to look at her, but he found he couldn't read her expression. "Was that…was that not okay?"

"No, it's not that…" Peyton looked up at him and said in a weak voice, "Lucas, I don't understand."

"I know…but it's kind of a long story…is this a good time?" He felt stupid for asking. After all, it wasn't as though he'd given her much choice in the matter.

But she was nodding, and motioning him to follow her into the living room. They both sat on the couch, awkwardly turned to face each other. She offered him a hesitant smile, which he returned. However, Peyton's soon faded, and she asked in a small voice, "Where's Lindsey?"

"In New York. We…we're getting a divorce, Peyton." She inhaled sharply, her eyes darting, for the first time, the Lucas' bare left hand.

She pressed her lips tightly together, and suddenly she had to look away from him, blinking hard. Finally, she managed to meet his gaze. "Why?"

He had practiced this. "We were never going to work. I'm an idiot for deluding myself for three years…all we did was fight, or exist in silence. We were never happy, and I thought the move would change that, but it just made it worse… but we deluded ourselves, or at least I did. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out."

Peyton nodded slowly, struggling to process this information. "Wow."

"What about you?" He asked hesitantly. "Moving to Seattle and all…"

"How long have you known?"

He laughed a little. "Since yesterday."

Peyton's eyes widened. "They really kept it quiet for that long?"

"Yeah, they did. I mean, I haven't been to Tree Hill since you left…I guess I was trying to distance myself." She looked away. "Which I guess is what you were doing…?"

"Yeah, something like that," she answered quietly.

"Why?"

Her lips twisted, and she kept her gaze fixedly on the couch, saying, "I thought we were talking about you, Luke. Why are _you_ here?"

He paused, then told her, "Because when Lindsey and I signed the divorce papers she bought me a ticket to Tree Hill. And all I've been able to think about since then was getting home. And that doesn't really mean being in Tree Hill. It just means being with you." Peyton finally looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears yet again. Lucas leaned forward, giving in to his instincts and taking her hand in his. "Because all I have done for three years is think about you and miss you and regret walking away from you."

"Lucas…"

"Because I love you."

Peyton pulled her hand away, and replied in a broken voice, "Luke, it's…good to hear you say, but it doesn't really mean much. You told me that the last time we saw each other, just before you left with your wife, and I'm pretty sure you said it _wasn't enough_." She drew a deep, steadying breath. "This isn't Tree Hill, Luke. I had to leave there to get away from you. You were there even when you weren't, and every day it hurt a little more. I had to move across the country to get away from that."

"I know. And I don't know what I can say for that, Peyton, except that I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am, for _everything_. I treated you poorly, and I led you on, and I hurt you…believe it or not, hurting you is probably something I'll never be able to forgive myself for. So just…please know that I _am_ sorry."

"So is that it? You came to apologize?"

"No. I mean, that was one of the things I wanted to do, but there's so much more…" He closed his eyes, unable to find the words he needed. He had come because he needed her, because he wanted them to be together, because he _knew _they loved each other. But she was correct in pointing that he had once claimed that love wasn't enough. How was he supposed to prove to her that it was?

He blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Did you read the book?"

Peyton nodded. "Yeah. I read it."

She looked at him, challengingly, willing him to admit the truth, out loud.

It was surprisingly easy to say to her. "It was about you."

"Luke-"

"It was. You're the comet, Peyton, and before you…before you I was lost, and when I met you, everything just snapped into focus. And when you were gone before, I was nothing. But you came back to Tree Hill, back to my life, and suddenly I was writing again, and it wasn't even until I was done that I realized I had been writing about us, the same as before."

A few of the tears Peyton had been stubbornly trying to keep back fell, trickling down her cheeks. She let them fall freely as she replied, "And it's a beautiful story, Luke. It's fantastic, and I am so proud of you for writing it but…I'm not sure any of that matters now." These last words hit Lucas like a blow to the chest, but he stayed silent. "Apparently it didn't even matter then, because you _still_ got married and you _still _left."

Lucas felt sick. He knew she was right, and he suddenly felt like a fool for thinking he deserved another chance. In a soft voice, he said, "I know. I didn't do anything right, Peyton."

"Listen, Luke…" There was a weariness to Peyton's voice, and a finality that stirred panic in him.

"No, Peyton, please! I am sorry! Okay? I am so, so sorry for the way things happened, and I know that's not enough, but I don't know what else to do! Tell me what to do, I'll do it! Please?"

"I don't know what you can do, Lucas! You can't change what happened! I still have not been able to understand why things happened the way they did…everything you did, the kiss, the book, the 'I love you'…yet you still got _married_!"

"Okay, Peyton, you want the truth?" His chest was heaving, and he was terrified of what he was about to reveal, but she deserved his honesty. "I'm not proud of it, and I need you to know that _I _know it was stupid but…when I proposed to you, and you didn't say yes…I was just so hurt and disappointed. And I _know_ why you did it, I know you just meant someday, I know that _now_. But at the time all I heard was a no, and I couldn't take it. I missed you so much when you lived in LA and I was scared for us, and maybe that was me being insecure, but that's how I felt. And then I thought you didn't come to the book signing and just…"

He paused, sighing, bracing himself for the next part. "When you came back to Tree Hill…it wasn't that I wasn't glad to see you. It wasn't that I didn't love you, because I did, I never stopped. I just…I was still really hurt. And I guess I just felt like…like I shouldn't forgive you. Almost like I wanted to punish you." Peyton reeled back a little, as it his words carried an actual physical force. "Which was stupid, and you _didn't_ deserve it, and I know that now. But at the time…it was like I didn't want to make it easy."

Peyton was staring down at her lap, and she said nothing in the pause that Lucas left.

Then he continued, "By the time I stopped wanting to punish you, by the time I realized you hadn't really done anything wrong…I thought I was too late. I was too deep into the engagement, and the wedding and I was afraid of what would happen." He leaned closer, waiting until she looked up so he could meet her eyes. "I did everything wrong, Peyton. If I could go back in time, I would change so much, I swear."

She nodded slowly, leaning forward and resting her forehead against his. "I know. I would, too."

"You wouldn't have to." He whispered. He leaned forward, moving his lips toward hers, but she pulled back.

"Luke, don't-"

"My fault," he said hastily. "I shouldn't have...bad judgment. Too soon. I'm sorry."

Peyton wouldn't look at him. "It's just…this is happening really quickly, and it's a lot to take."

"I understand," he assured her quickly.

Peyton paused, then asked hesitantly, "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Why now? I mean, you said you were never happy with her, but it's been three years. What changed?"

"Well, like I said, it's been a long time coming. And I've been working on my new book, and Lindsey could, once again, see through the story and realize it's really about you. So we were fighting about that for about a month. And then I caught her in her office having sex with another of the editors, and a week later we had divorce papers."

The smile that had spread across Peyton's face at the mention of another book dropped instantly with Lucas' last sentence. "Lindsey cheated on you?"

"Yeah. Apparently it had been going on for a month or so. Classy, right?"

"_She_ cheated on you?" Peyton closed her eyes, her chest constricting painfully. "When did you catch her?"

Confused, Lucas stammered, "It was on Monday. Why?"

"Oh, God…" Peyton stood up suddenly. "_Damn_ Lucas."

"_What_?"

"I have to…" Peyton shook her head, scared of how close she was to crying, to breaking down over him yet again. "I'll be back." She stood up quickly, turning her face away.

Bewildered, Lucas watched her hurry out of the living room, and few seconds later he heard the click of a door closing. He waited a few minutes, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.


	11. Globes and Maps

_A/N: Alright, guys, so this chapter is a little shorter. I was going to keep it going, but I really like the way this whole scene works on its own. Also, I have to say, I did not mean for Peyton's reaction to the cheating revelation to be so cryptic. The only reason the whole 'Monday' comment was in there was so Peyton could confirm how recent this revelation had been. Sorry if it was more ambiguous than I meant it to be, but I think it will all become apparent really soon. Anyway, I'd love reviews for this chapter, because I really am pleased with how the conversation went. Let me know what you think!_

_Oh, and I also have to make a quick plug for this song. I was actually planning to use it later on, but I was listening to it the whole time I wrote this chapter (and when I edited it) and I just couldn't separate them after awhile. The song is so heartbreaking and gorgeous, and if you haven't heard it you should. It was the soundtrack for this scene in my head. (And to __**watchxxthexsky**__, Andrew McMahon is absolutely my favorite songwriter ever, as well. I was at a Jack's concert last week and am on a total Andrew kick…)_

_Sorry to ramble. Without further ado…_

_Chapter Eleven_

_I wanna hang onto something  
That won't break away or fall apart  
Like the pieces of my heart  
And globes and maps are all around me now  
I wanna feel you breathe me  
Globes and maps I see surround you here  
Why won't you believe me?  
Globes and maps they charter your way back home  
Do you wanna leave or somethin?_

_Globes and Maps, Something Corporate_

Bewildered, Lucas watched Peyton hurry out of the living room, and few seconds later he heard the click of a door closing. He waited a few minutes, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

Finally, Lucas got to his feet and went in the direction Peyton had gone. He soon found the locked door and, when he pressed his ear against it, he could hear only the occasional muffled sob.

Ignoring a sense of de ja vu, he knocked on the door. "Peyton! What's wrong, what did I say?"

The crying stopped abruptly, and after a moment the door swung open, and Peyton was staring at him with a perfectly calm expression. "It's been really good seeing you, Luke, but I think it's time for you to go…"

"What?! Why? Peyton, please what did I do?"

She clenched her teeth and glared at him. "Just for starters, it may have been a good thing to mention, when I asked you why you and Lindsey got a divorce that it was because _she_ cheated on you."

His mouth hung open. "What difference does it make? We had issues long before that!"

"Lucas, you do _not _get to…_fly _to Seattle, _four days_ after you catch your wife with another guy, and just…try to make everything better because it didn't work with Lindsey…I will _not_ be your second choice, your fucking _rebound_…"

"Wh-what?" Lucas replied weakly. His heart constricted as he realized what she thought. Oh, God, how could he have been so stupid? "Peyton, no, it isn't like that, really-"

Peyton pushed past him, moving toward the front door. "And to think I was actually buying your crap-"

He ran after her, panic choking him. "It wasn't crap, Peyt, listen to me…" In desperation, he reached out and grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn and look at him. "Peyton, Lindsey cheated on me _because _I was in love with you, and I couldn't love her because of that, couldn't even pretend anymore."

"Yeah, but the fact is, Lucas, if that never happened, if it was up to _you_, then you're still in New York, still married, still with _her_."

"_No_, if it was up to me, I would have been back a long time ago!"

"That is such _bullshit_!" The volume of her voice startled both of them, and when she spoke again, it was quieter, each word heavy with anger. "I am so, _so_ sick of you acting like you had no choice. No one made you propose, no one made you say 'I do', and there is no law that says divorce is only possible if infidelity is involved!"

"Damn it, Peyton, haven't I been sitting here for the past half hour talking about the mistakes I've made? I _know_ I had choices, and I know I screwed up."

"But you _didn't_ have some massive epiphany to make you want to fix your mistakes, did you? Your wife cheated on you, and you didn't have a choice!"

"Well, what do you want me to say, Peyton? Yes, Lindsey was the one to cheat, and Lindsey was the one to get the divorce papers. But do you know what she said to me after I caught her? She said I was cheating on her long before she cheated on me…by being in love with you. And she was right."

Peyton stared at him, her eyes swimming with tears. "Well, maybe it's not enough."

The weight of these words, words he had used once, hit him hard enough to cause actual physical pain somewhere between his lungs and his heart. He stepped closer to her, gaze intense. "Peyton. When I said that, I-"

Peyton shook her head vehemently and cut him off. "_Stop._ Just stop it, okay, Luke? You can't just…take things back or say you didn't mean them or make it all go away. It doesn't work like that."

Lucas was running out of words, and that terrified him. He was all about words…he was a writer, for god's sake. But somehow, when it came to Peyton, he had managed to weaken the meaning of even the most important phrases: _I'm sorry_, or even _I love you_.

What was he supposed to do when words failed?

Peyton ducked her head, her arms folded in front of her body as though to protect herself from him. Her voice barely audible, she murmured, "You shouldn't have come here."

His throat tightened. "Peyton…"

Peyton's voice shook as she forced herself to say, "You should go. I…I want you to go."

A muscle was jumping in Lucas' jaw as he struggled with himself. Part of him thought he should listen to her, give her space, not force his way into her life when she was clearly better off. But the other part was screaming at him to fight for her, to do what he never had before.

Finally, he met her eyes, really looking. Evidence of the last few years was obvious in her green eyes; there was an intense, infinite sadness, a lack of hope. It nearly broke him. "Peyt, I came here to fight for you. Of all the mistakes I've made…the biggest is that I never fought for you. I always gave up, I never…" His voice cracked, but after a moment he continued, "So now I just…I'm going to fight for you. For _us_."

Peyton brushed impatiently at the tears rolling down her cheeks and said thickly, "I don't think there's much left worth fighting for."

He shook his head, stubborn. "That's where you're wrong. I'm not going anywhere, Peyton. Not this time."

She looked at him, her eyes suddenly fiery with anger. "Lucas…I wanted you to fight for me _six years_ ago! Or even three years ago, or a million times in between…and you didn't. I _needed_ you to…back then! But not now, not when I'm telling you to go, not when there's nothing you can say-"

He cut her off, saying earnestly, "I know it's late for me to be figuring this out. And I know it hasn't happened under the best circumstances. But if I could, I would change _every_thing I did that hurt you, everything that pushed you away! I would take it all back, I wish I could! Doesn't that count for anything?"

"_No_!" She burst out, her chest heaving. "Don't you get it? You can wish all you want, but it doesn't change it! You can say all these perfect things, but they don't mean anything! You said you loved me, but you said it _wasn't enough_…and God, Luke, I _tortured_ myself over those words for months, and you know what I think? Saying you love me… I don't think you meant it!"

"That's not true!"

Peyton ignored him and kept yelling, her throat raw as the thoughts that had plagued her for years burst forth. "Because if you did, you would _never_ have felt that it wasn't enough! You wouldn't make this so hard! You say you never fought for me, but the truth is you fought _against_ it, every step of the way! I don't think you _ever_ really loved me-"

"_Hey_!" His voice, suddenly dangerously low and filled with fury, stopped Peyton. He stepped closer, his eyes blazing, boring into hers. "Don't you _dare_ say that, don't you ever _think_ it. If you trust me on anything, _ever_, then believe this, Peyton: I have been _so_ fucking in love with you for most of my life that I can't even remember what it felt like not to be. That loving you is the biggest part of me. "

Peyton abruptly turned away from him as silent sobs choked her, bursting from her chest and throat. Her legs were weak and shaking; it was all she could do to remain upright.

Lucas was fighting tears, too. Even as she turned her back to him, he continued to speak, moving close enough so Peyton could feel his breath on her hair, causing every nerve in her body to come alive.

"Maybe I suck at showing it, and maybe I suck at dealing with it. But that doesn't make it less powerful. Because believe me, I have felt it every second that we have been apart." After a long silence, Lucas added, "You know ever since a month or so before I left Tree Hill…I've had these nightmares. It used to be every night, and it's still once every few weeks now.

"It always starts off the same. I'm on this road, waiting for you. And then your car comes around the curve, and you're so close but…then this truck…it comes out of nowhere and plows into your car and it spins off the road. And then I'm trying to get to you, to save you. But I just…I just _can't. _Sometimes I can't get closer to the car, no matter how fast I run. Sometimes I can't get the door open, sometimes something pulls me away. Sometimes I get you out and it's too late." His mouth contorted as he tried to keep his voice steady. "I would wake up, screaming and crying and terrified for you. Haley said it was because I was afraid of not being able to protect you from being hurt, that nothing scares me more…

"You say…you used to say that I was always saving you. But in a way I was saving myself just as much. Because _you_ are my whole heart, Peyton. And for the last few years I've been without it, and I've been a bad guy because of that. I mean, I've been someone I'm really not proud of. And I understand why you can't forgive me. Really, I do. I just…I'll never forgive _myself_ if I don't do everything I can to fix this. I have to _try_."

Lucas swallowed hard. "So I'm not going anywhere. I'm fighting for you. And there _is_ something there worth fighting for. You'll see." He reached out, gently squeezing her shoulder. "Bye, Peyt. I'll be seein' you…soon."

And he turned, his heart pounding, and, for now, made him leave the apartment.

As soon as Peyton heard the click of the door behind him, her knees seemed to give out beneathher and she sunk shakily tothe floor. The sudden silence of the apartment hung heavy around her for several minutes, then suddenly the tears came again, and Peyton missed the moment when the silent tears turn to hard, convulsing sobs that wracked her body and made it difficult to breathe.

She hadn't let herself cry, really cry, for him in nearly a year. She had done far too much of that in the year after his wedding, and then again during her first months in Seattle, when everything felt lonely and she wanted to give up her stupid attempt at finding her own 'fresh start'. But slowly, she'd begun putting her life back together, and she'd tried desperately to numb herself, to stop feeling her still-broken heart.

But he was back, and as always, Lucas Scott changed every thing.

_A/N: Okay, so I'm sorry that was shorter than usual, but like I said, I really liked this conversation to stand on its own. I'm also sorry if I was confusing…maybe people were hoping for a bigger reveal, haha. But I promise you, more is to come. Will, as some of you guessed, was not introduced for no reason._

_I can't promise that the quick updates will continue (I was actually going to hold off on this one a bit, but the last chapter had such great feedback that I wanted to update, as well as clear up the ending scene) for the next couple days. I've got two midterms Friday and a pretty busy weekend, but I will do my best to have something up as soon as possible. I am ahead several chapters, but the next one needs a little fine tuning._

_And of course, some reviews of this one won't hurt. Hope you liked it!_


	12. Heartbeats

_**Sorry for the delay, guys, I had midterms and some other stuff to keep me busy all weekend. Midterms are over for now, thankfully, so hopefully updates will speed up again. Reviews help, of course...I love feedback. : ) Hope you enjoy it.**_

_Chapter Twelve: Heartbeats_

_One night of magic rush  
The start a simple touch  
One night to push and scream  
And then relief_

_Heartbeats, Jose Gonzalez_

"Hello?"

"Luke? Did you get there okay? Have you seen her yet? How did it go?"

Lucas leaned back against his pillows, tiredly rubbing his face. He had found a hotel not too far from Peyton's apartment and had checked in indefinitely.

"Yeah, Hales, I saw her."

Trying to gauge his tone, Haley guess, "So…not good?"

Lucas sighed. "I don't know…it was going okay, I think. At first. I mean, it wasn't easy, but she was listening to me, at least. I told her the truth, about how I'd been trying to punish her and got in too deep, and I think she understood, at least to some extent…" His voice trailed off.

Haley waited a moment before gently prodding, "But?"

"_But _after I mentioned Lindsey cheating on me, she got really upset."

"You didn't make that clear from the beginning?"

"I guess not. I never thought about it, honestly…her thinking she was my second choice. Which is ridiculous."

Haley sighed into the phone. "I was worried that might happen."

Frustrated, Lucas muttered, "Couldn't have warned me?"

"Don't make this my fault, Lucas," Haley told him patiently. "So was that it? She threw you out?"

"No. She tried, but I stayed. We fought a little, and I told her that I loved her the whole time, that that was _why_ Lindsey cheated…and finally I told her I was going to fight for her, and that I'd see her soon. Then I left."

"Wow." Haley exhaled slowly. "So what are you going to do?"

This had been the question Lucas had been turning over and over in his mind. "I don't now, Hales…God, I _always_ knew what to do for Peyton, I could always just _feel_ it. But right now, I Just don't….you should have seen the way she looked at me, Hales. Like she'd given up hoping that I would come through."

Haley paused, choosing her words carefully. "Luke, I know you want to fight for Peyton, and that's great…but you have to give her some time, okay? It's going to take more than the dramatic gesture of you showing up to erase everything that happened, okay?"

"Yeah, I know…I just wish I knew what it _is_ going to take."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

"Hello?"

"Peyt?"

"Oh, hey, Will." Peyton had moved from the floor her apartment foyer and was curled up on the couch. Her voice hurt from the yelling and subsequent crying spell, and it came out hoarse and shaky.

"I was just making sure we were still on for tonight?"

Peyton closed her eyes and groaned inwardly. "God, Will, I'm sorry I completely forgot…"

She could hear the concern slip into his voice. "No problem. Is everything okay, Peyton?"

She rubbed her fingers at the few stray tears lingering on her cheeks, as though she was afraid they were visible. "Yeah, everything's fine, I'm just…not feeling that great…"

"Don't worry about it, that's fine. You should rest…do you need anything?"

"No," she answered quickly. "Thanks, though."

"Okay. Call me if you do. Feel better."

"Thanks."

She hung up the phone, feeling guilty for lying. The truth was, she couldn't deal with much of anything tonight. In fact, Peyton thought she may need another couple weeks just to deal with _seeing _Lucas again, let alone process the conversation they'd had.

LPLPLPLPLPLP

When she went into the studio the next day, there was a flower delivery for her at about 10:30. The bouquet was full of light purple flowers that looked like small lilies, and the card read: _I'm sorry. How about lunch, 12:30? Lawson Café? ~Lucas. _

Lawson Café was a place on the same street as her studio, so obviously he had gotten that address, too, and scoped out the street.

Peyton was staring at the flowers when Mia came into the booth and immediately said, half-teasingly, "Ooh, someone got _flowers_. Something you want to tell me?"

Hastily shoving the card into her pocket, Peyton rolled her eyes. "No."

Mia began examining the bouquet, presumably for a card. "From Will?"

"No."

"Then who?"

"Just – no one. Let's drop it."

Mia, clearly, had no intention of doing that. "They're pretty. Seriously, Peyton, who sent them?"

"Seriously, Mia, no one."

Peyton eventually forced Mia to drop the subject, and she ignored the lunch invitation, stubbornly trying to pretend that Lucas' arrival and presence in Seattle hadn't already turned her world on end.

For the next four days, the same bouquet of flowers arrived, with the same invitation to lunch. The third time, Peyton finally told Mia who they were from, giving her a quick rundown of their first conversation.

The fifth time it happened, the note was slightly different. It said: _Lunch, 12:30? Please? I can wait forever if I have to. Love, Lucas._

Something about the last sentence brought tears to her eyes, and Peyton closed her eyes, a shaky sigh escaping her lips.

She was hopeless in escaping this. For the past few days, she had desperately tried not to obsess over their conversation, tried to forget how close he was, all to no effect.

It was driving her crazy, and these daily reminders of his closeness weren't helping. She didn't have anyone scheduled for studio time until around three, so at 12:27 exactly, she turned to Mia and said casually, "I'm going to go. Grab some lunch."

Mia's eyebrows shot up. "You're meeting him? Really?"

Peyton nodded. "Yeah, I am. I have to…I have to make him stop all this." The last sentence lacked any sort of conviction, and neither Mia nor Peyton herself were convinced.

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas sat at his usual booth, in the corner, facing the door. This was the fifth day he had come into the small café and seated himself at the booth. He usually arrived at 12:10, just in case, ordered at 12:45, and stubbornly refused to leave until after 1:30.

It had taken all he had in him to limit himself to just this daily gesture, a gesture that, as of yet, had granted him no interaction with Peyton at all. But he knew that Haley had been right, and he had to give Peyton the space and time she needed. This way, he reminded her that he was there, and that he was serious about not giving up, but he was still allowing it to be on her terms.

Lucas had located her studio the morning after their reunion, forced himself not to go in, and instead headed to the florist.

Today was no different than any of his previous days of waiting in the café. His head snapped up hopefully every time the faint jingle sound indicated the door was being opened, but was always disappointed when it wasn't Peyton coming in.

Then, suddenly, Peyton slipped into the café, just behind an elderly couple Lucas had seen a couple of other days here. Lucas sat up straighter, his heart skittering as soon as he saw her. She looked tentative, her eyes hesitantly scanning the café.

"Peyton!" He couldn't help himself from calling to her. She met his eyes, unsmiling, and moved toward the booth. Lucas couldn't stop the smile stretching his face as relief coursed through him. "You came."

"Yeah…" She was hovering awkwardly by the booth, looking down at him.

"You want to sit?"

"I-I don't know."

There was a beat of silence, and then Lucas said, "That's okay, um…" He paused, the conversation starters he had practiced in the hours he'd spent waiting for her for four days had left him. Finally, he asked stupidly, "So you got the flowers?"

"Yeah."

"They're hyacinths."

After a pause, Peyton nodded a little, the look on her face clearly incredulous that he was actually talking about flowers.

"Purple hyacinths. They're supposed…they mean 'I'm sorry'. They're like the apology flower."

Peyton smirked, just a little. "Did the florist tell you that?"

He grinned. "Well, yeah. I asked what flowers were best for apologies, and she told me that's what those symbolize."

The tiny semblance of a smile faded from Peyton's face and her eyebrows knit together. "Which thing were the flowers apologizing for?"

Lucas' smile dropped, too, and he met her eyes, his expression serious. "No specific thing, really. Just all of it. I figured 'I'm sorry' pretty much sums up my position at the moment."

Peyton pulled her gaze from his. "Yeah."

Leaning forward, Lucas began earnestly, "Listen, Peyt, I know I gave you the wrong idea the other day. I should have told you about Lindsey and the cheating up front, but I swear it doesn't mean-"

"Luke, I _really_ don't think I want to go over it all again. Not now."

Luke nodded, forcing himself to swallow the speech that had been about to spill out. "Okay. That's okay. Just have lunch with me, and we can just…catch up."

Peyton seemed to hesitate, "I don't know, Luke…"

"C'mon, Peyton. No pressure, I promise. I want to hear about the label and the new bands and everything." Her green eyes moved from Lucas to the door of the café and back again, and he nervously added, "Peyt. Please?"

After what seemed like an agonizingly long moment, Peyton nodded and settled herself into the other side of the booth. "_Just_ catching up," she clarified firmly.

Lucas relaxed visibly, and he smiled at her. "Just catching up."

So for the next hour and a half, they talked. They pointedly stayed clear of anything heavy and emotional, therefore focusing mainly on Peyton's work.

After awhile, Peyton let herself relax, excitedly telling him about concerts she'd been to or bands she'd discovered, and several times Lucas caught himself smiling unconsciously; he loved the way talking about music still seemed to animate her, loved knowing that spark was still there.

She caught a glimpse of her watch at one point, and said suddenly, "Listen, I should probably…head back to the studio. I've got bands coming in, so…" Her voice trailed off awkwardly.

"Oh, sure. Um…lunch is on me."

Protesting quickly, Peyton said, "You really don't have to."

"I know. But…I invited you, right? Several times, actually." He gave her a small smile, getting out his wallet.

Watching him, Peyton felt a sudden stab of longing. God, she wanted this back. The ease and comfort she had felt in simple moments with him. But sadly, ease had always been an illusion with them.

Lucas looked up and met her eyes, his voice quiet, "Peyt, I'm really glad you came."

"Me, too," she whispered sincerely.

"Maybe we could…do this again sometime?"

Peyton nodded slowly. "Yeah, okay. Sometime."

"Like tomorrow?" he asked hopefully.

"How about the day after?"

Lucas smiled. "Sounds great. Same time?"

"Yeah. How about trying the Italian place across the street? It's good." She paused, smiling. teasingly. "And I bet you're a little sick of this place by now."

Lucas' smile was warm and genuine. "It was worth it." Peyton's breath caught in her throat as Lucas helped her into her jacket, pausing when his mouth was inches from her ear to say, "I'm really proud of you, with the label and everything. I always knew you could do this."

Shivering, Peyton pushed her arm into the sleeve of her jacket and turned to look at him. "Thank you…I guess I'll see you the day after tomorrow."

"Can't wait."

LPLPLPLPLP

For the next week and half, Lucas and Peyton had several long meals together, tentatively reconnecting.

They still stayed clear of the heaviest issues that had been addressed Lucas' first night in Seattle, such as anything to do with the events preceding his move to New York and certainly not anything to do with Lindsey's cheating (not that Peyton had forgotten this admission).

However, the conversations had slowly begun to be more intimate. Lucas talked about _The Comet_, the strain its true meaning had put on his relationship, and he talked about his hatred for the city and the society he and Lindsey had found himself in. He told her about trying as hard as possible to limit his ties to Tree Hill in an effort to stop feeling her absence.

It took Peyton a little longer, but slowly she began to open up to him, too. She talked about how much she'd missed him and the memories that haunted her, and about how she'd made the long and difficult decision to leave Tree Hill. She told him about the first few months in Seattle, how scared and alone she had felt.

She was still wary, Lucas could tell. As soon as he brought up any hint about the future, or another attempt to apologize, Peyton clammed up. And though they had several lunches and dinners, that was the extent of it. She always seemed determined to make plans sound casual, and at the end of every night, Peyton seemed to force herself to keep a safe distance between them.

Lucas didn't blame her, and he didn't let himself mind much…baby steps. He was in this for the long haul, and he would wait as long as he had to.

Meanwhile, he spent his days editing the new book. Lindsey had sent him a short e-mail informing him that he was being reassigned, and Lucas could read between the lines enough to understand she couldn't edit a book that was essentially about his own wish for a better life.

LPLPLPLPLP

There was the crash of metal against metal, squealing of brakes, Peyton's scream. Her car spun off the road, tilted on its side, and Lucas began to run toward her.

He repeated her name over and over under his breath, a quiet plea, even as he sprinted toward the wreckage.

He wasted no time. His knuckles collided with glass; the window remained intact. Lucas pulled back and punched again, cracking the window. One final blow to the glass and the window shattered.

Lucas lifted her in his arms, her head resting on his shoulder. He stumbled a few feet away from the car, kneeling in wet grass on the side of the road. It was raining, suddenly, and he was getting soaked..

"Peyton? Peyton, open your eyes. Open your eyes, Peyt, c'mon…"

There were sirens in the distance.

"Just hang on for me, baby, okay? Just a little longer…."

His fingers, trembling, grasped Peyton's wrist, searching for a pulse.

He could still hear the sirens, but they weren't getting any louder. Desperately, Lucas pressed his palm to her chest, right next to her heart, waiting.

Nothing.

It was impossible. If Peyton's heart stopped, then his was gone. It was simple as that.

He searched again, waiting for a heartbeat. "Peyton, please. Please, Peyton, baby, please just open your eyes…."

She was slipping from his grip, her body crumbling limply onto the wet grass.

Lucas' legs gave out beneath him, and he knelt helplessly in the wet grass, screaming her name until his throat was raw…still, she didn't wake up.

Suddenly, he caught a glimpse down the road. The truck, _the _truck was pulled onto the side of the road, it's headlights on, just parked there.

Lucas got to his feet and began to run again, back toward the truck, toward the jackass who did this to her. His lungs, his heart, every piece of him was crying out for revenge.

He hauled open the door to the truck, and hauled the driver onto the road; he landed on his back, and Lucas roughly rolled him over, his fists already clenched.

His own face stared back up at him, wide-eyed and pale.

"_NOOO!_"

Lucas woke up in bed, trembling, his throat raw from screaming, his face already wet with tears and sweat. A sudden bitter, acidic taste of bile rose in the back of his throat, and he rolled quickly out of bed, stumbled into the bathroom and vomited.

Moments later, he lay crouched on the floor of the hotel bathroom, his shaking hands gripping cool porcelain.

It had always seemed very real, but never quite like this.

He wanted to see her. He _needed_ to see her, and as soon as the urge filled him, Lucas latched onto it. She was here, a few blocks away, and he needed to see her, to remind himself that she was okay.

He pulled on sweatpants and a coat over his T-shirt and boxers, than rushed downstairs, ignoring the stares of the bewildered night staff in the lobby, heading out to the parking lot where his rented car was still parked.

It was one of those drives where Lucas had no idea how he had managed to get from one point to the other. It was a wonder he didn't wreck the car. But he had chosen his hotel solely for its closeness to Peyton's apartment, and he was there within five minutes, forgetting that it was three in the morning, pounding on her door.

After a minute or so, Peyton opened the door, bleary-eyed and annoyed. "My _God_, Lucas, what the hell-" Her annoyance evaporated the minute she got a close look at him, pale and shaky, his face tear-streaked. "Oh, God, Luke, what happened? What's wrong?"

He was staring at her intensely, as though he couldn't quite believe she was real. His throat was too tight for him to speak, so he just shook his head a little. Peyton seized his wrist, her brow furrowed in concern. "C'mere…"

She pulled him into the living room, and they sat on the couch together. Her voice was gentle, the closet she had been to sounding normal with him since he'd returned. "Luke, what happened?"

After a few seconds, he managed to answer her question, "N-Nothing. I just…I had the nightmare again…" Peyton's expression was momentarily confused, then comprehension dawned as she recalled him mentioning it. His voice cracked. "It was bad, Peyt, it was really bad…and I just…I had to see you, to make sure…" His face slowly crumpled, and he dropped his head into hands as he began to sob. "God, I'm so sorry…"

Peyton wrapped her arms around his shuddering body, pulling him close. "Sssh." She whispered tenderly. "I'm here."

After a moment, Lucas shifted so they were holding each other, entangled. Peyton's fingertips continuously stroked his back or his hair soothingly, but he took the most comfort in the fact that he was pressed close enough to feel her heart beating.

They stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, and Lucas had long since stopped crying before he finally drew back to look at her. "I'm sorry for being like this."

She leaned close, resting her forehead against his. "Don't be sorry." Her green eyes were open and gentle and loving, and he realized this was the first time he'd seen her let her guard down since he'd been there. Her fingertips gently pressed to his face. "Everything's okay, Luke. I promise."

He swallowed hard, and his next words were barely more than a breath, "Thank you."

Peyton stood up, then said tentatively, "Why don't you stay in the guest room for the rest of the night? Sleep in a little."

"You sure? I mean, I can go I'd understand…"

"No. I want to make sure you're alright."

. Just to fill the silence, he murmured, "The couch is fine…"

"Don't be stupid, Luke, there's an empty bed." She turned to point down the hallway of her apartment. "It's that last door on the left." Impulsively, and much to his surprise, she leaned down and hugged him, "You gonna be okay?"

He drew back and looked at her. She was all concern and worry right now, none of the hurt or anger or fear showing through. All of that had been pushed aside because she could see he was hurting. God, he loved her so much at that moment that it physically hurt. "Yeah. I'm gonna be okay."


	13. Without

**Thanks for the reviews, guys…keep it up!**

_Chapter Thirteen_

_Without_

_I wish that we could begin from the start  
I pray that I could be brave enough  
To show you how easily I fall apart  
I can't let you know  
That I can't let it show  
'Cause I'd rather be without than be without you_

_Without, Jack Savoretti_

Lucas' eye opened and he blinked against the sudden light. He felt the momentarily disorientation that came from waking up to an unfamiliar ceiling, and then his mind cleared and last night came back to him.

He sat up slowly, eyes darting around Peyton's apartment. She was sitting at a barstool in the kitchen, reading a magazine and eating something. She didn't seem to notice he was awake, so he watched her for a few moments. The memories of the night before, both his nightmare and the real life events, seemed to blur together.

Peyton looked up at him over the magazine. "Oh, hey. You're awake."

"Yeah…" He stretched, his body stiff from sleeping on the couch. "What time is it?"

"A little after twelve." She grinned teasingly at him. "I was starting to think you'd gone all comatose on me." She walked toward him, holding a plate. "Grilled cheese?"

Lucas took the plate gratefully, feeling stupidly warm and fuzzy at the gesture.

Peyton watched him for a bit, a faint concern still lingering in her eyes. After awhile, she said tentatively, "You're okay, right?"

Lucas nodded, and said in what he hoped what a dismissive tone, "Yeah, I'm fine." He was beginning to feel slightly embarrassed for barging in like a crazy person in the middle of the night, ashamed that she'd had to take care of him when it was _him_ who had been trying so hard to be there for her. "I'm sorry for all this, Peyton-"

She cut him off. "Stop. _This_ you don't have to apologize for."

He winced at the hidden subtext of her sentence. "Ouch."

Peyton's face reddened, and she looked away. Lucas' heart sank; he could sense the distance returning, just in that one little moment. Anxious to change the subject, he asked, "You didn't have to work today?"

"Nah, I have one of the bands coming in but the producer can handle it. You forget I am _the_ big boss."

"_Ah_." He grinned. "So you think you're pretty important?"

"Oh, I _know_ I am."

He chuckled, and then silence fell. After a moment, he cleared his throat and said seriously, "Peyton I really…appreciate everything last night. You always…" He gave her a small smile. "You always know how to heal me."

Peyton ducked her head. "What, um…what was it like?" She looked up again. "The dream."

He sighed slowly, closing his eyes as he recalled the nightmare, "Well, the truck...it's always the same truck, it hit your car, like always. And I got to you, and I got you out but. …I couldn't save you, Peyt. I couldn't find a pulse, and the sirens weren't getting closer…"

Sensing his genuine guilt and fear over this nightmare, Peyton impulsively reached out to press her hand over his. "It wasn't real," she reminded him gently.

His eyes were squeezed shut, his expression anguished. "And then I saw the truck…..so I started running at it. I wanted to get the guy who did it." He dropped his head, the next words catching in his throat.

Peyton's hand, still resting on top of his own, squeezed quickly. "Luke. If you don't want to you don't have to tell me."

He slowly looked up, his eyes finding hers, expression pained. "It was me."

Peyton's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "What was?"

"In…in the truck."

"Oh, Lucas…hey, it was only a dream."

He shook his head. "I know, but…we both know what that means, don't we? Haley said that…earlier, when it was all about how I couldn't get to you…she said it was because I was terrified that I couldn't protect you from getting hurt and…and now…"

"It means you're the one hurting me." Peyton said quietly.

He nodded.

Heavy silence settled, and finally Peyton broke it by saying in a small voice, "It's okay."

Shaking his head vehemently, Lucas replied, "No, it isn't. Because I used to be the guy you could always count on, the guy who saved you…except when _I'm_ the one hurting you. And I don't know how to fix it. I really don't. I've been trying to be better, lately, and do the right thing for you, I really have tried-"

"I _know_ that." She assured him quietly. "I really do. And, Luke, I also know you never intentionally hurt me. Yes, you made mistakes, and yes, you made some bad decisions. But I know you never did it to hurt me. You're a better guy than that."

He laughed humorlessly. "I'm not so sure."

"Well, I am." She tried to smile, but there was sadness there. "Lucas Scott, there are times when I think you are a _colossal idiot_. But what you never are is a bad guy. I've _never _thought that."

"Thanks." He managed a small smile. Their gazes locked for a long moment, and for a moment it was difficult to breathe.

It was Peyton who looked away, swallowing hard, and suddenly moved her hand off of his, standing up to take the plates into the kitchen.

Lucas drew a deep shaky breath, and in said suddenly, a catch in his voice, "Peyton?"

She answered without turning around, "Yeah?"

Lucas waited until she'd walked back into the living room and looked at him. Then, he blurted, "I really, really love you, Peyton. And I…I _have_ to be with you."

Peyton's chest constricted painfully and she looked down. "Luke."

He had broken an unspoken rule that had defined their conversations for the past two weeks; he was getting in too deep, rushing things again. He hadn't tried any of the grand romantic statements in awhile, but after last night and then this morning, he couldn't keep the words in any longer.

Peyton kept her eyes on the floor and said, "It's not _about_ me being angry at you, or trying to _punish you_…" There was an unconscious bitterness injected into these last two words, and Lucas winced as he remembered his earlier admission that he'd been trying to punish her. "I know that I've stayed distant. I know we haven't talked about...being together, or _trying _to be together…but it's not because I'm angry at you."

"Is it the Lindsey thing still? That she cheated on me?"

Helpless, Peyton shrugged, "Yeah, that's a big part of it. And there's still the whole 'it's not enough' scenario."

Lucas stood, stepping closer. "You said you didn't want to talk about that yet. But if you do, I can explain, I can tell you everything."

"You already tried to explain, Luke, the first day you were here! An explanation…well, I can't think of one that would make a difference."

Desperate, he said, "If you would just let me-"

Abruptly, Peyton turned and headed for her coat. Her heart was thumping; she had to get out. "Lucas, I'm going to stop by the studio to make sure everything's going okay…"

"Peyt, please, just let me talk-"

She ignored him. "Take your time getting ready, okay? No rush to leave."

"Peyton!"

The door closed behind her, leaving Lucas standing alone in her living room.

LPLPLPLPLP

"Tell me what to do!"

"Okay, calm down, . Deep breaths. What happened now?"

Peyton was in the back part of her studio, alone in her office, pacing back and forth with the phone pressed to her ear. Sighing, she gave Brooke a quick rundown of the latest events, from his showing up in the middle of the night to her bolt from the apartment.

Finishing up, she repeated herself, "…and _now_ I need you to tell me what to do. Because I'm panicking here."

"Yeah, I can tell. Now. You know I have been all for the whole 'baby steps, take it slow' method for Lucas. But can you honestly tell me it hasn't all been just a build up to you guys getting back together?"

Peyton hesitated only a moment before saying, "Yeah, I can. I just…I don't know if I can do it again, Brooke."

Brooke was quiet for a beat, and then she said gently, "I don't know if you can _not_ do it, honey. I know you've been doing better since you moved out there, but Peyton, let's face it: these past few years have just been a limbo. You've been nursing a broken heart, you can't move on…on some level, haven't you been _waiting _for this?"

"_No_! I haven't, because I honestly thought it was over. He was married, and he chose her."

"But now he's there. And he's single, and he's trying. Look, Peyton, I definitely do _not_ blame you. He hurt you, and he made a lot of bad decisions. He sure as hell doesn't _deserve_ anything. But, Peyt…you said you aren't angry at him. That you aren't trying to punish him….so what's holding you back now?"

Peyton closed her eyes as a few of the tears that had been clouding her vision since she'd left the apartment finally began to trickle down her cheeks. "Because I am _so damn scared_, Brooke! Ever since he came here, I am _this_ close to falling apart all over again, and I still haven't fully recovered from the last time."

"I know."

Her voice broke as Peyton continued, "I _can't _go through that all again, and I still can't get it out of my head that he said it _wasn't enough_! Or the tiny little detail that he wouldn't even be here now if Lindsey hadn't cheated on him!"

"Peyton, honey, come on…don't cry. Listen to me. It _sucks_ that it took Lindsey cheating to get Lucas to give up on his marriage. It really does; he is an _idiot_. But there is _no one_ who would think for second that you could _ever_ be anything but Lucas' first choice. I know that, Lucas knows that, Lindsey probably even knows that. And I think that deep down, you probably know that, too."

LPLPLPLPLP

She stayed in her office until late that night, hiding from the real world, just thinking. She mentally revisited every painful moment and every elating one. Her strongest happiness and her strongest heartbreaks…all of it was linked to Lucas Scott.

It was dark and raining when she finally left , and when she got into her car she didn't even think about it; she just headed to Lucas' hotel.

She had just parked when she noticed him, getting out of his car a few spaces away. "Lucas?" He turned, looking shocked to see her there. "Where have you been."

"Um…" A little sheepishly, he admitted, "Your place…sorry, I just left. I was kind of hoping you'd come back…"

"I just left the studio," she explained.

They stood, quiet, for a beat, then Lucas observed, "It rains a lot."

She laughed nervously. "It's Seattle. You get used to it…here…" She pulled an umbrella out of her coat pocket and opened it over them. "Better?"

"Yeah." Lucas smiled shyly down at her. "I'm sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have-"

She interjected, "I want to listen."

"Wh-what?"

"I want to listen. You said earlier you wanted to explain, to tell me everything about Lindsey. I'm ready to listen."

"Really?" She nodded, and Lucas drew a slow calming breath. They were close together, crowded under the umbrella, and neither of them seemed inclined to move inside, "Okay, well…I told you how long we'd been fighting. Pretty much the whole time. We shouldn't have been together that long. Ever since she heard me scream your name during one of those nightmares and she told me she knew what the comet was about…it was all downhill from there.

"The worse we got, the more I pulled away from Tree Hill. I felt guilty. I knew I shouldn't have married her, and I knew I wasn't being the person Lindsey expected me to be. But I didn't want to be the kind of person who married someone and then said, instantly, that it was a mistake. That had done it even though he knew his heart wasn't there. So I was just in denial, trying to believe that I would wake up and suddenly not miss you anymore, suddenly be in love with Lindsey.

"We didn't _speak_ for a month before I caught her cheating. She read my new novel, the one I told you a little bit about, and she knew, just like before, that it was about you. The fact that I'd hid it from her didn't help either. I was sleeping in the guest room, and she was e-mailing me notes on the book. We existed in silence. I went by her office on one of the days that the guilt was especially bad, and that's when I caught her with Max."

He gaze intensified and the urgency in his voice increased as he continued, "You see, Peyton? I didn't leave a blissful relationship because I had no choice. I didn't start to want you only after Lindsey shut herself off as an option. I was in love with you every second, and _that_ is why my marriage ended. It's why we fought all the time, it's why I wrote the book, it's why didn't even care when Lindsey and I weren't speaking, and it's why she cheated. It's why Lindsey knew to give me a ticket to Tree Hill at the same time she gave me divorce papers. It's why I came here.

"You know what made me angriest about catching Lindsey cheating? It wasn't the betrayal. It wasn't jealousy. It was the wedding vows. Because those were the reason I had been killing myself trying to be away from you. Because I was married and I figured I owed it to her to try. And when I caught her, _all_ I could think about was the time I could have had with you, the time we _should_ have had together.

"Peyton, please believe me. You could _never_ be my second choice, it has _always_ been you. You're my whole heart, you're _everything_…I love you, Peyton. So, so much." With these final words, Lucas braced himself.

Tears were rolling steadily down Peyton's face, her breathing was shallow and uneven. She stepped forward a little, diminishing the already small gap between them, one hand resting on his chest. She lowered her eyes from his gaze, murmuring shakily, "God, Luke…"

Lucas couldn't read her tone, and after a beat of silence he nervously reached forward, one finger tipping her face towards his so he could look at her. "Is that okay? That I said that…"

Peyton's nodded vigorously, her face crumpling as she tried not to cry.

Concerned, Lucas stroke her hair gently with one hand. "Peyt-"

In an instant, the hand she had resting on his chest tightened on his shirt, pulling him forward. The umbrella tumbled from her grasp as her other hand wrapping around his neck, and then her lips were on his.

Time stopped. The rest of the world melted away. They were both exactly where they'd needed to be for years, and neither wanted to come up for air. The rain feel around them, and the kiss seemed to go on forever, and Lucas wanted to stop time, to be frozen forever in this moment.

When Peyton finally pulled back, Lucas' face broke into a smile.

Peyton was finding it difficult to breathe. "Oh, wow…"

Lucas laughed a little. He couldn't help it; he was so _damn_ happy. "I know."

"I didn't…I didn't meant to do that."

"I'm glad you did." He leaned close, his fingers combing her wet hair away from her face. "Come in with me."

But she was shaking her head. "No, Lucas, I…I can't." God, she wanted to. But she wasn't ready for that, not yet.

He nodded. "That's okay." He bent down and picked up the umbrella from the ground, shaking it out before handing it to her with a smile. "Thanks for listening to me."

She nodded. "Thanks for….just thanks." She smiled shyly, then pointed awkwardly to her car. "I should get going…"

"We should go out to dinner sometime." Lucas blurted out.

Peyton gave him an amused look. "We have. A couple times, actually."

"No, I mean, like…I should take you out to dinner. Like a…" He actually felt himself blushing; it was like he was a twelve year old. "…a date."

There was a frightening pause, then Peyton smiled, too. "Okay, yeah. We should. How about a little later in the week?"

"Yeah. Okay. Perfect."

"Just give me a call in a couple days."

"Okay. I will. Definitely." He couldn't stop smiling. "G'night, Peyt."

"Night."

LPLPLPLPLP

The next afternoon, Lucas was still feeling the effects of his kiss with Peyton. They were so close, he could feel it.

He had agreed to wait a few days to call Peyton and make the arrangements for their date, but ever since the kiss he had been going crazy with desire to see her. So after he'd spent the afternoon editing some middle chapters of his new book, Lucas headed to a supermarket near his hotel.

He bought all the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies, smiling to himself. He had a plan. He would show up on her doorstep, armed with ingredients, and say _How would you like to just be happy_?

He knocked on her door with his foot, as his arms were full of grocery bags. After a long pause, he knocked again, and this time Peyton opened the door.

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Luke? What are you doing here? What's all that?"

He smiled. "Just some stuff I picked up at the grocery store." He set the bags on the floor of the foyer.

Peyton returned his smile, confusedly. "I thought you were going to call. About dinner."

He shrugged. "I know, I just thought I'd surprise you."

"God, I'm sorry, Luke, but I…can't tonight."

Lucas blinked in surprise. "Oh. Okay. It was last minute, so I'll just…call you about another…time…" His voice faded, eyes darting to behind Peyton, who turned around to follow his gaze.

Will, coat in hand, had appeared in the hallway. He stopped walking, looking confused. "Oh, sorry…um…hi."

Peyton and Lucas' eyes met in the same instant, his gaze shocked and accusatory; suddenly, it was three years ago, and he was watching her leave a bar with some stranger.


	14. I Saw

_**A/N: Hey guys, thanks as always for the awesome reviews. I love them. Sorry this one took a little longer, I've had another busy couple of days. Still, hoping it was worth the wait! Enjoy, and let me know what you think!**_

_Chapter Fourteen_

_I Saw_

_And it's amazing  
With the look in your eyes  
Like you could save me  
But you won't even try  
And then you tell me again  
How everything will be alright_

And if I told you  
That I'm sorry  
Would you tell me that  
you were wrong  
Or would you hold me down forever  
If I came to your for answers

And I saw  
Pictures in my head  
And I swear I saw you  
opening up, again  
Cuz I would be heavenly  
if baby you'd just rescue me, now

_Matt Nathanson, I Saw_

There was a roaring in Lucas' ears, as his eyes darted between Peyton and the guy hovering awkwardly.

"_Just walk away. Just say goodbye, turn around and walk away," _a rational part of Lucas' brain commanded. But the rest of him didn't seem to be listening, as he remained rooted in place.

The guy was staring at him, scrutinizing his face. "You look kind of familiar…"

He remembered asking Haley if Peyton was with anyone. She'd said she didn't think so, but couldn't be sure…

Awkwardly, Peyton kept her eyes on Lucas. "Luke, this is Will…Will, this is my friend Lucas, from home…"

"Your _friend_?" Lucas repeated in a low voice.

Will's eyes suddenly widened. "Lucas Scott! I knew you looked familiar." He stepped forward, smiling, his hand extended. "It's great to meet you, man, I'm a big fan…"

Lucas ignored him, keeping his eyes trained on Peyton. "What is this?"

Will flushed slightly, awkwardly lowering his extended hand and turning to Peyton. "Um, it's almost 8, Peyt."

Lucas flinched at the familiarity of his tone and the shortening of her name. This wasn't right, she'd kissed him…she'd agreed to go on a date…

"Okay, just one second," Peyton replied calmly before turning to Luke. "Listen-"

He couldn't take the calm expression on her face, the even tone to her voice. He interjected angrily, "How could you not mention, during all those dinners, that you have a boyfriend-"

Peyton sighed impatiently. "Luke, Will isn't-"

The white hot jealousy was coursing through him, and there wasn't much Lucas could do to defy it. "It just seems like that's the kind of thing you might have wanted to _share_, seeing as we've been 'catching up' and, oh yeah, you _kissed_ me." God, he hated himself for getting angry at her, but he felt stupid and embarrassed and completely disappointed.

Peyton inhaled sharply, her eyes narrowing. Giving Lucas a piercing glare, she practically hissed, "You _cannot _seriously believe that you are in any position to judge _me_. That you have any right-"

From behind her, Will said, "Peyton, I'm gonna wait outside."

Her eyes never leaving Lucas', she demanded, "No, don't go anywhere, he was just leaving."

Lucas opened his mouth to speak. "Peyton-"

She cut him off instantly. "Oh, no way. Don't talk to me." She let out a groan of frustration, raking her fingers through her hair. "You know, after all the shit you pulled three years ago, you are so damn lucky I didn't just slam the door in your face…and you really think you have any right to yell at me for _anything_? Lucas, let's get one thing straight, okay? I owe you _nothing_. You don't deserve it." She folded her arms in front of her chest and snapped, "Now get out."

Protests, pleas and apologies filled his throat, but he kept quiet. She's heard them all before. Meekly, Lucas turned and left the apartment.

The door slammed behind him, and Peyton closed her eyes, sighing shakily.

After a beat of silence, Will spoke dryly, "So, Lucas Scott seems to like me."

Still staring at the door, Peyton replied in a tone of forced calm, "Yeah, I'm sorry about that…"

Will placed a hand tentatively on her shoulder, and Peyton jumped, turning around to look at him. His eyebrows were knitted in confusion and concern. "Are you okay?"

She nodded vigorously. "Fine."

Will seemed to be scrutinizing her. "So…does this mean _you_ are _the _Peyton? The one from the book?"

She sighed tiredly. "Yes."

"Wow. And _The Comet_? What's the connection there? Seeing as you hate it so much…"

Unexpectedly, Peyton felt hot tears fill her eyes, and she furiously blinked them back, angry at herself for caring. Lucas didn't deserve that, either, as he had just made abundantly clear.

"I don't know….look, I'm sorry, but I don't know if I can do the movie right now…tell the guys I'm sorry."

Will nodded, quelling the questions he was dying to ask. "I can skip it, you know, if you want to talk."

She smiled tightly. "There's really not much to say. He married someone else, and now he's divorced, and he's _here_ and just…" She paused, shrugging helplessly in Will's direction. "I'm sorry he was rude to you."

Will grinned wryly. "Yeah, so am I. It's kind of like being a kid and finding out the guy in the Barney suit's a raging alcoholic."

"He really is a great guy…." Peyton paused, rolling her eyes. "God, why do I even defend him? I take it back, he's an ass."

Will shrugged. "Well, I can't say much for his ability to make a first impression, but I kind of doubt that." After a moment, he said, "God, Lucas married someone else."

Peyton threw him a glare. "So glad you're here to remind me."

"Sorry, it's just…reading that book…I never would've seen that coming."

"Yeah….I never did either."

LPLPLPLPLP

Two days later, Peyton snatched up the phone. "_Stop_ calling here."

There was a brief pause; Lucas had been calling non-stop for two days, and she hadn't answered yet, so he had honestly been unprepared. "I'm sorry."

"And stop saying that. You've overused the phrase."

"I was an idiot."

"Use present tense."

"I _am_ an idiot."

"Very good. I'm hanging up now."

"No, wait, Peyton_, please_!

She sighed impatiently. "What?"

"Please listen…it was just a gut reaction! It was stupid, but it was all of two minutes-"

Peyton interjected tiredly, "Lucas."

" –and it wasn't about being mad at you, I know I have no right to do that, I was just disappointed-"

"_Lucas_."

"-it was more like I was mad at myself, really, not you-"

"Luke, _stop_ it!" At the force in her voice, he finally fell silent, and Peyton continued in a flat voice, "Listen, I can't tell you not to stay in Seattle. But I don't want you to stay here because of me."

All the air left Lucas' lungs, and there was a moment of silence before he could say in a strangled voice, "But, Peyton…"

"This…this 'catching up', the working things out…I'm done."

Lucas gripped the phone tighter. "But…we were so close-"

"Yeah, and look what happened." He couldn't tell for sure, but it sounded as though Peyton was trying not to cry. "I'm so tired of this, Luke. I won't do it anymore, I can't. So I'm done."

"Peyton, c'mon, don't do this, not over something like this…I said I was here to fight for you, and that's what I'm doing!"

"You can't fight for someone who doesn't want you to fight for them, Luke. And I don't. Not anymore. Bye, Lucas."

He heard a click; she was gone.

LPLLPLPLPLP

The next day, Lucas stood outside her studio, under an umbrella, waiting for Peyton to come out so he could talk to her. He understood that his behavior bordered on stalking, but felt as though he was slowly running out of options, and had discovered that, apparently, random civilians were not allowed into recording studios.

"Lucas, right?"

Lucas turned to see Will behind him. He was holding an umbrella in one hand and some sort of coffee in the other.

Lucas felt a conflicting flash of embarrassment and anger. He was embarrassed for acting like an asshole to this guy, but he still could not help resent him for his connection with Peyton. "Yeah. Will, was it?"

"Yeah…" His voice trailed off.

Lucas thought of how he'd introduced himself (_I'm a big fan…_) and his own immature refusal to return an offer of a handshake, and he cringed a little.

After a beat of silence, Will said suddenly, "We aren't dating. Me and Peyton…we're just friends."

Lucas felt a sudden collision of relief and self-loathing. He grimaced, "Probably should have let her explain that, huh?"

Will nodded a bit sardonically, "Yeah, I guess that would've been, y'know, another way to handle it."

He groaned. "I, uh, think I was kind of rude to you. I'm sorry."

Will shrugged dismissively. "It's not me you need to apologize to."

"I know. I tried apologize to her, but…I don't know, maybe I've screwed up too many times to expect that to work anymore…"

Will nodded thoughtfully for a long time, then said conversationally, "You know, when I first met Peyton, I did kinda…have a thing for her. Gave up on that idea real fast."

His eyes on the pavement, Lucas hesitantly asked, "Did she…did she ever say anything?"

"No. She never mentioned anything, but she didn't have to. It didn't take much to figure out she was hung up on someone else." After a pause, he added, "I _read_ your first book. And your second, actually." He smiled wryly. "I never had a chance, man. No one else did."

LPLPLPLPLP

"Do you _ever_ work?"

Peyton twirled her chair around to see Will, holding out her usual drink order. "Yes. Your break just happens to fall during _my_ break."

Will sat in the chair next to her, and informed her without preamble, "So there's this author guy hanging around outside the studio. I think he might be an obsessive fan."

Peyton pressed her palms against her eyes and moaned. "Oh, God, he's out there now?"

"Yeah. He didn't know about the back entrance. And I may not have mentioned it. Seriously, I think he really wants to talk to you."

"We already talked. I told him I was done."

"Okay," Will replied neutrally. Silence fell for a few moments, then Will said suddenly, "You're the comet, aren't you? In the book?"

Startled, Peyton looked up from her cup, eyes wide.

Will added, "That day you bit my head off about it not being a love story…it was, wasn't it? It's about you."

She gritted her teeth, and said firmly, "_Supposedly_."

Will let out a low whistle. "The boy saw the comet and suddenly his life had meaning. _Damn_. And now he's standing outside, in the rain, just waiting to talk to you." When she didn't reply, Will added casually, "Oh, I also told him that we aren't dating."

Peyton shot him an exasperated look. "Why? That wasn't the point, Will, he doesn't…he doesn't _deserve _information."

"I just thought he should know, Peyt."

She stood suddenly. "I should probably go talk to him. Maybe he'll get the message."

"_Right_."

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas was hanging close to the locked front door of the studio when it opened and Peyton appeared, not venturing out into the rain, just leaning against the doorway.

He forced a smile. "Hi."

Peyton didn't return it. "Luke, you have to stop this, okay? "

"I'm sorry, but Will…he just told me…he said he wasn't your boyfriend."

Peyton rolled her eyes. "I _tried_ to tell you that the other day. You didn't listen."

"I know I didn't."

She sighed, frustrated. "And you know, not that the point was whether or not I was dating him, because I had no obligation to you-"

"I know that."

"-but …you know, I dated a lot, when I first got here. I mean, after the first awful month or so, I was just…determined. I thought it would go along to this whole fresh start thing, so I started making dates with guys I met…but then I realized I was dreading every one of them, and there were rarely second dates, and never third. So I made a promise to myself…I wasn't going to do _anything_ just because I _thought _I should want to. I was going to wait until I actually wanted to date." Her eyes moved away from his. "And I still haven't yet."

Lucas wasn't sure why she was telling him all this. All he could think of to say was, "I'm really sorry. For the other night and…and everything-"

"It doesn't matter now. I told you, I'm done."

"I don't get it, Peyton! Why this, why is this _one thing_ so awful? I know I was an idiot, but in comparison to everything else I've fucked up…a brief moment of ill-advised jealousy should _not_ be the deal breaker!"

Angry, Peyton retorted, "It _isn't_ just about this one thing…it's a final straw situation. It's the fact that we can be doing so well, and yet you still, consistently, do something stupid! And I am _not_ spending the rest of my life waiting for your next screw up!"

Lucas stared at her searchingly for a long moment before saying quietly, "I don't believe you."

"What?"

"I don't believe that for a second, Peyton. God, you are so…you listened to me explain the fact that I sent three years married to someone I didn't love, and why it took her cheating on me to come back to you…you let me tell you why I kissed you before proposing to someone else. You have listened, and tried to understand, and you've forgiven all of the things I've fucked up, and I honestly have no clue how or _why_-"

Peyton's throat was tight, and her voice shook as she shot back angrily, "It's because I'm in love with you! Because I can't _do _anything except _be _in love with you!"

Lucas froze, his heart constricting painfully. That was the first time she'd said it since he'd come to Seattle, the first time he'd heard them in so many years; not that she had ever given him reason to question it.

Peyton's voice pulled him back into the conversation, "What's your point, Luke?"

Swallowing hard, he recovered his train of thought, "You're not saying that you're done because you find this impossible to forgive. You're _looking_ for a reason."

"_What_?"

His heart was flying. It was make or break time. "We kissed the other night, Peyton. You kissed me. And it was amazing and perfect, and we were _so_ close. And that scares you, so the minute I screwed up, you jumped on it as an excuse. You are _terrified_ of giving this a chance!"

Lucas was expecting denial, and more anger. Instead, Peyton looked away for a long moment, blinking rapidly, her jaw set. When she looked back at him, her face was flushed and her voice was low as she said, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I am scared. But you know what, it's no wonder. I don't _want_ to get my heartbroken again, Lucas. I don't want to get hurt anymore."

"But…but aren't you hurting now? Because for me, Peyt…for me, being without you hurts so bad…doesn't it hurt you?"

"_Yes_, of course it hurts me to be without you! It's _been_ hurting, for six damn years, Lucas, but after that long…at least it's not so _raw_ anymore. If I have to start over with that…I will _not _be okay next time."

Stammering earnestly, he moved closer to her, "But there doesn't have to _be_ a next time, Peyton, there _won't_ be-"

She cut him off, injecting a note of finality in her voice, "I already told you. I'm done. There's nothing else you can say. I've made up my mind....no more fighting for me."

"B-but, Peyt-"

"I mean it. I'm done." She sighed heavily, unable to meet his eyes. "Go home, Luke. If you honestly think that means Seattle, then stay here. If it means New York, fine, if it's Tree Hill, great."

She turned to head back inside, when he spoke again, "It's you."

Peyton froze, experiencing the inevitable flashback to the moment after the state championship, when she'd been about to walk away from him, only to be called back by those same words.

This time, she didn't turn around, but he continued anyway, a noticeable catch in his voice, "Home. If home is where you feel…happy, loved, safe, all of that…then It's not a place, not really. Not anymore. It's just…you."

He waited expectantly, and Peyton swallowed thickly against threatening sobs, and closed the door behind her.

LPLPLPLPLP

"I don't know what to do, Hales." Lucas said. His defeated tone held a plea for hope, advice, anything.

Hales sighed, steeling herself, then said in a gently voice, "Luke. Maybe now's the time…maybe you have to let her go."

His stomach twisted. "I _can't_."

"I know it's hard. I know you wanted to fight for her. But if she doesn't want you to, then you have to let her go."

"Do you really think she wants me to leave?"

Haley sighed again. "Lucas, I know Peyton loves you. I'm pretty sure she always will. But you broke her heart so many times…and I know she wasn't perfect, Luke, but you were the one who got married. You're the one that left and gave up. And maybe it's too much to recover from. It's been _six_ years since you two have been together."

Lucas ' head dropped and he pressed his lips together; he was dangerously close to crying, and his attempts to fight it rendered him speechless for a long moment.

Haley broke the silence, "And, who knows, Luke, if you give her more time, maybe…maybe someday she'll show up on _your _doorstep, and she'll be ready."

Lucas shook his head mutely, a gesture that was lost in this method of communication.

Disconcerted by his continued silence, Haley continued, "Luke, I'm so sorry. But I don't know what else to tell you. Sometimes…sometimes love means letting someone go."

He had a sudden flash of memory.

_I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. It's what Keith did for Karen; burying his feelings for her for all those years so he could be a good friend. I love you Lucas. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes and it is going to suck but if what you want is for me to let go then I'm gonna do it._

Lucas made a strangled sound, somewhere between a gasp and a sob. Haley's voice was full of sympathy and concern, "Oh, Lucas…"

LPLPLPLPLP

Two days later, Peyton hadn't heard from Lucas since the day outside her studio. She had no way of knowing whether he was still in town or if he'd listened to her and left.

She wanted not to dwell on it. She wanted to go back to the way it was before, but she couldn't help walking around with a sudden emptiness, unable to focus on anything unless it was a desperate attempt to pick apart one of their recent conversations.

Another two days passed, and she had honestly resigned herself to the fact that he had gone, which was, after all, what she wanted.

Right?

It was a Wednesday evening, and she was waiting for a pizza she'd ordered. They were late. So it was with relief that she went to answer the knock at the door, cash in hand.

The door swung open to reveal, not the pizza boy, but Lucas, looking ragged with exhaustion.

Peyton couldn't think of anything to say, because she couldn't make up her mind how she felt about his presence.

"I know I'm not supposed to be here." His voice was soft and utterly defeated, and in spite of herself Peyton's felt a sudden ache of empathy. "But I wanted to show you…" He held up the thick stack of papers, bound together by a silver ring. "It's the new book I've been working on. I started it just after I moved to New York, and I've been…I've been writing for the past few days on the last part…but it still…" He paused, staring at his feet briefly, then back up to her. "It doesn't have an ending yet, but I just wanted you to read it."

He extended the stack toward her, and Peyton took it. Lucas continued, "I, uh…I bought a plane ticket to Tree Hill. For Saturday afternoon."

She looked up from the manuscript to his face, surprised.

He seemed to see her surprise, because he added, "If letting go is what you want me to do, then I'm gonna do it. But maybe…maybe you could read that first." Then he turned and left the apartment.


	15. Konstantine

_Okay, guys. This is the final chapter of this story, so I hope it doesn't disappoint. I love you guys for sticking with me through it; I've really loved writing this. Also, in case anyone's interested, I recently posted the first chapter of my new Leyton story, __**Someone Else's Life. **__It's AU, and the premise is pretty different from what you normally see, and I'm really excited about it. I'd love for you guys to check it out. Now, finally, the last chapter of LYA. I hope you've enjoyed it! Reviews would be great, as always!_

_Chapter Fifteen_

_Konstantine_

_and if this is what it takes  
just to lie with my mistakes  
and live with what i did to you  
all the hell I put you through  
I always catch the clock  
its 11:11  
now you wanna talk  
its not hard to dream  
you'll always be my konstantine  
my konstantine  
they'll never hurt you like I do  
no,no,no,no, no, no, no, no, no  
this is to a girl  
who got into my head  
with all the pretty things she did  
hey  
ya know  
you keep me up in bed  
this is to a girl  
who got into my head  
with all these fucked up things i did  
hey  
maybe  
baby you could keep me up in bed  
my konstanine_

_Something Corporate_

After he left, Peyton sat in her living room, staring at the thick manuscript. By the time her pizza arrived, she was no longer hungry.

The truth was, she was scared of Lucas' new book. She knew nothing about it, except that Lindsey had supposedly realized it was about her.

She had a distinct memory of reading _The Comet_ for the first time. Haley had told her just a little about it; how after reading it, Haley had known Lucas was still in love with her, whether he was ready to admit it or not.

Still, she hadn't been prepared for the powerful effect the book had on her. She had devoured the words as if they were some sort of message from Lucas, reading it all in one sitting, and she had cried when she reminded herself that he had written this _before_ he left, a lot of it even before he got married. No matter what anyone thought the book was about, it hadn't mattered.

And this new book…it had been written during his marriage. It had been the reason he and Lindsey hadn't spoken for a month, the reason she'd cheated on him. And now, it seemed as though it was Lucas' last ditch effort to fight for her.

Peyton shivered. She wasn't ready. Not just yet.

LPLPLLPLPLP

When Will dropped by the studio the next day, bringing her the customary coffee, he noticed the stack of papers, which she'd brought with her. Just in case she felt ready.

"Damn. Who's contract is that?'

She laughed a little. "Not a contract, dumbass. That's Lucas' new book."

Will's eyebrows shot up with interest. "Really? What's it about?"

"No idea." She sighed, explaining, "I haven't…I haven't been able to read it yet."

Will's eyes lit up as he stared at the thick stack of papers. "Can I?"

"Uh, no."

He grinned and drew back. "So are you going to?"

"Yeah, I will…probably." She moaned a little. "I mean, Lucas wants me to read it." After a pause, she looked up at Will and admitted, "He bought a plane ticket. Back to Tree Hill, for Saturday night."

Will looked at her searchingly. "That's what you told him to do, right?"

Sighing, Peyton nodded. "Yeah, I know, I just…I don't know what I want, Will. Well, that's not true. I know what I want…I want to go back six years ago, to that fucking hotel room, and I want to say yes!"

Will leaned forward and said, in a soft, comforting voice, he said, "Peyton. I have no idea what any of that means."

She gave a shaky laugh. "It's just this thing…it's a long story. It was the screw up, my screw up, that set his screw ups in motion. If that makes any sense."

Will laughed a little. "Not really."

"Doesn't matter. I can't change what happened, obviously, and neither can he."

"But you get to decide what happens now."

"Yeah..."

LPLPLPLPLP

On Friday afternoon, Lucas hadn't heard from Peyton, and he began to pack.

"So I'm pretty sure I'm coming back tomorrow night." The phone was balanced between his neck and shoulder as he tossed clothes into his suitcase.

Haley, on the other end of the phone, was quiet for a moment. "You don't think she's going to change her mind? When she reads the book?"

Lucas sounded utterly hopeless. "Like I said…I'm pretty sure I'll be coming back." There was a long pause, and then Lucas added, "I was hoping Nate and Skills would maybe…think about letting me help out with the team again."

"Well, I'm sure they will, Luke. But there's no rush, you know…you should take some time off. Finish editing the book and all that…and there's probably gonna be another book tour."

He sighed heavily. "Yeah, about the book…I'm thinking about breaking the contract. Not publishing it."

"What? Why?"

"I don't know if I can do it…have that out there."

Trying to be practical, Haley reminded him, "Luke, you can't just break the contract with your company…"

"It doesn't matter. I'm probably not gong to be writing anymore."

Dismayed, Haley asked, "_Why_ would you say that? You love writing!"

"I can't do it without her. I never could."

It wasn't as though he didn't want to write anymore. He instinctively knew that, without Peyton, he didn't have another book in him. Besides, if it boiled down to it, the first book had been about their relationship, together and happy; the second had been about her return home, and now it looked like the final book would be about their ending, the death of their last shred of hope.

There was nothing else to tell.

LPLPLLPLP

That night, Peyton was sitting in her kitchen, once again wrestling with herself over the issue of Lucas' book. This time tomorrow, he'd be on a plane. It was now or never. Yet somehow, she couldn't make herself begin reading.

Her phone rang suddenly, and Peyton was so grateful for the distraction that she snatched it up without glancing at the caller id. "Hello?"

"Peyton?"

"_Haley_? Wow, hi! How are you?"

"Hey. I'm good. How about you?"

"I'm…I'm good." Peyton sensed a deeper question.

Haley hesitated, then cut to the chase, "Have you read the book yet, Peyton?"

Caught off guard, Peyton stammered, "Um, no, I haven't, not yet."

"But you're going to, right?"

Peyton sighed, "Haley, look, every thing's really complicated-"

Guiltily, Haley backtracked quickly. "Peyton, I know they are. And I don't blame you for being mad at him, or being scared…I _don't_, I promise. God knows you have reason to be. It's just…I think if you don't read the book before he leaves, you're going to regret it."

Peyton was quiet for a long moment, so Haley continued, "There's some stuff I didn't tell you, back after he moved. Like…Brooke and I both told you how he looked after you when you walked out of the wedding. But what I never told anyone was…I found Lucas in the bathroom right after his wedding, crying about how he'd made a mistake."

Peyton was speechless. This gave her a different view of Lucas' seemingly useless visit to her bedroom during the reception.

Haley continued, "And do you know why he asked me to tell you about the move? Because he said if he had to look at you and tell you then he wouldn't be able to go."

Peyton felt tears welling in her eyes, and she finally found her voice to say, "Why are you telling me this, Hales? It doesn't change anything."

"I know." Haley said gently. "But I just wanted you to know…you've been in his heart every step of the way. Even when his actions suggested the opposite. And I think if you read the book you'll know that for sure."

"Okay." Peyton heard herself saying. "Okay, I'll read it."

LPLPLPLPLPLP

Lucas was crouched in the wet grass, rain pouring over him, clutching Peyton's body close. He frantically searched her wrist, and then her chest, for a heartbeat. Nothing.

Squinting through the torrential downpour surrounding them, he made out flashing red lights, coming closer. His heart lifted. The ambulance had actually come.

Two faceless paramedics leapt from the ambulance and came running toward them, dragging a stretcher and various equipment. Lucas began babbling, "I can't find a pulse, her heart stopped…you have to help her, please…"

They pried her body from his arms, and he slid over to the side, watching them press the paddles against her chest, shocking her heart over and over.

Finally, they stopped, and one of the paramedics looked back at him. "She's gone. We have to let her go."

"No! You can't just…you have to help her please…" He rushed forward, wrenching the paddles from the hands of the paramedics; he somehow knew exactly what to do, alternately shocking her heart and reaching for her pulse.

He kept it up for a long time, until finally he felt a hand on his shoulder. "She's gone, son. It's over. You have to let her go."

"No. No, I can't. No. _No._ NO!" He repeated the word over and over as they pried her body from his arms; he repeated it until it back a scream; he repeated it until he collapsed on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

That's how he woke up, face down on his bed, violent sobs wracking his body.

LPLPLPLPLP

Peyton was reading through a cloud of tears not two chapters into the book, and they never seemed to go away.

It did not take long to understand that was she was reading was, essentially, the account of Lucas ' life in New York with Lindsey and the account of the life he and Peyton could have had together.

Both were heart wrenching and painful to read.

In spite of its supposed fiction, this book was more like _An Unkindness of Ravens_ than _The Comet_. There was no metaphorical deciphering needed; these characters were simply _them_, with slight tweaks in names and trivial circumstances.

The chapters in which Ben (the narrator, who for all intents and purposes _was_ Lucas) was with Kate, the book's equivalent of Peyton, made her ache with longing. She could easily imagine the scenes in the book occurring between them, the ease and comfort and happiness. The chapters when Ben was with his wife, Jessica (the manifestation of Lindsey), were similarly difficult to stomach, not only because of the marriage but because it was indicative of Lucas' obvious misery.

Peyton lay in bed with the pages, tears often streaming freely down her cheeks. She read all night, and by the time she got to the newer part of the story, when the chapters had been about Ben/Jessica turned into him getting a divorce, searching for Kate, finding out she'd moved, and going to fight for her, Peyton was sobbing quietly.

Lucas' words seemed to etch themselves on her heart. She read certain passages or just certain sentences over and over, committing them to memory.

_I couldn't understand for the life of me what I had done to deserve another chance. I had long since decided that my choice had ruined me, that my path had been chosen. Now, I had actual evidence to hope that fate could step in anyway, allowing me to end up where I was always meant to be: with her. _

_She was always a better person than I could ever hope to be. She had an amazing, open heart, and a staggering amount of grace. She forgave me when I couldn't even forgive myself, all because her love was never selfish, never altering._

In the chapters that told the story if he had gone with Kate, they had a son after a year and a half of marriage and, in the simplest terms, lived happily ever after. In the other chapters, the other version of Ben's life, things abruptly cut off after yet another of "Ben's" mistakes with Kate; when he was contemplating the terrifying notion of having to let her go.

Peyton let the manuscript fall from her trembling hands. It was nearly five a.m.

She lay back in her bed, her mind and heart heavy with thoughts and emotions.

LPLPLPLPLP

Lucas woke up at 6:20 with the beginnings of a dull headache. He'd only been able to fall back asleep two hours ago, and it took him a moment to identify what had woke him up.

There was a pounding on his hotel door, and he pulled on a T-shirt as he headed to the door and opened it.

Peyton stood there, clutching the manuscript in front of her.

Lucas stared at her for a good thirty seconds before he said hoarsely, "Hi."

"How does it end?"

He stared at blearily for a few seconds, still trying to wake himself up and understand that Peyton had actually come. "Sorry?"

"How does it end?" She repeated. "The book."

He met her eyes. "I guess I don't know yet."

She nodded for a little longer than necessary, then blurted out in a shaking, almost fragile voice, "I love you, Lucas." Her lip was trembling, tears pooling in her green eyes. "I-I couldn't remember if I've said that yet. Since you've been here."

She looked so small and scared and broken, Lucas had to resist the urge to pull her into his arms. Quietly, he replied, "You did. Outside your studio, when we were fighitng…you said you're in love with me…"

"Oh yeah." She flushed. "I just wanted to be sure."

Silence fell for another moment, and then Lucas cleared his throat and asked tentatively, "Peyt. What are you thinking? I mean…I just figured if you actually showed up…" His voice trailed off, and he turned pleading, questioning eyes on her. "What does this mean?"

Her voice shaking, Peyton replied, "I want the happy ending part. I really do. The half of the book that wasn't real, the imagined part…God, I _want_ that, Luke. I've wanted it for so long…"

"Me, too." He said quietly.

Peyton thought maybe both of them were thinking the same thing.

_And now we can have it._

She shook her head slowly, willing memories away. Then she continued, "But it didn't happen, the other part did, and I just..I don't know if we can get there from here. Do you?"

Lucas took a deep breath, then said simply, "Yes."

Peyton nodded a little, looking up at him expectedly.

Lucas added softly, "I love you, Peyton. And I know now that it's enough. It's everything, it's all there is of me. And no matter what you say right now, whether I take that plane this afternoon or not…I will love you forever. Nothing's going to change that. And I know I have no right to ask, not again. But I…" His voice faltered slightly. "I don't want to leave you again, Peyt. I want us to be together. We can get that happy ending, I _know_ we can. My happy ending…it's always been with you. That's the only way. And I just…really, _really_ want another chance at that."

"Okay."

Lucas' insides seemed to seize up; his heart stopped beating for a brief moment, as though he couldn't dare let himself believe that meant what he thought it did.

Peyton was nodding. It had all hit her at once, a moment of clarity that seemed to make all her pain and fear dissolve it into something inconsequential in the face of this, her possibility for a happy ending. Because her happy ending, her _only_ way to get a happy ending…it was with Lucas. It had to be. And here was her chance at getting it, and to let it slip away because of fear seemed suddenly ridiculous.

Lucas' mouth was dry, his voice raspy as he said shakily, "By okay…do, do you mean-"

"Yes. I want the happy ending with you, Lucas, I do, so yes, _yes_…" She was crying now, and suddenly she stepped into his waiting embrace, her tears soaking his T-shirt.

He held her tightly for a few long moments, then drew back just the slightest, she looked up at him, and his fingers gently brushed at the tears, one hand cupping her face. "Peyton, baby, don't cry…it's okay. Everything's okay now."

She smiled at him through her tears. "I know it is." Her hand wrapped around the back of his neck and pulled him closer, her lips on his.

He was the only person she'd ever meant who could seem to kiss her with both fervor and gentleness. After a few moments, she murmured against his lips, "God, I love you…"

"I love _you_," he replied, voice husky with emotion. "And I'm gonna spend the rest of my life proving it."

She moved forward a little, forcing Lucas to move backwards as they kissed. After a moment, he collapsed onto the bed, pulling Peyton onto his lap.

LPLPLPLPLP

A little later, they lay in bed, Peyton's head resting on his chest, his fingers tangled in her hair. "Hey," he murmured. "Where's your head?"

She looked up at him, and he was surprised to see tears trickling down her face . "Hey…what's wrong?"

She laughed a little, almost embarrassed. "Nothing's wrong, Luke. It's the good kind of crying."

"I don't like seeing you cry. Any kind."

She moved up a little so their faces were level, laying next his on the pillow, their foreheads touching. "It's just…I can't believe this is real. You and me…I've needed to be here for so long…"

"Me, too." He whispered, reaching over to lace her fingers with his. "I love you so much, Peyton. And I know I have a lot to make up for, but I'm going to try everything I can."

She kissed him softly, then shot him a sweet smile. "You already have. There's no point in dwelling in everything that happened, Luke." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "We made it. We're going to be fine."

"Better than fine." He smiled. "God, I didn't want to leave. I was so relieved to see you this morning…"

She shot him a teasing grin. "Well, you got lucky then. I was thinking of waiting until you were at the airport. Make it more dramatic."

He arched an eyebrow. "A little cliché of you."

"That's why that strategy was ultimately not selected." He laughed, then she added, "That and the fact that I couldn't wait…I'm sorry you had to buy the ticket, though."

He smiled. "You really think I care?" Then after a pause, he said, "Hey. Why don't we both go?"

"To Tree Hill? "

"Yeah. Come with me. Just for a visit. We can see Haley and Nathan and Brooke…stay for a week or so. What do you think?"

Peyton considered for a moment, then smiled, "Sounds perfect." Her smile faded slightly, and she said, "Luke, I know you weren't planning on actually moving to Seattle...but the studio is here, and a lot of the talent I have is based in the area, and-"

He interrupted, "Then I'll be here."

"Are you sure? I mean, I know this isn't home for you…"

"What did I tell you, Peyt. _You_ are home for me. If you're in Seattle, so am I."

She smiled . "Okay."

He smiled back. "I guess I can write my ending now."

"Let me guess….happily ever after?"

He kissed her again. "Exactly."

END


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